This practice of spending time alone
Every evening has been extremely useful.
So far
Soon I'll join Om Shanti, hopefully.
Despite losing all my relationship hopes and other attachment issues, I still feel deeply emotional, which I am not able to let go of.
It's like my suppressed emotions keep bouncing up.
Which I didn't even suppress intentionally.
I am unable to understand the root cause of the constant stress I feel.
which is making my life so fragile. Like, am I really so weak?
I don't feel anything. How am I so weak because of the kind of training our family gave me and my cousin sister to survive it all and please people as much as possible without giving a damn about your own damn self?
Keep seeking external validation and maintaining relationships, no matter what.
Going through all this stress of worrying about yourself and your brother at the age of 8 rather than living a life like most kids do instead of watching your one parent commit suicide and another accelerating it
Nobody is ever coming to console, talk, discuss, or understand that whole thing.
On top of it all, you make sure no one knows about all this, like it never happened. All I could think about was what would happen to me and my older brother.
That scene lives in my mind rent-free, and there are days I relive it. Maybe that's when I started having abandonment issues.
Before that, it was all about feeling out of place, outcast, detested, and bullied by my older cousin sister for years and even after that incident. Don't judge her if anything I feel; I think how annoying your life has to be in order to start harassing someone 7 years younger than you.
Anyway, I hope she recovers from her own traumas too. Again, when I wrote about it all, I relived it all.
The only beauty I see in my life is that my hands aren't tied anymore. I don't have to entertain people if they don't please me, as long as it's not someone I love like my mom, and the list ends.
So let's make some new goals in life that can cater to my current issues instead of going to the gym, journal, walk, work, etc.
Let's make it 15 minutes of sunlight, sunrise, meditation, and writing in my journal.
Physiotherapy
Cook something
My one house chore
1 content post
Diet
My personal chores (bank, paperwork assortment, doctor appointment, etc.)
Evening sunset (optional)
Spend some time alone.
Baithack socialise
No deadline
Back heals when it does; there's no pressure to be for it before any day.
Just living a day
Trying to do all my new routine
Add reading a book if possible.
I keep practicing detachment so that no one can destroy my mental peace.
