16 Feb
I feel like I am failing this fight of life; my punches are not strong enough anymore.
My simplest things are on strike. I can't walk, work, or exercise. I am just surviving this painfully. I am in constant doubt and under the pressure of not performing enough. I had a rough day.
I cry like a baby and can't handle the fact that I might lose my job, and I can't bear my family making me feel like I am not good enough to do things. I lost 9 kg, I am working hard on myself, and I am emotionally stable too. I am taking care of my health; it's not my fault if I have a lot of health issues. I disappoint everyone, from my family to colleagues. I feel this constant dissatisfaction that I am not doing enough. I am just wasting my life away. No matter how hard I try, I don't even reach the expectations of the people I like. I am nothing but a failure as a child, employee, or partner. I lack everywhere and everything.
Thank God, I spoke to my therapist today. It feels better to know it's not my fault. I need to take this pressure off myself. I just need to relax and unwind. Everything else will fall into place eventually. I need to take off from my work because I am not able to handle it because of my constant pain, so it's better that way if I lose my job, then I do. I don't need to kill myself over it. They are good people, even if they do let me go . They are still good people. I am meant for other things, so it's simple. I just need to accept life as it is, with its flaws and flows.
I am calm, composed, and content now.
Everybody can go and live their lives. I don't sit and judge people; I respect and understand if people around me can't do that for me. It's their problem, not mine. I can't keep deteriorating my health in order to please everyone. I love me; I am enough; I am peace. I'll take care of myself first.
