ambivalence ☆ // awsten knight

☆ what next ☆

writing this on the flight to parx la hiiii

☆

margot was starting to regret her decision. she knew in her heart that she'd done the right thing, and it would just hurt both of them more to just start right back up where they'd started, but knowing she had awsten so close and couldn't do anything about it was torture.

he'd been, obviously, extremely respectful, keeping his texts and conversations at a strictly safe level, and was back to using her name only after that one slip up.

frankly, it was driving her insane.

it was her own fault too. she'd catch herself thinking of them and going to call the waiting off, but then immediately remembering how horrible she'd felt just days ago. not a great combination.

she was doing her best to heal or whatever, but it was a lot harder than she'd expected. she'd gone back to her therapist for the first time in months due to olive bugging her about it, and that was at least aiding the process.

she'd gone back on her anxiety medication as well (because that was long overdue) so it was overall a bit of a mess slowly being put back together.

they'd agreed that it was better if they didn't hang out or go on dates for a bit, and she was going a bit stir crazy.

it didn't help that her hours were ramped up at work, so she didn't really have anywhere she could go to work out any extra energy (and her other source of that was off-limits).

she was on her way home, deciding to walk that day because she needed to be doing something, getting almost all the way to her door before noticing something on their welcome mat.

it was a decently sized bouquet, of flowers in shades white and purple. she had a feeling she knew who it was from, but she checked the tag anyways.

i know these can't make up for anything, but girls like you deserve flowers regardless of intent
awsten

she fought the urge to squeal out loud. he was going to make her go back on her word so fast. she appreciated the note as well, because it was obvious he wasn't just doing this to try and get back in her good graces. though, it was certainly working in his favor.

she picked up the vase and brought it into the house with her, setting it on the coffee table in the living room.

olive emerged from her room, glancing at the flowers, "who're those from?" she said, brushing past her and heading into the kitchen.

"awsten." she replied, arranging them so they laid a bit nicer.

she heard a cabinet slam in the background and fought back a laugh. olive had decided she was anti-awsten until margot decided she'd completely forgiven him, so that margot didn't just see the good, or whatever.

"oh, i'm sure." olive said, a sigh evident in her voice.

"oh, stop it." margot replied, joining her in the kitchen.

"it's been, like, a week, babe. don't let the flowers fool you."

"it's not just been flowers though." she didn't want to have this conversation again. "he's being so respectful of all the boundaries i've laid out, he's showing interest in my life, he answers all my texts and calls, he doesn't push about when i might be ready, i think he was serious about it being a mistake." it didn't seem like much laid out like that, especially it having only been a short time, but she couldn't really describe the way she felt it was different.

olive just shook her head, turning back to the bowl of cereal she was making.

she had to admit, because of how rushed the beginning of their relationship was, it was quite nice to have it slowed down, and made it feel more like a standard start rather than what theirs had been.

it also helped that awsten wasn't acting all that different from how he treated her before the... incident. he was just more enthusiastic and putting in slightly more effort, if that was even possible.

it wasn't quite enough though, and she hated that. it wasn't going to be the easy fix she desperately wanted it to be.

she went back into her room, closing the door behind her. awsten and her had started up facetime calls, because it was easier than being in person, and it was nearing the time they'd agreed to call that night.

sure enough, her phone went off seconds after she closed her door and she waited a second to answer to not seem too eager.

his face popped up on her screen and he was already smiling brightly.

"hey, margot."

"hey, awsten." she smiled back easily. "oh, before i forget, thank you for the flowers. they're so pretty." she gushed.

"i thought you'd like them, they're your favorite colors, right?" he said.

"yeah, i put them out in the living room so that they'd be seen everyday. plus the natural lighting in there is good for them." she responded.

"so, how's your day been? and yesterday, since we didn't talk much." awsten had been back in the studio almost all day, so they had barely even texted, but she understood. she'd seen first hand just how focused he got while working.

"it was good! i just worked today, but yesterday, i had another therapy session, and we just went over some positive self-talk exercises and such. i think she's trying too hard to ease me back into it." margot explained, getting comfortable on her bed. "anyways, how was your day?"

"oh, well, i guess that makes sense." awsten nodded, then continued, "i went back to the studio this morning, and worked some more on tweaking some lyrics and re-recording vocals, not very interesting." he laughed.

"nonsense. that stuff is so cool. when do i get to hear this new stuff." she raised her eyebrow. awsten told her she wasn't allowed to hear it until it was done, but she was impatient.

"when it's done, i told you, silly." he teased.

"booooo! i want to hear it now!" she complained, throwing her head back.

"stop that, i want it to sound perfect for you." he said, moving on. "i wanted to ask, did you want to come over soon? i don't want you to feel rushed, but we could just chill for a few hours, like a trial run of sorts." he reached over and grabbed something from his desk. "i've got these sick new fruit by the foot things, they collabed with starburst!"

she looked at the box in interest. those did look amazing.

"hmm, i don't know if that's good enough, what else do you have?" she pretended to be conflicted.

"uhhh, i've got pacific coolers? i bought a ridiculous amount because they were on clearance, so my fridge is full of them."

"oh, well, then i have to come help you clear them out." she laughed, "but seriously, yeah, i would like to come over."

if it was only for a few hours, nothing really fast or serious could really happen. what was the harm?

"alright, awesome." he looked a little too happy, as if she would've shut him down hard, "you wanna come over day after tomorrow?"

she agreed easily, and their call drew to an end a little after that, as awsten said he had some lyric idea he needed to get down.

they said goodbye, and margot sighed. she hoped she didn't regret anything, but so far, she'd had no reason to. it should stay that way.

☆