Listen. I have no idea where we went wrong. It was like all of a sudden something just clicked. And your reaction and saying we should break up just confirmed it. I know I told you I don't believe in fate, but somehow I really feel like this is the right decision, just like how I really feel like we were supposed to meet. I know you think that sounds stupid but I'm just trying to explain how I feel.
Archery, I have to admit, is just a thing I do, a thing I'm good at, but I don't want that to be me. I know I could win. I'm not trying to brag or anything, I'm just stating a fact. I know with 100% confidence I could win, and to me, that's enough. I don't need a metal or to be on TV to prove it. I just don't see the point in going down a path that will do more hurt than good.
I don't want to not talk to you. I still love you. That word is messy and complicated and has so many meanings, and I don't know which definition I mean but I do know that I still want to talk to you. I still want you in my life. I feel like we've been growing apart for a while now. Sometimes I think that I feel the same with you as I do alone, and it's those times when I wonder if I'm trying to force this feeling. I don't know what the truth is and I might need some time to figure it out. Who knows if that'll be weeks or years. I never understood how people could know enough to marry someone and commit their whole lives to them at this age, sixteen or seventeen or eighteen. How did they not question it? Wonder if it would even last? There's this saying that you've probably heard—right person, wrong time. I don't know if that's us. In case you're starting to pick up on a theme, I don't know much of anything, other than the fact that I can't not talk to you.
I never wanted to be "skinny" or look a certain way. It was never about looks if I'm being honest. I used to like the way I looked. Whenever I try to talk about this the words just come out wrong. It's like I wanted to take up as little space as possible, and the obsession grew and grew until I was so scared of losing "control" when I was never really the one in control in the first place. Do you know what that's like? The best way I can describe it is like you're drowning, and you're doing everything you can to stay at the surface but the waves keep crashing down, trying to pull you under. I'm trying to fix it, but it's hard when it's been such a big part of your life for so long. Is it selfish for me to want to prioritize myself for the first time in, well, maybe ever? Eventually it'll affect my kids if I have any, it'll affect whoever I choose to be with, if anyone. It affects my family. And most importantly, it affects me. I want to love myself without needed constant reassurance. I need time to heal from this on my own. I know you love me and you want what's best for me, and that's why you didn't want me to quit. Same reason I didn't want you to quit dance. I didn't not let you quit dance. That was you putting words in my mouth. Saying that I "never care about your feelings ever" was a lot. I've been thinking about that for days and I still think my response was honest. I've tried my best, but if that's not good enough for you then, well, so be it. I'm sorry if my best wasn't good enough for you. But just so you know, you weren't always perfect either. I don't know what changed, but something has. And I miss the way we used to be. Maybe I'm destined to have all my relationships end like this. I know I'm just word vomiting again but I guess the main point I'm getting at is that I want us to still be friends. Or something. So yeah.
Kayla
