Logan's Version

Logan's Version (scene 13) - Damage Control

Logan and Zoey are sitting on the living room couch with Michael and Drea, watching TV...
News anchor: It is said that "Crazy Things" lead actress Zoey Milton was seen with an unidentified guy who everyone believes is her unknown boyfriend. Pictures show Zoey, her brother Logan, and the Mysyery Guy together, right before they zoomed off in a crazily driven red car...
Michael: (eating popcorn) Ooh, your pictures are on TV (one of the pictures shows Zoey apparently winking while tying her scarf [laugh track]
Logan: For someone trying to avoid the paparazzi, you are incredibly prepared for them.
Zoey: That's what I've been saying. Man, they always take our pictures from a very bad angle [brief laugh track]
Logan: Is that what you're worried about?
Zoey: I'm just kidding. But I'm annoyed because we have been together for such a long time and the paparazzi just had to ruin it for us
Drea: So what will you do about it, Miss Zoey?
Zoey: I'll do what I call, following the paparazzi with sense.
Logan: (confused) I don't get. Is that supposed to be bad grammar seasoned with a comic undertone? [laugh track]
Zoey: No. What I mean is throwing them off balance anytime they try to get close to me and Trevor. We need to find the best places to disguise ourselves. Or rather, attend where the paparazzi will never think to look for us.
Drea: In other words, not everywhere? [brief laugh track]
Logan: Come to think about it, for a group called the paparazzi, they've never come to our house. That's a relief.
Michael: Ooh, we can tell them not to come here. If we see them!
Zoey: And we wonder why kids are the naive species [brief laugh track]
Logan: As for Trevor, I already handled him before, I chased him out of the car, into the house, and out again. Is that not enough for you? [laugh track]
Michael: Miss Zoey, do what you think is best.
Zoey: (smiles) Thanks, Michael.
Michael: Just as getting more popcorn is best for all of us (stands up)
Logan: No more popcorn, Michael. Nice try [brief laugh track]
Drea: (whispers to Michael as he sits back down) I told you to wait till they were in the rooms
Michael: (whispers back) Fine, but it's only because they can't hear us. We're nailing the whispering game!
Zoey: No, you aren't. We are right in front of you [laugh track]
Logan: You and Trevor have to be extra careful now. (shrugs) It's a good thing no one has met my girlfriend yet. (Zoey, Michael, and Drea stare at Logan in shock)
Zoey/Michael/Drea: GIRLFRIEND?!
Logan: (hesitant for a while) Look, I just saw a flying cow! (He tries to stand up and run, but Zoey holds his hand firmly and drags him down). Next time, I'll run first before mentioning the flying cow. And in my defence, that cow is very real.
Anne: (suddenly rushes into the living room from the kitchen) Did someone say Logan has a girlfriend? [laugh track]
Logan: (confused) Yes, I said so. And why are you acting all shocked? Also, where did you come from?! (Everyone starts to clear their throats and talk indistinctly)
Zoey: (hesitates) Because you're -
Michael: (cuts in) a bit of -
Anne: (sipping tea) Craziness personified [another laugh track]
Drea: Good thing I reserved my comment.
Logan: Wow, is that what y'all think of me? My craziness saves the day
Drea: No, it doesn't [laugh track]
Anne: It almost ruined a wedding.
Michael: Twice.
Logan: Michael, the first one was your fault. Seriously, what did you eat there?! [heavy laugh track]
Zoey: Almost got into trouble at Jay's restaurant
Michael: You made very awful jokes about me on TV
Zoey: And you get annoyed by Trevor for no reason.
Logan: Hey, I make funny jokes. Hear this.
Anne: Wait, what?
Logan: Why are vegetables good for my health? Because they provide me with nutrients from my heads to ma toes? (Everyone stares at him in confusion, Michael whispers to Drea, clearly appalled)
Michael: Wow. Even the audience knows not to laugh at this. And they laugh at every corny TV show joke [brief laugh track]
Zoey: Logan? Lil bro?
Logan: OK, I get it. Jeez! I'm not as funny as I used to
Anne: You used to be funny? [laugh track]
Zoey: (faces the kids) Michael, Drea, go to the rooms. The adults are having a conversation. (The two stand up to leave, but then, Michael asks)
Michael: (protests) But we're not that young
Drea: (bluntly) Michael, don't push it [laugh track]. (As soon as they leave, Zoey and Anne grin creepily at Logan).
Zoey/Anne: Who's she?
Logan: No, do not change the Trevor subject.
Zoey: Why not?
Logan: (scoffs) Um, you're more famous, and your social life is more at risk. And, in my free time, I babysit the same "funny" kids I taught and babysat when they were in kindergarten.
Drea: (calls out) WE HEARD THAT!! [Laugh track]
Zoey: Drea, stop eavesdropping.
Michael: (with a British accent) It's just facts, ma'am [another laugh track]
Logan: And this is where I leave. (He proceeds to leave the house. He opens the door but is stunned when both Mikey and Trevor fall in as soon he does so [laugh track]). What is wrong with you? (The two stand up gradually)
Trevor: We should be asking you that.
Mikey: Why will you leave without finishing this very private, important conversation?
Logan: The same one you're recording? (points at Trevor's phone)
Trevor: (tries to defend himself) Don't be ridiculous. Joke's on you, I just pressed the record button now. (He quickly puts his phone in his pocket) [laugh track].
Mikey: You just hit record? This is how to create damage in the middle of damage control.
Logan: (sarcastic) And you say I'm the crazy one [laugh track]. I'm outta here (he leaves the house and closes the door behind him. Zoey has a concerned look on her face).
Zoey: (worried) I feel bad about him (brightens up), but I don't care. We have to find out. Who's driving?
Mikey: I'll drive. (The others glare at his response) [laugh track]
Michael: NO. [Another laugh track]
Trevor: Bro, if you love us so much, DON'T drive!
Zoey: (in a soft voice) Yes, Mikey. Listen to your friend and do not drive!
Anne: (confused) His driving is not bad
Zoey: TAKE THAT BACK!! [Another laugh track]
Trevor: I'll do the driving (turns toward the door with the others following suit. Meanwhile, Drea and Michael are still in the room).
Michael: (offscreen) Should we come out now? Hello?
Drea: Is anyone there? [Chirping crickets]
Michael: Zip it, crickets!
Drea: (exhales tiredly) I hate babysitting [final laugh track]. (The camera scans the living room briefly before ending the scene).