Logan's Version

LV 3 [a lockdown comedy] (scene 2) - Birthday Cake

The scene opens with Logan, Tracy, Nigel, Jesse, and Kelsea on the set of George's TV series. Although the others are discussing with other cast members, Logan and Nigel are shown talking to a lady of Indian descent about 23 years old.
Logan: So Simran, what do you think of me and you? Together? At a restaurant.
Simran: (she ignores Logan and turns to Nigel) Does he do this all the time?
Nigel: Unfortunately, yes. He says it works every time [laugh track].
Simran: Like, it works against him? [laugh track]
Logan: (to Nigel) Seriously, man. Do you always have to ruin my chances with the ladies?
Nigel: That's what you do best, not mine [brief laugh track].
Simran: You really need to work on your shot jokes. I mean, seriously, you're the "sim" that didn't "run" away? [laugh track] (Simran walks off, while Nigel turns toward Logan. His eyes meet George's temporarily before talking to Logan).
Nigel: Logan, remember. You and George aren't exactly in good terms, so don't give him a reason to fire you.
Logan: But why do I feel there's more to him just firing me like that? It doesn't really add up, you know. (Just then, George gets everyone's attention by blowing a foghorn horn, much to everyone's annoyance)
George: Attention, everyone! I know we have a series to finish in the light of an incoming pandemic. But first and foremost, I have a very special announcement to make about one of our very own.
Tracy: You're finally getting rid of that hideous vase in your office? [laugh track]
Nigel: Or that tiny mannequin of you with a stand that says, "Best Director of a Comedy Series"?
George: (defensive) Hey, I won that award fair and square!
Kelsea: (walks in) Mr George, someone called on the phone, saying they want their trophy back. Literally [laugh track]
George: (ignores everyone) Anyway, we're gathered here to celebrate our friend and colleague, Logan Hilson, on his special birthday today. (shrugs somewhat nonchalantly) Or, rather, last week? [brief laugh track] (Logan, Tracy, and Nigel roll their eyes) We're all going to sing the special Happy Birthday song for Logan, as Simran gets the cake!
Simran: (she stylishly walks in with the covered box of cake before setting it on a brown centre table. She briefly glances at Logan and sings sassily) Logan's son went up the hill -
Logan/Jesse: (offended) Excuse you? [brief laugh track]
George: Dear God. Simran, we talked about this. Do you not mind running faster than that crazy cell service at Indiana?
Jesse: (irritated by the annoying word play) I can't take this anymore! Logan, cut your cake and have it before your son goes downhill. (turns to Nigel) Oh, I see it now [laugh track].
Logan: Yeah, it was starting to get annoying. (He proceeds to open and cut the cake into separate pieces. The cake is a velvety and vanilla cake decorated with orange and blue icing, with the words "Happy 25th, Logan!" written on it. The velvety and vanilla colours are halved, so Logan decides to cut out from the top of the velvety half, but George clears his throat to get his attention) You don't like velvet, Mr. George?
George: You should take the bottom side of the velvet cake. That's where the sweetness is.
Tracy: (to Nigel) More like an ironic sweetness of home sweet home [brief laugh track]. Why's Mr George sounding like that?
Nigel: (confused) I think he put something in that part of the cake, did he?
Logan: (suspicious) Hmm, if you say so. (He cuts out from the bottom velvet, but George stops him again)
George: But when you think about it - (everyone groans in hunger)
Kelsea: Seriously! (She uses her left fingers to swipe on the cake and grab a large piece. Everyone stares at her as she eats the piece of cake in her messy hands. She defends herself) What? The Logan thing was the only reasonable thing to do in this case.
Logan: (energetic) HA! I told you all that the Logan thing works!
Jesse: (face palms) Wow, can he not try to embarrass himself on his birthday?
Tracy: (sarcastic) Finally, you see your teacher for who he really is. [laugh track] (Everyone uses their hands to grab a piece of cake for themselves and eat - except for Logan).
Logan: Guys? Can you? (Everyone continues to eat, ignoring him) Sure, you can eat my own birthday cake [laugh track]...

An hour later...
Logan, Tracy, Nigel, Jesse, and Kelsea are sitting in Nigel's car, eating the rest of the cake. This time, they are sharing the vanilla half.
Logan: You know, I think Mr George is trying to make up for his wrongs.
Jesse: But something still feels wrong, Mr Liam. I can feel it.
Tracy: (sarcastic) You can feel everything. You're psychic [laugh track]. (Just then, Kelsea holds her tummy and grimaces).
Nigel: Do you have to go again?
Kelsea: Yes. But I don't feel so good and it's the fourth time.
Tracy: We should get her to the hospital. Might be some kind of allergy. (Nigel ignites the car, and soon, the 5 of them are on the way to a random hospital. However, about 10 minutes later, it is revealed that Kelsea's in a ward, to bd observed by Neil, who has just conducted a few tests).
Logan: Really, Tracy? Of all people, it had to be Neil. This is not how to get over an ex [laugh track]
Tracy: I suggested meeting Neil on the way to the hospital.
Logan: In my defence, I assumed it was someone related to Neil Armstrong [brief laugh track].
Neil: (walks in sassily with a paper) Don't say "in your defence." Rather, you say, "in a dense state of mind." [laugh track] Anyway, I went through the tests, and Kelsea did have an allergic reaction to some kind of ingredient in the cake.
Nigel: My sister is allergic to nuts. It might have been an almond cake. I mean, Simran never told me what type of cake it was. She just ran [laugh track].
Logan: (chuckles at the word play) Right? She always runs when she's annoyed or nervous or just trying to get "sim" service.
Tracy: (to Jesse) Vamp, please tell Nigel and Logan you had a vision where they were stoned for their inability to have a proper sense of humour [another laugh track].
Jesse: Wait a minute! Liam also had very bad allergies to nuts. Especially almonds. (to Neil) He went nuts sometime last year after he drank a smoothie that had almonds in them.
Neil: Nuts and nuts in the same sentence? I like this kid already [laugh track]
Tracy: But for some reason, you weren't able to enjoy the cake properly.
Nigel: Because everyone rushed in before you could, leaving you to only eat the one we had in the car.
Neil: Well, sometimes, the lethality of the allergy depends on the quantity of the substance. Meaning, if Logan had more cake, he would've had worse than just a tummy ache. (Logan, Tracy, and Nigel glance at one another in realization)
Logan: George knows I'm allergic to almonds. Especially when we had the smoothie - (he pauses as it finally hits him). George's trying to kill me.
Neil: Finally! Someone to do what I've been expecting for so long. (They all glare at Neil) [brief laugh track]
Jesse: Now I'm starting to "unlike" you [laugh track]
Neil: I'm sorry it came out that way. (exhales) But if it helps, there has to be some other reason this George is trying so hard to let Logan go, even to the point of giving you something you're very allergic to. Aside from the fact that you can be a bit of a dumbell [laugh track]. (Logan rolls his eyes at the insult)
Kelsea: We can't just sneak into his office or follow him around for answers.
Neil: (thinks for a while) Hmm, I might know someone. I just have to make a quick call, and you can come see him tomorrow.
Tracy: That's fine. We'll be happy to meet your friend. Right, Logan?
Logan: (lamenting) But I'm likeable. What is there to not like about me?
Nigel/Tracy: (The two start muttering gibberish while slowly walking out of the room. Kelsea follows suit, while Jesse, Logan, and Neil stay behind in the ward).
Neil: It's a good thing they said it first. If I did so, you would've sent me to a mental asylum [brief laugh track].
Jesse: Mr Liam, you get in your own head sometimes. But it doesn't mean we don't care any less - except for the monster that tried to hurt you today.
Logan: Jesse, his name is George.
Jesse: We're not doing this. [laugh track]. (He walks out while Neil shrugs at his response. Neil and Logan walk out of the ward, ending the scene).