Logan's Version

LV 3 [a lockdown comedy] (scene 11) - Crazy Parent Act

The scene opens with Jesse on a video call with his parents, Gerald and Stephanie. He's sitting on the living room couch and eating some pancakes.
Jesse: Mom, Dad, I really miss you a lot. And don't tell Mr. Liam, but he doesn't make these pancakes the way you do.
Logan: (yells out from the kitchen) I HEARD THAT!! [Laugh track]
Stephanie: That's so sweet, but remember Logan is like your second dad. Don't try to annoy him so much.
Gerald: Your mom's right. However, I don't blame certain people for losing their minds right now. (On the screen, Jesse sees Amber walking toward them with flour all over her T-shirt and her cheeks)
Amber: Making pancakes is so hard, dad. And why can't Jesse do it? He has superpowers.
Gerald: Princess, Jesse is psychic. He can only see things before they happen and not make them happen. (mutters) Hopefully [brief laugh track]
Amber: (scoffs) Useless! [another laugh track]
Jesse: (protests) Hey! That's not true!
Stephanie: Come to think of it, how did you not see Amber making a mess in the kitchen?
Jesse: I don't live with you. And it doesn't work that way. Besides, you are right about the losing minds thing.
Gerald: (concerned) Why's that?
Jesse: Logan and Tracy pretend they're my parents sometimes, and it can be very annoying.
Gerald: They are your guardians. So it's normal for them.
Stephanie: You're overreacting about the whole thing.
Jesse: (Logan and Tracy walk out of the kitchen, arguing about something. They don't realize Jesse is still on the call)
Logan: I always make it clear that you should never, in your life, read through my personal journal! There's a reason I wrote "Logan's personal property" and "Do not open" on the first page.
Tracy: Logan, you wrote, "Do not open." That was your first mistake [laugh track]. And I'm bored out of my skull. For some reason, your life stories are pretty entertaining.
Logan: Uh, you never listen! (turns to Jesse) Jesse, back me up!
Tracy: No, you'll not drag our baby into this. Jesse will stand by his mother, and that's me, 'cause I raised him [brief laugh track]
Gerald: (to Stephanie) They do realize we can see and hear them, right?
Stephanie: And we are raising him. In the spirit [laugh track].
Jesse: Look, now we're all overreacting [brief laugh track]
Stephanie: (to Gerald) We better hurry and take our baby back before they do.
Jesse: Mom, I'm 10.
Stephanie: 10 backwards is 01, so you're still little [another laugh track]
Jesse: (turns to Logan) Mr Liam, Miss Tracy, you are both right about everything. Now, do you mind?
Logan: (heaves a sigh) Sure. Anything for my little boy. (smirks proudly) Cause you know, I'm his daddy.
Jesse: (with sweet sarcasm) "Daddy," please don't [another laugh track]. Also, you realize my real daddy is on the phone, right? (Both Logan and Tracy look closely at Jesse's phone and stare at Jesse's parents in surprise)
Gerald: Hello, "Daddy" [laugh track].
Logan: (nervously) Hello, Mr Gerald. You didn't hear anything, did you?
Tracy/Jesse/Stephanie: (mocks) No, he didn't [laugh track].
Stephanie: I don't have the time to complain if I should complain about the fact that my son has a new family or he takes after his fake dad and his real mom.
Kelsea: (walks in) Don't forget me! I'm his fake sister, you know [brief laugh track]
Jesse: (sharply glares at Kelsea) Kelsea, you're better than this. Don't add to the ongoing madness [laugh track]
Gerald: OK, we've seen enough TV drama for one phone call. If we wanted to watch drama, we have our very own drama princess.
Tracy: Do you mean drama queen?
Stephanie: No, drama princess. Amber insists it's her signature name after learning that her big brother is famous. She wants to be like you.
Jesse: That's kind of cool, you know?
Stephanie: (chuckles) Oh, it's funny you think it's cool [brief laugh track]. We gotta go now. We'll talk later. Bye, my adorable little boy (They end the call)
Jesse: (puts the phone down and glares at Kelsea, Logan, and Tracy) What in the world was that?
Logan: That was us pretending to be the best family you've ever had [laugh track]
Jesse: But my parents and sister ARE my family. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Lincoln didn't embarrass me today, and I'm impressed.
Kelsea: But Lincoln is with Neil.
Jesse: (sarcastic) Hey, you get the point now [brief laugh track]
Tracy: Don't be rude, Jesse. Your fake dad and I work way too hard to take care of you in the absence of your other dad and mom.
Jesse: YOU'RE the other dad and mom, and Kelsea is like the adopted sister I didn't want to have, but you let her in anyway [laugh track]. But in fairness, I shouldn't be like that. And I'm sorry, but there was no need to do all that to prove you're great parents.
Kelsea: I would've given a great comeback, but you're right. We're both adopted [brief laugh track]
Jesse: (groans) I just can't with all of you. I'm going to make a phone call. With Lincoln, 'cause he's the only one who gets me in my time of crazy [another laugh track]
Tracy: (As soon as Jesse leaves the living room, she turns to Logan) I can't believe he doesn't think we're amazing at being his fake parents.
Logan: (with disdain) Are you listening to yourself?
Tracy: (relieved) I thought I was the only one who felt like throwing up. Acting is so hard [brief laugh track]
Logan: I'm surprised it took me for you to realize that.
Tracy: Don't forget. The emphasis is on the you part. (She turns around and starts going to the dining table. Only Kelsea and Logan are in the living room)
Kelsea: (smirks) So, Dad?
Logan: Kelsea, cut! Take 5, I can't have any more nightmares [final laugh track]. (Logan sits on the couch to watch TV. Kelsea hesitates for some seconds before joining him as the scene ends).