When I was little I told my dad I felt like I wasn't normal, like maybe all the other kids at school had taken some class on how to be a Normal Person and I had missed it. It seemed like they all knew exactly how to behave and what was expected of them and how to interact with each other. He told me everyone feels like that. I know he was trying to reassure me but it just reinforced what I already knew—that something was wrong. I know now that my brain doesn't work the same as everyone else's but I'm starting to wonder if there's really such a thing as "normal". Like, maybe humans are too complex for that and some behaviors and ways of thinking are just more acceptable than others for some reason. Sometimes I do feel like I fit. But more and more as I've gotten older I've had this feeling like I don't belong. And it scares me. I don't want to shut everyone out but it feels like so much work to reach out to anyone. Is it sad that I only have one close friend that I'm not related to? Probably. Relationships of any kind are so exhausting. Maybe I'm so scared of abandonment that I don't want to let anyone else in. Maybe I just forgot how to. Anyway. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm fine. Really.
