unspeakable | jegulus

you can't find your goodness (you lost your heart)

chapter title: just like this train by joni mitchell

tw: self-injury (a burn)

In the space of an hour they were all a bit tipsy, the unsurprising consequence of splitting two bottles of wine between three teenagers. When they drained the last drop, Snape was on his feet. He didn't seem as subdued anymore. Even at that Halloween party, Snape had been sober. James had never seen him drunk before. He wasn't messy but he definitely wasn't sober. His pallid cheeks were flushed from the wine.

"I have a question. I wanted to know because of... because she ... anyway... Okay, okay, okay, wait!" He threw up both of his hands, like he was fending off an interruption. James suppressed an amused smile. "You both need to tell me why you started dating, or whatever you're doing, because I'm not buying this bullshit story you tell everyone about it." He zeroed in on James, his eyes too intent despite his drunkenness. "Bull-fucking-shit... all bullshit" His amused smile didn't waver. Snape's eyebrows furrowed, his voice came out ugly and small. "As if you want to be a Death Eater."

"It's not bullshit," James longed for a snitch, or anything else to fidget with. He was inclined to ignore the last half of his interrogation. He'd been drinking enough that he'd probably drop it if James did. He pressed his nails into the edge of the table and ran the pads of his fingertips over the dark embroidery on the sleeves of his dress robes. He got antsy when he drank. He always wanted to wander, or dance, or cry. "That's actually what happened. Lily broke up with me because I called her a bitch to her face and then said I would never change and if she wanted to be with me she'd better get used to it, which is honestly very reasonable, then I ran off crying to the forest. Regulus was there doing some kind of ritual."

"That bit about a ritual is not common knowledge," Snape said. He leaned toward them, half falling into a chair. Blessedly forgetting about his second line of questioning. James didn't want to talk about his own motivations and pretend to understand himself when he truly didn't, when he was beginning to grow frightened of the potential for evil lurking inside of him.

"I prefer not to advertise my interest in blood magick," Regulus said dryly. "I was doing a blood ritual because of the eclipse. James found me. He was weeping. I'm bad with emotion, so I invited him to join me. We did it together. It was beautiful. There were motes of moonlight floating around us like stars on earth, millions of them, a swarm of light. He told me he didn't want to go back to the tower, and he was looking at me like... so I..." Regulus turned red. "Anyway, it's not bullshit. That's actually how it happened. Everyone thinks he cheated on her but he didn't."

"I would never cheat on anyone," James said resolutely. "I definitely wouldn't cheat on Regulus because he would murder whoever I cheated with and probably make me watch."

"You know me so well." Regulus smiled lovingly, his eyes hard. He patted the back of his hand affectionately.

"Damn right I do." James pulled him closer, touchy and warm. Regulus let him hold him. His cheeks were bitten pink by wine as if with cold. Possessive anger flashed through him when he remembered what happened the morning of this godforsaken day. Too much for one day. "Better than Crouch. Where is that little weasel?" Regulus frowned and touched his cheek. His touch was warmer than James was used to.

"He's my best friend. You have to stop hating him eventually."

"You'll find I don't have to do that, starling. In fact, I hate him more than ever." He tucked his face in the crook of Regulus' neck and peered at Snape over his narrow, silvery shoulder. He felt oddly affectionate toward Snape now. He couldn't parse whether it was genuine affection or guilt, and he was too tipsy to care. "I cannot stand him. I hate him more than I have ever hated you. You're actually pretty alright, for a Slytherin. You might get along with Remus, when you actually get to know each other. I mean... if you hadn't tried to tell the whole school he's a werewolf, you would have gotten along with him. He'll probably hate you forever for that. It's a damn shame. You have a lot in common. Except, both of his parents are nice, and he's funny. You're not funny." Regulus flicked the back of his ear. "Ah, fuck off."