unspeakable | jegulus

feeling small

chapter title: a bridge over troubled water by simon & garfunkel

tw: graphic self-harm/sexual content

welcome to the 'Adam II (Infirmary)' (nicole dollanganger) arc of their relationship <3

you can add:

'All of This Will End' by Indigo De Souza / 'Worst Case Kid' by Tommy Lefroy / 'Ship To Wreck' by Florence + The Machine / 'Change' by Alex G / 'Oh Well' by Fiona Apple / 'I Will' by Mitski / 'Turn Out the Lights' by Julien Baker / 'Hard Times' by Ethel Cain / 'Angels of Porn II' by Nicole Dollanganger

to your queue. if you'd like :]

"You've never seen one before?" Evan asked him, leaning over the dinner table to pour himself a (bewildering, to James) cup of coffee to have with his dinner. The great hall seemed more warm and golden than it ever had before after the sea of endless white James had walked through sightlessly, too numb even to think, on the familiar path to the castle. The soft steady flakes swirling so gracefully when Lily confronted him had built steadily into a blizzard so dense James hadn't been able to see more than a few meters ahead of him whilst he strode through the ankle-deep snow to get to the carriages. Severus, as quiet as the Grey Lady, was ghostlike in the cold beside him.

And then there were the beasts, skeletal and scentless. The beasts like living dead things. When James stopped in his tracks to stare at the creatures Severus furrowed his eyebrows, unable to see more than their hoof prints in the fresh white powder, and asked him what he was gawking at.

"No. It was kind of disgusting. It wasn't what I thought it would be," James said quietly. He wanted to go to bed. He was tired in a way that felt beyond bone deep. Nightmarish sleep and that horrific conversation he'd had were joining forces to send him to his metaphorical hands and knees, crawling through conversation until he could drag himself into Regulus' arms and be nothing until morning. He was too tired play the games he knew he'd have to play to keep Barty and Evan from seeing right through him.

Barty patted his shoulder consolingly. James stared at the table and tried to keep his expression from betraying him, to keep a hard, flinty edge out of his own eyes. Relax. He felt like his skin didn't fit him correctly, like he was an imposter pretending to be himself. Lily had dealt a blow out there in the cold. James needed to nurse his injuries. He needed to tend to himself, ice his bruises, stitch up the scrapes and cuts on his heart. He was a walking open wound forcing a smile and feigning ease. There was a storm raging under his skin, inside of the hollow of his chest, the place where his ribs cradled his heart felt tender beyond description, like his very bones were bruised.

"They freaked me out too. Every year at this school I thought those carriages were driverless, and today I walk up to some great bloody fucking skeleton horse abomination. Evan had to hold my hand, I was petrified."

"You tried to climb on it," Regulus drawled, picking through the food on his plate listlessly, "as if it was a horse."

"It tried to bite me," Barty told James, apparently delighted that a thestral tried to eat him. "I bet if you got on the back of one of those things it'd be a lot like riding a Pegasus or a hippogriff or something, except pussies who haven't witnessed a proper murder wouldn't be able to see your horse, so they'd think you're some kind of levitation prodigy. It'd be hilarious."

"I think they live in the forbidden forest. We could try feeding them together, if you want," Evan offered. Barty spun in his seat and kissed him with so much passion James averted his eyes.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," Barty said, between very wet sounding kisses. James wanted to get up and leave. Without Pandora around it seemed that Barty and Evan had no reason not to kiss and crawl all over each other as obnoxiously as possible with every spare minute of the day. It had been bad enough on the train. James suppressed a sigh.