unspeakable | jegulus

still i look to find a reason to believe

chapter title: reason to believe by karen dalton

(a more period-accurate version of this song would be from Tim Hardin, but karen dalton's version is a lot better. in my opinion at least. the emotion she puts into the song fits this story far better than the original. so allow me this little digression from my usual devotion to period-accurate music only <3)

if you want to listen to some very period inaccurate songs, you can add:

'Amber Waves' by Ethel Cain / 'Lonesome Love' by Mitski / 'Wading In Waist-High Water' by Fleet Foxes / 'First Time' by Lucy Dacus

to your queue <3 i hope you enjoy this chapter

i'm going camping in the mountains this week! so i might post a chapter or i might not, it depends how shitty the cell service is. editing an ao3 draft on your cellphone with unreliable internet connection is not for the faint of heart

James woke from an unnatural dreamless sleep to find a tiny black cat  standing on his chest, staring down at him with eerily familiar silver  eyes.

"Hello." His whisper was rough, low with sleep, yet  as soft and playful as it always was when he spoke to animals. "Good  morning, little Shadow." She made a little chirping noise very unlike a  meow and rubbed her cheek on the tip of his nose. "Lovely to see you  too. Did you miss me?" She squeaked again, another sweet little chirp,  and as soon as he patted her she began to purr.

"You  already have company, should I come back later? I guess this is why my  mother always taught me never to drop in on anybody uninvited without  any kind of notice." Shadow's ears pressed back against her skull. She  turned to face the gap in the white curtains around his bed, no longer  purring. Lily extended a fingertip to say hello and Shadow hissed at her, ears flat, tail puffed enormous, with all of her fur on end. Theatrics. She must get it from her father.

"I think she'd absolutely prefer if you did," he said. Lily laughed.

"When  did you get a cat? She's so cute. I love cats." She reached out to pet  her and Shadow swiped at her hand with her little razor-sharp claws.  Lily laughed again, the laugh she had that crinkled up her elfin nose  and her eyes in unison. The tip of her nose always turned pink when she  laughed or really smiled, along with the warm apples of her cheeks.  Somehow, he'd already forgotten that about her. The little things always  seem to vanish first when you lose someone to time. How often had he  seen her laugh in the past few months, even when she was with her  friends? James hadn't paid enough attention to recall. He felt a twinge  of something in his chest, something like guilt, and forced himself to  swallow it. "She's still only a kitten. She's so small, look at her.  Aww." Lily smiled the softest, shyest little smile. Her voice softened,  babyish and saccharine. "Shadow, is that your name? Can we be friends,  sweetheart?"

"Oh, she isn't my cat. She likes me well  enough but she isn't mine." Lily managed to pet the top of Shadow's head  and the kitten slid out from under her hand like an otter in water,  weaving her way up James' chest until she was out of Lily's reach. James  cradled her absently with one hand and set her on his lap, rubbing her  downy ears. "Regulus got her as a Christmas gift." Lily made a soft,  affirmative noise. She gave up on earning the kitten's affection  instantly, dispassionate now instead of curious. "His mother picked her  for him. He said he's been asking for a cat for years but they wouldn't  let him get one. Regulus made his parents proud, so he finally got a  kitten."

"Made them proud... how?" Lily asked, soft.

James raised his eyebrows and lied implicitly, he slid his hand over the mark on his arm and asked her, "How do you think he made them proud?"