unspeakable | jegulus

down to earth, then, sinks the sun

chapter title: day is done by nick drake

tw: mentions of suicide

Their last handful of days at the House of Black were tense. Walburga  silently, anxiously watched James and Regulus while they glued  themselves to chairs, surrounded by books constantly. They read about  soul magic until it invaded James' (unavoidable) nightmares. Regulus  woke him up when he was gasping in his sleep and crying out about blood,  mistaking dream for reality, dazed and untethered, fumbling for his  wand even in his sleep. James tried to wipe away the memories of what  he'd done, but they kept repeating, endlessly. Regulus, his knife in  hand, her blood muddying pale skin around the ancient runes he'd carved,  her wounds winding over her skin in some dreams, beautiful, living  flowers weeping blood.

In his nightmares, James was the one holding the knife.

In his nightmares, it was Lily at their feet.

The  first time he'd woken up with her name in his mouth Regulus iced him  out for the entire morning, he wouldn't hear a word from him until he  apologized on his knees. The second time, he'd been gentle. His lips at  his temple, soothing whispers and soft hands, lips finding his,  lingering and sweet. James sank into his arms, into winter, all of him  as soft as fresh snow. Regulus forgave him for dreaming about her when  James finally managed to tell him what the dreams were about in more  than fumbling, half-broken fragments.

"You were dreaming about torturing   her?" The pure glee in his voice inspired a vicious impulse to shove  him off of their bed. James managed to resist, but it was a close thing.

"It was a nightmare." James wanted to shake him. Regulus smiled all the same.

"The  way you said her name when you were sleeping makes sense now. I thought  you were making those sounds for a different reason."

"Jesus Christ, Regulus." Regulus didn't look ashamed at all. Guiltless happiness was written on his face. "I was crying."

"Sometimes  you cry when we're fucking, I don't know what you dream about." He  sniffed disdainfully. "I'm sorry you're having bad dreams, my love, but  honestly, this is the only outcome I'd ever hope for with regard to your  dreams about Evans."

"You're ridiculously jealous."

"Am I? Or am I reasonably jealous of the girl you readily admit that you're still in love with?"

"I love her, I always will, but I'm not in love with her." James sighed when Regulus' eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms over his chest.

"When  will you learn to lie about this?" Regulus looked down his nose at him,  icy, posture straight, haughty and cold. "Just tell me you don't care  about her, I don't care if it's true or not. I hate hearing the word love  come out of your mouth if it's connected to someone that isn't me.  Maybe that's horrible. I don't care. You belong to me. You're mine. Why  should anyone else get to have you? Why would you love anyone that isn't  me?"

"I'm not a possession. I'm a person. I have complicated feelings."

"You have nothing but complicated feelings. There is nothing uncomplicated about you."

"I  never feel anything complicated about Sirius. That's always been easy,  like breathing." James knew it was the wrong thing to say the second he  saw Regulus' face. "Don't freak out."

"Don't tell me not  to freak out." Regulus curled his lip. "I'll freak out if I feel it's  justified, and I'll hear nothing from you about it. You told me you want  to murder me. I get to do whatever I want." He paused, then said, "I  think you'll feel better when you're at school again, with your  friends."