unspeakable | jegulus

i only kiss your shadow

chapter title: the dangling conversation by simon & garfunkel

Regulus sank to the floor and hugged his knees against his chest. James sat beside him on the ground and took his hand very gently. Regulus let him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked softly. Regulus shook his head. "Do you want to lay in bed with me? I can just hold you for a while, if you want."

"That sounds nice." He allowed himself to be led to his bed. James wrapped his soft blankets around both of them and held Regulus in his arms, his nose tucked into his hair. Regulus was quiet for a very long time, long enough James leaned away to see if he was asleep. He wasn't. His eyes were open and fixed on a spot on his chest. When James moved, his eyes didn't. It was eerie, like he was a doll.

He couldn't blame him for being overwhelmed. If Sirius, or even Remus, had said anything like what Barty said today, James probably would have cried until he was sick. Their friendship might be irreparably damaged. One of the most important friendships in Regulus' life. They'd been friends since they were children. Barty had just thrown a javelin through Regulus' chest like it was Cupid's arrow. Unrequited love was painful (if anyone understood that, it was James) but he couldn't fathom how Barty could bring himself to say all of the shit he did today. James would have taken that to the grave, if it was him. He definitely wouldn't have said any of it in front of his best friend's fiancé. What did Barty expect? He had Evan, too. Did he really think Regulus would throw his other best friend's feelings away to be with him, when they both already have boys that love them? Regulus had done a lot of morally questionable things in the time that James had known him, but he couldn't imagine him betraying Evan like that.

James traced his cheekbone with his thumb. It seemed to break Regulus out of his trance. His eyes slowly moved to meet his.

"I feel sick," he whispered.

"I would too." James carded his fingers through his hair and his eyes fluttered shut.

"I want to hit him in the head with a bat."

"You should. I'll help. What did you want to do last time he made you angry...Do you want to put a snake in his bed?" His clumsy attempt at levity made Regulus frown. "What do you need, love?"

"I need him to not feel that way about me. I'm hurting him..." he trailed off and bit his lip harshly. "I've been hurting him for a long time and I didn't know. I feel guilty, even though I didn't do anything wrong. It makes me feel so vile to know I'm causing him pain. I feel so sick. I don't know what to do."

"You guys will be able to move past this. I know you will. It'll just take time."

"He knows me better than anyone else on earth," whispered Regulus. James tenderly moved a lock of hair out of his eyes. He ran a fingertip over his cheek again, a little repetitive movement he hoped would be soothing.

"I know he does, baby. It must feel really lonely not being able to talk about this with him." Regulus' eyes flashed to his instantly. His eyebrows furrowed.

"How did you know what was going on in my head? How do you always know? I was just thinking about how this is the sort of thing I'd usually talk to Barty about, or Evan, but I can't. I shouldn't."

"Are you going to tell Evan?" His sharp laugh came out of nowhere. He felt his heartbeat spike.

"Evan would probably start planning to murder me to get me out of the picture the second he knew how Barty felt."

"What?" James must have been severely misunderstanding who Evan was until this exact moment.

"You haven't noticed? He's obsessed with him. The way they are... I don't know how Barty could ever think he wants me when he has a relationship like that. If he told Evan to cut off his own hand, he would do it without even asking why. If you think I'm intense, you have no idea, none, what real obsession is. I've seen what they look like when I get back, after I leave them alone in our dorm for too long. You know those jokes they made, that I'd carve my name into you if you let me?" He nodded, with an ever growing pit of dread yawning in his stomach. "Barty's bed is always full of blood because they stab each other when they're... you know. Both of them have carved all kinds of shit into each other, it's all over them. It's not just about sex, either. It's an ownership thing. They've done blood spells that are binding until death. I don't know what the fuck Barty is playing at telling me he's in love with me when he has Rosier carved in his leg. He's insane." His pale eyes were fixed somewhere beyond him, looking at something within his own mind. "Evan can't know. Ever. You haven't spent much time with him, you don't know what he's like. He's quieter than Barty, so it's not as easy to see it, but there's something missing from him. He's one of my best friends, but I think if he found out Barty is in love with me he would kill me and crack open my chest and eat my heart."