'Not Anymore.'
My nightmare came true,
When I thought it would never get to you,
I should've stopped the moment I knew,
The whole city suddenly painted blue.
I trapped myself in a cage,
Writing a book of us on a colourful page,
I didn't mind the status nor the age,
I already built our family in beige.
What if you've said my name before?
Calling me "darling" or something even more?
Waiting for me to even pass the door?
Or maybe I'm just a lunatic, this fling I outwore.
This giddy feeling I felt every time I looked at you,
Come with love but anxious too,
I kept seeing an invisible wife or a possible boo,
Not knowing I know her too well, she's not new.
She's so pretty too kind to be hated,
She's a friend of mine, too near when she's seated,
I just know you will find me too jaded,
Even in this extravagant, superficial personality, brocaded.
The moment I was told, my heart gained 100 pounds,
I couldn't eat properly, not hearing people's sound,
Deafening voices, this sadness I drowned,
I tried to fake a smile to hide this frown.
Just so you know, my feelings started to fade,
It will all be over, I'll come to your wedding late,
I'll step backward, I've seen what's written on my fate,
I'll untangle this ruined fantasy like combing a braid.
But then, I keep finding your gaze in other men,
I keep falling in this maze, again and again,
I screamed your name out loud, all in vain,
Recalling the memory we never had, even though they're faint.
As a coping mechanism, I built hateful feelings against you,
On God, I can't stand your face nor your existence too,
To protect me from heartbreak, this extent I have to take,
Hating the both of you, just for my mental's sake.
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine someday,
Maybe you don't care anyway. Have a good wedding day!
I'll come maybe... Maybe not? What would you say?
Hope the July storm pours out that day
tamat.
-2026
