'Amort Alchemy'
When the breeze hit my lips,
I pretended it was your kiss,
I can't deny the truth, it is you that I miss,
Yet, I drowned in this made-up freedom of bliss.
If you showed up insane, I'd trust you again,
I'll be a fool to a man, like the blind being lent a hand,
The ephemeral joy of loving and being loved by you,
But, I feel like a dog being walked around the house, the park and the garden too.
God, I'm at war,
I thought I'd get better if I fled across the country, so far,
It was not about what you said, nor what you left at the door,
But it was about what you did which made me hate you more.
They said the thing you love the most will break your heart,
I never once thought it would be you, tearing me apart,
It's suffocating every time I say your name,
It only brings back trauma, scars and shame.
I keep praying on my knees,
For your health, your wealth and your redamancy,
I woke up at night, feeling your breath beside me,
The wave of your lingering saudade washed all over the electrons of the atoms in my body.
Behind those beau geste handshakes,
Hid an egregious liar, wreackage of your mistakes,
You made me think you were different, but you're just the same,
You're hiding your devil beneath the halo and God's name.
My fist was white, holding too long on the anchor,
I had to let go, though I never wanted you to be over,
But, I can never decipher what you are to me,
You showed me the way, but I still maundered aimlessly.
I held my breath the time I decided to leave,
This ambivalence I can't wash with mere grief,
The silence, resonating like a drop of a pin,
Every step I took, felt like a tiny drop of sin.
I still think about how it could be if I hadn't met you,
About all the possibilities, and the chances I once knew,
What my life would be if I hadn't said “yes” to you.
I regret you. I do.
Even statues crumble if they are made to wait,
Your absence, painted me with nothing but hate,
To surround yourself with balesprits will only make you realise,
How devoid of empathy these intellects can disguise.
tamat.
-2026
