complications » h.s. [COMPLETED]

epilouge - the letter

Dear Harry

I have been staring at this blank piece of paper for hours trying to come up with words to tell you how sorry I am. Remember how I told you that I liked the aspects of letters? That's why I decided to write you one, and also I decided to only write one letter to you, telling everything from my perspective and I hope you'll explain further it to the guys. If you don't because you hate me, I'll understand. I kinda hate myself too.

It's been three years since I last saw you. Three long years. Where do I even start?

I miss you. I miss your beautiful deep green eyes who desperately tried to get an explanation out of me when the FBI took me. And that is what I am going to give you now.

I was taken by Zayn and his guys a late night in early January after my night shift at the restaurant. A night that changed my life in so many possible ways, both good and bad. He took me in and forced me to join his plan, because my big sister Sky had literally fucked them over. He threatened to kill my sister if I didn't join, so I did. His plan was to transfer me to your group, use me as an insider to get Madeleine's shipment, which I eventually did. And I guess you know the rest.

I am so sorry. At that point, all I wanted was to save my sister. You know much of a family girl I was. Despite having to clean up everything she messed up and hating it, I couldn't leave her. That was just the person I was.

Zayn trained me for months and months to a point where I thought my body was about to shut down. I learned how to use gun and how to properly stab someone, which to this day still creeps me out. Harry, I was so afraid. But being around you made everything seem better somehow.

I want you to know that I never ever intended to hurt you nor any of the guys. I would have never gone through with it if I could go back in time, but then again I would have never met you. Looking back at it, I should have told you and the guys the truth, but I was too afraid.

I never wished for this to happen. When I realized that I had fallen for you, I wanted to tell you everything. I loved you so much, despite breaking one of Paul's most important rules. Opening up is one of the hardest things to do for me and you know that.

Everyday in prison, you occurred in my thoughts at least once a day. I miss you so dearly. I miss our lazy days when we were the only one in the house. I miss when you used to laugh at me every time I poked your dimples. I miss waking up to your bright smile and cute morning messages. And most of all I miss having you around. I felt so safe.

Maybe sometime in the future, we'll meet again and we can share our stories. (I felt the need to quote your favorite Kodaline song)

Hopefully.

Love Lydia.