The Wicked Doctor

27: Seasonal Affective Disorder (Revised)

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a mood disorder subset in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year exhibit depressive symptoms at the same time each year, most commonly in winter. Common symptoms include sleeping too much, having little to no energy, and overeating. The condition in the summer can include heightened anxiety. Seasonal mood variations are believed to be related to light. There is evidence that many patients with SAD have a delay in their circadian rhythm, and that bright light treatment corrects these delays which may be responsible for the improvement in patients.

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I can't thank her enough for everything that she did for me when the falling out happened. Siya ang una kong tinawagan nang nalaman ko ang totoo. It turns out pati siya rin ay biktima ng kasinungalingan na ng sarili niyang anak. The whole time, she thought that Terrence and I already broke up before I started my training because he stopped talking about me. She was batshit mad back then that she almost disowned her son due to disappointment.

I remember how she reacted when I asked her.

"Saan po ba ako nagkulang at biglaan naman yatang malalaman ko na lang na may asawa na pala ang anak niyo? Umalis lang ako para sa practicum tapos ganito na?"

"What do you mean by that? You two already broke up last semester di ba, Hija?"

Para akong binuhusan ng isang balde ng yelo sa sinabi niya. Napabagsak na lang ako sa sahig at humagulgol.

But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He must have his reasons, I thought. So I kept quiet. I didn't say anything and pretended everything was normal kahit pa pakiramdam ko ay paulit-ulit akong sinasaksak sa bawat pagkakataon na sinasabi niyang 24-hour shift siya.  I actually knew his schedule dahil sinasabi sa akin ng mommy niya. I told his mom not to tell Terrence anything. Ilang beses niya akong sinabihan na bumitaw na lang dahil sasaktan ko lang ang sarili ko. I just smiled through my tears and told her that I trust her son's decisions at maghihintay akong sabihin niya sa akin ang totoo, kasama na rito ang mga dahilan nito.

"An, please don't do this to yourself. I don't want you to get hurt because you are already my daughter. It breaks my heart seeing you like this." She hugged me and rubbed my back.

"Ma, I'll be fine. Kung hindi ko na kaya, kusa akong bibitaw at kayo ang unang makakaalam. Don't feel sorry for me."

Sa taas ng IQ ko at taas ng mga grades ko sa med school... nagawa niya akong pagmukhaing bobo. I was always within the top three but my brain was blindsided by his actions. Matalino nga, nauto naman. Nothing prepared me for life outside academics.

Whenever I think about it, naaalala ko kung gaano niya akong pinagmukhang tanga sa harapan rin ng mga ibang tao na nag-aakalang kami nga ang magpapakasal.

I felt so betrayed by the one person I thought was worth it, that he was worth risking my heart for. I felt so inadequate. I gave him my heart on a silver platter para lang tapak tapakan niya. Binigay ko ang buong pagkatao ko sa kanya. Minahal ko siya nang buong buo. And the only thing I asked from him was his faithfulness.

Sad to say that he chose to break his promise.

"I love you, girlfriend. The soon-to-be mother of my future children, Dr. Anrie Kaneda. Would you give me the honor of being your husband?"