The Wicked Doctor

15: Dissociative Identity Disorder (Revised)

Dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. Dissociative identity disorder is thought to stem from a combination of factors that may include trauma experienced by the person with the disorder. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism -- the person literally shuts off or dissociates himself from a situation or experience that's too violent, traumatic, or painful to assimilate with his conscious self.

Research indicates that the cause of DID is likely a psychological response to interpersonal and environmental stresses, particularly during early childhood years when emotional neglect or abuse may interfere with personality development. As many as 99% of individuals who develop dissociative disorders have recognized personal histories of recurring, overpowering, and often life-threatening disturbances or traumas at a sensitive developmental stage of childhood (usually before age 6).

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2019

I rarely get days off without disturbances. What usually happens is I spend 72 hours of straight duty then for the rest of the week, I get to rest at home. Kaya lang pag emergency at nasa vicinity lang naman ako, pasusugurin pa rin ako sa ospital.

That has been the routine ever since I started working in the States. I rarely socialize anymore. Kapag nakakauwi ako hindi na ako makalabas dahil nagmamaktol ang anak ko kapag iniiwan ko. Kaya ang ginagawa ko na lang, I squeeze all of the chores, shopping and such bago makauwi galing ng hospital para wala na akong reason na iwanan si Dylan.

Dylan's a good boy but he's very possesive of me. Aawayin niya ang lahat ng lalaking lalapit sa akin, kahit pa bata lang. Minsan tuloy naiisip ko, inutusan yata siya ni  ng asawa ko para wala na silang kaagawsa akin. 

I got off Dylan's hook through my mom. Mama took him to the cereal isle while I snuck off to the laundry needs isle. Ang hirap maggrocery na may kasama kang maliit na bodyguard. Dampot nang dampot ng di kailangan. Buti na lang nakatakas ako at ang cart namin.

It's hard raising a naughty little boy. Masakit sa ulo.

Pero kahit ganoon, I will never regret having him. He was the best thing I ever had. If God would give me the chance to turn back the time and undo all my mistakes, I would never undo them for it led me to having my sweet little Dylan. He was never a mistake. He was the best gift that God ever gave me, a wonderful little boy that reminded me of how much love I could give.

I had him when I was in the States. I was busy with my residency training. I almost gave up my residency so I could have him. Sa aming mga babaeng doktor, madalas nagiging balakid ang pagbubuntis kung hindi pa tapos ang lahat ng training mo or kung hindi mo pa naaabot ang gusto mong lebel ng pagiging propesyonal. The chief suggested that I quit the training to have my baby but declined the suggestion.

I know, hindi maganda. I could've opted to delay my professional growth para maging maayos ang pagpapalaki ko sa anak ko. But can you blame me for it? I now have both of my life long dreams: being a Doctor and being a Mother. I can't bear to sacrifice one of them so I chose to push through with both. I worked while I was pregnant kahit pa sobrang pagtutol ang ginawa ng asawa ko.

"Mommy! I want coco krunch!" he yelled from the end of the isle, jumping up and down. My mom was at  arm's length beside him laughing because of Dylan's hyperactivity. 

Oh what will I do without you, my little man.

I walked with them as we browsed through the isles to look for the things we will need for the week. I love my son but I don't spoil him that much. Raven's the one who always spoils him. Dylan always talks about his Daddy Raven. Daddy this, daddy that. Daddy here, Daddy there. It's too obvious that he misses him a lot.