The Wicked Doctor

13: Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (Revised)

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event - either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

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Contrary to what people might think, I didn't have a rough childhood. It was ok. My family was loaded. My father had a stable job as a government official and had a small business of his own. My mother was a soccer mom running a family business which was started by my grandparents, a stage mom who always stayed by my side whatever endeavor I decided to pursue. I was born and raised in Florida but my mom and I came home to the Philippines when I was six. 

I was a daddy's girl.

Was. Past tense.

All was well until I reached 5th grade.

My dad came home less frequently. Dumadalas na ang paguwi niya nang lasing. Hindi naman sila nag-aaway ni mama noong una. As a child, I wondered what was wrong at kung bakit parang malamig ang pakikitungo ni papa kay mama.

Later on, I overheard my grandmother and my mother talking about my father having a mistress who turns out to be one of our relatives. Kaya pala hindi na kami inuuwian ni papa noon dahil sa ibang kandungan na siya umuuwi. To think that the woman is 8 years my mother's senior! And pinili siya ng papa ko over my mother.

Being the smart kid I was, hindi ako umiimik dahil noong una ay hindi pa ako naniniwala sa lahat ng suspicions nila. I was a daddy's girl. Cut me some slack. My dad was my hero and in my eyes, he could never do wrong. 

Fathers are supposed to be every daughter's male role model, right?

I was the unlucky one who had a father who was a cheater. A traitor. A man who has no balls.

I found out the hard way. I watched them fight when my mother confronted my father about her suspicions and to my dismay, my dad was even proud of it. Inamin niya na nagsasawa na siya kay mama. Na maramot daw si mama at napuno na si papa sa kanya. Na mas gugustuhin na raw niyang sumama sa iba dahil si mama ay hindi kayang intindihin ang pagmamahal niya sa pamilya niya.

 I even saw her slap my mother thrice. My mom did nothing but stare, shell-shocked.

The most shocking thing? My mom knelt and begged my dad to stay for our sake. Nakita ko kung paano magmakaawa si mama kay papa para lang sa ming magkapatid.

For a 9-year old girl, that scene is something that would forever be engraved in her innocent mind.

I was there watching my mother's struggles, watching her martyrdom. I stood behind the door as she cried her heart out, watching her reach out to my father for him not to leave us. I saw her heart breaking in to pieces as he repeatedly said...

"Ayoko na sayo. Iiwan ko na kayo. Tumigil ka na."

I stood motionless but my eyes started the waterworks. Then and there, I lost my faith in men. My young and fragile heart just learned that men are vile creatures to be avoided at all costs. My young heart just had its first rejection. My damn father just rejected me. My father chose someone else over me, his own daughter.

And then he left. My trust towards men also left my system for good.

His leaving scarred me so much that it would affect me for years to come. It would forever haunt me and will never leave me.

But he came back months after when my little brother got sick. He came back and asked for forgiveness. My mom who was so much into piecing back our broken family accepted him with open arms only to be cheated on again, twice with two different women.