Just Me

I'm Kind of a Mess

Shit happens, man.

Bad shit, too.

I've gotta move out of my house by March 1, leave the home I lived in for 11 years behind for someone else to take. Koda's gotta get used to the apartment we're getting and God dammit I'm not ready for that.

I don't have that many friends at school either. It's just me mostly. And I'm constantly reminded how alone I am and how my only friend there had to leave me. It's hard, man. To pretend like you're okay when you have nothing else to preoccupy yourself. To put blame on yourself. To constantly steer that blame into self-loathing and to constantly look at yourself and say "ugh".

But today was a special day. Let me tell you why.

In the morning as I was walking to my first class, I was already sad and on the verge of crying, for the thousandth time. I didn't though. But there was still a weight on me that wouldn't leave.

So, later on as I'm in Spanish class, this guy behind me asks me for a paper and I give it to him. Minutes later he asks for another one and I see that he used the paper I gave him to make some cheap ass paper fan. Mind you, he's one of those kids that doesn't do jack in class and will most likely work a dead end job later in life.

I tell him that I'm not giving him another one and that he shouldn't have used the paper I gave him to do work.

And he calls me a bitch.

Says, "Calm the fuck down, bitch. Damn."

I say, "I'm just telling you that you shouldn't have used the paper on something else other than a flimsy fan."

He keeps insulting me. "Shut the fuck up. Damn it's just fucking paper, bitch. You're getting me mad."

I said, "Well I'm not mad I'm just telling you that you should've used the paper.."

"Well you're getting me mad so shut the fuck up," he said. The class was nearly quiet and almost everyone was looking.

And I went off.

I said FUCK YOU as loud as I possibly could, got out of my desk (practically shoved it) and kept telling him FUCK YOU. "I don't fucking need this," I said. I still asked my teacher if I could use the restroom and as soon as he gave me the pass, I ran. I bolted out of the room and just...idk.

As I write this, I'm in the bathroom. I was previously crying. No one said anything while they heard me, which is kinda okay, I guess.

I also wanted to just hit stuff. But mostly myself. And I'm scared that I would want that. I don't want to go to some therapist and find out that something's not right. I can't have that. I can't put that on my family when they've got enough to deal with.

What sucks is, I have no one to talk to. My friend is gone and her new school gives her so much work that I'm cautious to even text her and interrupt her. She's dealing with her own family too. I don't want to bother my other friends either.

My mom has to find an apartment. Plus, it's hard for me to talk about anything serious with her because, idk, I don't feel close enough with her for that.

My step mom and my dad have to deal with my three other siblings. My step-mom is too antsy now for me to even talk to her and I feel like whatever I say would piss her off. My dad's okay, but he doesn't need my problems.

I can't trust other people either. I can't do anything.

It'd be cool if Koda could talk so I could talk to her. Then again, if she could talk, she'd just say stupid shit because...well...she's a weirdo.

Ugh, I feel like throwing up my lungs.

I just feel like sleeping for a very long time. I'm not implying that I want to die. I just wanna be in my bed, wrapped in my blanket with pillows surrounding me, not having a care in the world. I can trust my bed to deal with my crap.

I'm losing it. Slowly, but surely. I'm scared, but at the same time I'm too tired to give a fuck. I just want things to chill out for once.

That sounded like lyrics to some angsty, indie song. Oh no.

Life is so mother-fucking salty, man.

Whatever.