Just Me

AAHH FÛUCK

AEYYOO WHADDA YA KNOW ITS THAT TIME OF THE YEAR WHERE I GET MY EMOTIONS DICKED WITH AGAIN

IT HAPPENED

AGAIN

THAT ASSHOLE GOT TO ME

AGAIN

FUUUCK

WHY'S HE GOTTA BE SO NICE AND COOL AND SMERT AND SHIT LIKE CAN HE NOT? PLEASE.

If none of you still have no clue about what I'm screaming about: I might have a crush again. On the same guy. That fuCKING PIECE O' SHIET

I DON'T MEAN THAT

HE'S A LOVELY PERSON WHO DOES NOT DESERVE MY ANGRY FRUSTRATION

BUT TODAAAYYYYY WAS NOOOOTTTTTTTT A CHILL DAY

LEMME TELL Y'ALL WHY MY HEART STRINGS WANT TO KILL THEMSELVES

I have yet another end of the day class with this guy again. One of my good friends (I think I can consider myself her friend?) didn't show up today because she got sick (don't die pls). She usually sits between him and I. I sit at the very back (I shouldn't because of my sight but whatever).

I figured if I sat at my own seat, one of the friends that I sit with would tell me to move up since I'd look awkward and be separated from the rest.

Well fuckin, dat boi came in said "waddup" and asked me why I was sitting in my friend's seat. I told him she got sick n stuff. He was like "did you just wanna sit close to me", while he held out his hand for me (I thought he wanted a high five but that was not the case and it turns out he wanted me to hold it) and I was like "I mean, I guess, but one of you all would've asked me to move up anyway."

THIS BOI....HAD THE NERVE TO SAY "yeah, I would've told you to move up" WHILE STILL HOLDING MY GOD DAMN HAND AND I WAS JUST

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

SHIT

I AM PRETTY SURE, I LOOKED LIKE THE MOST AWKWARD AND GIDDY SMOL BEAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS PLANET EARTH

MY EMOTIONS DAMMIT

Before, I was kinda telling myself "Don't fall for him again. Just focus on other things like All-Region (for orchestra) and school. And hobbies. I don't need to do this again. Sure he's single now (I think he is. He said his gf and him broke up over the summer but he could probably get himself another girl if he wanted. Or boy! Idk what he's into.) but I shouldn't let that hang in my mind. Sure my step-mom told me to go in for the kill but I can't because I doNT KNOW IF I AM BEING INCONSIDERATE OF HIS FEELINGS even though he seemed chill about telling me he broke up with his gf bUT STILL. I WILL NOT fall for this again."

Well...

My dumbass fell for iT AGAIN AND I JUST

I CANT

I CANT

HE FUCKIN

HE

THAT LIL SHIT

HE WOULD HOLD MY HANDS BECAUSE THEY WERE COLD AND HIS WERE WARM AND I WAS LIKE "my hands just get cold easily" and AGAHHH

HE INTERTWINED OUR FINGERS

RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY OTHER FRIENDS AND OTHER CLASSMATES WHO I DONT KNOW

AND I SQUEEZED BACK AND AAHAHHHHH

I FELT BAD FOR MY FRIENDS

IT WAS FUCKIN OBVIOUS THAT I WAS GIDDY AS SHIT

OOOOOOOOOO

For a while, I thought, "Ya know, maybe he's just a really friendly guy" to try and help me, idk, not put my feelings out on the middle of a highway to get run over?

Well fuCK ME SIDEWAYS I BECAME PART OF THE ASPHALT

I SAID I WAS DONE

LAST YEAR I WAS FUCKIN DONE

NOPE APPARENTLY NOT

AFTER THE CLASS, I VISITED MY FAV TEACHER AND SHE SAID I WAS GLOWIN AND I

AAAAHAHH

WHY

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME?

I'm pretty sure I'm just overreacting over tiny things. These things don't mean anything. I mean, just looking at myself is enough to be like "yeah, he wouldn't even think once about me".

Oh yeah, and even the last time I had him, which was on Tuesday, it was super fuckin cold in the class so I was dying for another jacket. He gave me a spare from his bag. It was cozy, and big, and (I swear I am not a creep) it actually smelled nice. Like it had some air freshener on it or something, idk. I wore it. I felt nice and warm and happy. S'great.

buT NOT THIS

THIS IS JUST

MMMMMMMMMMM

MY HEART LITERALLY JUMPED WHEN HE HELD MY HANDS YOU HAVE NO IDEA

WE JOKED AROUND

CHATTED ABOUT STUFF

I CHATTED AND HAD SOME GOOD LAUGHS WITH MY FRIENDS

IT WAS A GOOD TIME IN THE CLASS

I WISH MY FRIEND CAME TODAY BECAUSE THINGS WERE NICE

AhHH BUT DAT BOI

HE FUCKED ME UP

Gahhh, but I liked making him smile and talk because I like hearing him talk, and he listened to what I said, and mmmMMMMMMM STOP

STOP IT

I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYMORE

So yeah! Those are my feelings.

I won't lie, I was really happy. Like...maybe way too happy. Idk. Today was a good day though. This whole week has been pretty good. I just don't want to let these feelings cloud anything that could tell me they shouldn't be there. I don't want to be stupid, and I won't. Hopefully this all works out okay again. Last time wasn't all that good, I felt like shit, but maybe this time...I won't feel as bad.

This fuckin' guy, man.

Piece oF SHIT IM TELLING YOU ALL

HE IS A CRUEL CRUEL PERSON

AHHHHHHHHH

BYE