Chapter 37
I always wanted to get out of this life. To escape the tribulations, the adversities... the happiness. However, life keeps on bugging and irritating me. It is like it is playing with me. Whenever I try to get out of this life, it always fail. Whenever I try ending my life, something always shows the reason to live.
I feel so down and I wanted to just stop breathing. I always wanted to run away from everything. I am afraid to be afraid. I am afraid to be sad. I am afraid to be happy.
That is life, it always makes me afraid and nervous. Life makes everything unfair. It is building the walls around me.
Life makes me selfish, too selfish that I just want to die. I don't want to feel the pain they are feeling. I don't want to shed those tears. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be pitiful. I don't want to feel that ugly sensation inside my chest. I don't want to live anymore.
I don't even want to move nor see. Not even talk or hear. I want my senses to vanish. I want my heart to stop beating. I want my brain to stop thinking. I want my system to stop.
So why don't just let me? Why don't just get me? Get me. Get me... please. Get me!
But... I am afraid to disappear too. I am afraid to let go. I am afraid to leave. I am afraid either ways. I am always afraid that's why I am not happy. I am afraid at almost everything. I am afraid to get out or stay. I am afraid to live or die. Neither will make me happy. Nothing can make me happy. So what is really my issue?
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even know what to feel. I can't see the people who are there for me, because I am afraid to see that. I can't hear their "It's gonna be okay." because I am afraid to hear that. I can't talk to them because I am afraid of my own voice. I can't move because I am afraid of anything that might happen. I am afraid to cry because I don't want to know who will give me the cloth to wipe it. I can't be happy because I am afraid of the feeling. I am always afraid.
I don't want to be afraid anymore but...
"Mya!" Natigil ang pakikinig ko nang biglang lumagabog ang pintuan sa rooftop. I was busy looking at Mya's eyes and reading her thoughts.
Zephyr...
"What the hell are you doing?!" Galit na sigaw niya kay Mya. Hindi siya tuluyang lumapit dahil baka tumalon ito.
"Nakapagdesisyon na ako, I want to end this." Umiiyak na sabi nito. Napataas ang kilay ko. She's a coward.
"Mya you are doing something that is not written on the book." Kumalabog ang dibdib ko nang may panibagong boses akong narinig.
Napatago ako nang tumingin si Zephyr sa direksyon ko. Mukhang hindi naman niya ako nakita.
Ion is here and... Why is he here?!
The book, Ion has something to do with it. No. It is impossible! This can't be. I don't love Ion... yet. Napahawak ako sa puso. Why is it beating so fast everytime Ion's around? Why did I like him first? Is he... the one who will kill me?
"Get out and do your work." Mariing utos sa kaniya ng isang pang boses. I can't be wrong, kahit hindi ko siya nakikita at boses niya lang ang naririnig ko. Sanay na sanay na ako sa boses niya tuwing nagtratraining kami.
"Why don't you just let me die? Tapos na ang trabaho ko! I already introduced her to Lian and Jensen." Halos hindi ako nakahinga sa narinig ko. Zephyr, Ion, Dwight, Lian and Jensen... Bakit?
"You are not yet done. We won't let you die. Come here." Utos sa kaniya ni Zephyr.
A tear fell, and another again. Tears kept falling until my vision got blurry.
