Chapter 34
I'm too afraid to move --- or even breathe. Even a single letter makes me shriek. I'm afraid to make mistakes. This world, it is too small for my sins. It will explode if I'll continue making those labyrinth. It is too catastrophic and I don't want to be a part of that catastrophe. I don't want to be rattled. I don't want to do mistakes because I'm afraid of people's perception. They are judging other people, as if they will never do the same mistakes. I'm afraid to speak because I know that they will merely give me negative feed backs, negative thoughts and anything negative.
Everything I'll do will make this world more devastated. Everything I'll do will drown me forever. In that dark place. Everything's hot and it is run by insane people --- evil. No one will tug me. No one will save me. I don't want to fall apart. I don't want to be stuck in that place. Where screams, darkness, and difficulty invade the whole place. In that place that will make me miserable.
I don't wanna be stuck in this body, in this mind and in this life. I always wanted to get out. But I'm afraid of the steps I'll take. I don't want to leave because I know that I can't go back anymore. Every step is horrifying. Everyone is anxious, aghast, and --- I don't know. I'm too afraid to either get out or stay.
Two different ways, two peculiar paths, and two antithetical possibilities.
"Make a floor plan." Naputol bigla ang naririnig ko sa utak ko.
Oo, sa hindi inaasahang pangyayari, I am now able to hear people's thoughts by merely looking at their eyes.
Kanina pa ako nakatitig sa isang kaklase ko. Nalaman ko din ang pangalan niya ng isipin niya iyon. She's Jeil, my classmate. Napatitig ako sa kaniya kanina at nagulat ako ng may narinig ako. It is her inner voice. Her mind.
It's too deep. She's too afraid to be herself. But she's right. Everything she thought is right.
Maingay siya base sa obserbasyon ko, palangiti at hindi mo maiisip na may ganoong klase siyang pag-iisip. She's hiding herself dahil ayaw niyang ipakita kung sino talaga siya.
"Pass that tomorrow." Maraming umangal sa mga kaklase ko. Nangunguna na doon ang dalawang maingay sa tabi ko.
Nang umalis ang teacher namin, tumayo ako. Dwight eyed me, same thing with the two girls beside me.
Nagtataka sila kung bakit ako tumayo.
Nilapitan ko siya. Halata sa kanyang mukha ang labis na pagkagulat. Kumakailan ay nginitian niya din ako.
Hindi ko siya tinignan sa mga, ayokong marinig ang iniisip niya tungkol sakin.
"Anong kailangan mo?" Nakangiti niyang sabi. Tinignan ko siya ng seryoso. Mata sa mata.
Grabe siyang tumingin.
"Why are you so afraid to be you?" Pinanlakihan niya ako ng mata.
Matapos ay umalis na kaagad ako at bumalik sa aking upuan. Tahimik pa din ang buong room namin.
Dumating ang iba naming kaklase sa isang subject. Nagsimula ang ingay ngunit natigil din kaagad ng mapansin ang katahimikan sa room namin.
Napatingin ako sa isang lalaki na nakatingin sa akin.
Ganda niya shit.
Napangisi ako. Nag-iwas naman agad siya ng tingin.
Dumating ang teacher namin sa Algebra. Natahimik na naman. Hindi naman kasi big deal sa mga kaklase ko ang math. Hindi katulad ng nababasa ko sa social pages. Oo nagbabasa ako nun. Isa pa, hindi naman nila kukunin ang kursong ito kung hindi sila magaling doon.
