This part was not written to encourage bashing. Truth is, I wrote this from the perspective of someone who knew she let go of something good. Please try to keep an open mind.
*****
All I needed was a confirmation. Yung ako mismo ang nakakita, yung hindi galing sa ibang tao. Akala ko kasi okay lang. Akala ko okay na. Hindi pa rin pala.
Pagkatapos naming mag-usap, sinundan ko sila. I wanted to see kung ano sila when nobody's looking. Nothing special naman. Nagkukulitan lang pero ginagawa din namin dati ni Alden yun. Siguro may iba lang sa tono ng tawa niya. Mas, pa'no ba, malutong? I wish I could say that I was just imagining things pero nakakapagod na rin kasi mag-deny. Wala naman akong ibang niloloko kundi sarili ko.
I followed them until sa parking area. There, inside the privacy of Alden's car, I saw them kiss.
Masakit. Kahit matagal na, masakit pa rin. I think the pain will always be there.
I had him once eh. Pero pinakawalan ko. Wala naman ibang dapat sisihin. Ako lang.
Totoo, ayaw sa kanya ng mommy ko. Pero sana lang hindi ko pinaramdam kay Alden na ayaw ko rin sa kanya kasi the truth is, gusto ko siya. Mabait siya, thoughtful, maalaga, marespeto. But we chose to look at his deficiencies. Mali ako dun. Maling-mali. And araw-araw, pinanghihinayangan ko lahat yun.
I keep telling people I'm okay. It's what they needed to hear kasi. I try to put up a brave face kahit mahirap. Alam kong I deserve this but there is no sense in constantly trying to castigate myself over what happened. Hindi rin naman babalik si Alden sa akin kahit anong gawin ko. Happy na siya with Maine. Everyone can see that.
I guess I'll forever live with the what if's and what could have been's. I see that every day eh, and people on social media never fails to remind me of what I am missing.
You may call me names-mangga, kasoy, hipon, moon. Kahit ano, sige lang. Masakit. But nothing will ever compare to the pain that I feel everytime I remember what I put Alden through. I keep on saying sorry. He keeps on saying it's okay.
Pero what I did? Hindi okay yun.
Alden may have forgiven me.
But siguro, I will never be able to forgive myself.
Don't you think that's enough punishment for me?
*****
