Chapter Thirty Eight

2K 39 6

by irwindrugs

by irwindrugs

Re-cap....

{"LUKE I'M SORRY OKAY. I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I'm so sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for being a bitch, just please listen. I love you, I always did, and I still do. You probably don't anymore but I just want you to know I do love you. I'm sorry, I wish it was all the way it was before. I'm so sorry.", I said, keeping my tears from streaming. Now all I could do was hope that he would forgive me.

To be continued..}

I stood there in front of Luke. Those words spoke from my heart, I could of said so much more, but my words couldn't speak the rest of the words I was so destined to say. I'm not sure why I wouldn't allow myself to say more, it was like a switch in my brain just told me to stop there, you know? I stood firm, feet planted into the wooden floor beneath me, I could almost feel myself melting into the wooden planks. Our eyes locked in contact for so long, just silence. Not a single heavy breath even let out, neither and word uttered. His eyes just stared into mine for what felt like an eternity. I felt almost as if he was considering my apology. I hope he was. I couldn't live another day without those beautiful brown eyes that stared into mine, he was so beautiful, I couldn't stand it.

"Luke I-", I began, but was instantly shut up as Luke stood up and a pair of soft lips I'd been longing to feel on mine for so long, smashed against mine giving me the butterflies I was so used to, yet lived too long without. I kissed the lips back hard, I wanted this so much. I felt his tongue slip into my mouth, as our lips were fitting together like they should. This was exactly what I missed. Maybe it was right for me to come here. Our lips locked together as I made the most of this moment. It felt like we were the only ones in this entire world. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my body further against his torso. My fingers were wrapped in his curly hair, tangling themselves in his locks. Luke suddenly pulled away, which I'm guessing was to catch a breath. His arms were wrapped around my waist, my face still dangerously close to his own. He eyes locked in contact with mine as his eyes grew wide with guilt. His head jerked away from mine and he let go of my waist. He pulled away with such force and sat down on his bed. I was stunned, he place his hed in his hands and groaned loudly at himself. I looked at him with my eyes wide.

My confusion was surreal. One second he's throwing himself at me and kissing me, not that I'm complaining, but the next second he's mad at himself and pushing me away? I've got to say, that hurt.

"Luke, what's wrong?", I said stepping towards him, but not getting too close. He groaned and removed his head from his hands, now placing them around his lips and cheeks, throwing his eyes up at me.

"What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG? KELSEY I'M SUPPOSED TO HATE YOU AND NOW I COULDN'T FUCKING RESIST MYSELF!", he shouted, loudly. Oh so now I'm a rejection? That hurt. Ouch.

"Then why did you kiss me..", I said, in almost a whisper. I didn't want to anger him at all, he was pissed enough as it was.

"Oh I don't know, ask yourself maybe?", he said, his words dripping with sarcasm, "you know what, all you're fucking doing is messing with my feelings and I don't like it. Leave. NOW!", he shouted, pointing to the door.

"Oh, so I'M the one messing with your feelings? I came here to apologise and fix this and start as friends, if I don't recall correctly, YOU kissed ME.", I shouted. I was pretty proud of that, I stood up for myself infront of the boy I love most.

"LOOK JUST LEAVE KELSEY OK LEAVE NOW, YOU'RE MESSING EVERYTHING UP FOR ME!", he shouted. I took his orders, I didn't want to be a bother anymore so I just left his room. I walked downstairs into the kitchen to hopefully find Jai, which I did. I half-smiled at him and shook my head at him, hoping he would get the signal that I didn't get through to either of them. He gave me a sympathetic hug and kissed my cheek before I left the kitchen. All I got from coming here is mixed feelings.

I walked through the hall and left the house. There went nothing, literally. I came here with nothing, to fix it all, and I leave here with nothing, still wishing I could've fixed it. I don't know what the fuck went on with Luke up there, but at least I've got a clear answer for Beau instead of confusion. It still hurt though, a lot. I walked home, hugging my body.

There, I blew my chances, looks like I've got literally no chance for happiness anymore. I'm so stupid. Worth nothing. Why did I even try? I always knew I'd get no where. Maybe my life was just set up for failure. Maybe God put me on this earth so I could purposely feel what suffering feels like. In my opinion, God took it too fucking far. It's enough to take my boyfriend and the one I love from me, but my friends too?AND put me in a family who don't give a shit about me? Nice job, nice. Tears pricked at my eyes, which I freely let fall, not as if anyone would stop and ask what's wrong anyway, news check, no one cares.

Crying. That seems like the only thing I'm doing anymore. Normal people don't cry everyday, normal people don't lose everyone around them, but I guess I'm not 'normal people'. I walked through my front door after walking home in the mid-dark sky of Melbourne. I shut the door and locked it behind me, and sprinted up to my room. I ran around my room frantically, choosing my decision. Should I? Shouldn't I? How could life be so cruel that I was actually thinking of doing this. I can't take it anymore. I have nothing else to live for anymore, I may as well be a voodoo doll. Destructive. I ran over to my drawer full of colouring pencils, pens, rubbers, sharpeners. I usually used that stuff for school projects, but not today.

I grabbed one of the sharpeners, and unscrewed the screw, freely letting the blade fall from the tightly fit sharpener. The blade was cold against my finger tips. I grabbed it in my hand as I walked into the bathroom, tears streaming down my face, ignoring the blade that dug into the skin of my hand. I looked at myself in the mirror and stared at myself. Ugly. Fat. Slut. That's all i was. I deserved this. I grabbed the blade and slid down the wall of the shower. I grabbed a bottle of pills, thinking over my descision. I uncovered my sleeve from my arm and pressed the blade against my arm, away from my veins. I placed it in the right position against my arm, as I thought of all the people who made me want to do this.

This is for Kylie.

This is for Pandora.

This is for Veronica.

This is for James.

This is for Daniel.

This is for Mom.

This is for Dad.

This is for Beau.

But this one especially, this is for Luke.

For each person I named, I dragged the blade over my skin. The blade dragged against my skin causing mild pain, slitting the skin open, letting blood trickle down my arm. 9 cuts. 9. The blood was warm against my skin, as it ran down my arm, all meeting at my wrist. I felt numb, numb to everything. The feeling I'd been longing to feel. I grabbed the bottle of pills and stared at them. No. I wasn't ready to give up completely so quick.

I picked myself up and put the pills back, and wrapped a bandage around my fresh wounds. I cleaned up the excess blood lying on the floor, and left the bathroom to my room. I lay in my bed and stared at the ceiling, and let tiny tears trickle down my cheeks. Funny, how people, and life can be so cruel to you that you take it to this point, and trust me, this point isn't where you wanna be. I closed my eyes and stopped the tears from flowing. It's strange, how such a perfect moment can go to such a shit ending. Here goes the start to an awful life.

------------------------------------

I'M SO SORRY FOR DOING THIS TO KELSEY, SORRY BUT I CRIED WRITING THIS OK THANK YOU FOR THE READS ILYSM! IF THIS GETS 5.2K ILL UPDATE!!!!!!!