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*Kelsey's POV*
It was Monday again, and Monday means school. Luckily, my parents aren't home, so I simply called my mom and told her I was 'sick' to get out of school that I was dreading. It wasn't a day when you fake sick because you want to have a day to play on your computer or go to town etc, it really wasn't. I wasn't that type of person, well, I used to be that type of person. But really, I faked sick today because it was one of those days you felt like you didn't even want to live. I felt like I didn't even have the energy to pick myself up out of my bed. That's how I felt. Maybe it was just the thought of facing everyone in school, but I really just didn't want to even move, I felt that awful.
Anyway, seeing as I had the day off, even after school break, I had the house to myself, but I didn't plan on throwing a party, I could do that whenever I wanted anyway. My parents are never even home. But today I just planned on lying in bed, checking my social networking sites, to check if someone had said something nice and try to help me for once, instead of typing things like 'slut' or something and making me fall even further into this black hole that was sucking me and my entire life into. This black hole was called depression. That didn't phase me though, I knew what was happening to me, but I also knew I couldnt stop it. I can't stop this 'black hole' taking over my life, it was barely even anything I could cause. Everyone around me, every little thing that anyone could possibly do, or even just as the days went on, the long hours, the loneliness, it all caused me to fall in just that little bit further, and each time I fell in a little more, was a little further it would take me to get out. But I've fallen in too far, much too far. Too many little things have caused me to fall in. Too far to be saved, but it would just take the right person to help me from it all.
I stared up at the ceiling, and thought about my future. What would my future be like? I didn't actually know what I would do once I left high school, I didn't even know what I wanted to be. I chose my exam choices purely out of what I was good at, not what I liked. Which is odd, because I wasn't really that good at anything in school. I was just an average student. I got average marks, but to even get more than 70% in tests, I had to study like a freaking nerd, and I still barely got near 80%.
I wondered so hard about this, I really didn't know. Maybe I could be a teacher for kids or something, but children irritated me a lot, when they run about and scream, it just pissed me off a lot. I thought it really was a little strange that basically everyone in my year knew what they would possibly be in the near future, or even just had a little idea, you know? But I didn't even have any clue. How shit was that. Maybe I won't even make it to my future. Probably won't, with as bad this 'black hole' is bringing me to. Did I just suggest that I would die of suicide? Woah, that's a little bit..strange that I really thought about that. I never thought about this stuff as a kid. When I was a kid I always thought I was going to grow up, find a husband, and grow old together, and die with each other.
But this, this was nothing I ever imagined. Now that I think about it, I probably will end my life with suicide, maybe, I'm not sure. I really don't know actually. I have this blind hope that I won't, I honestly have this tiny shred of hope that I will get through all of this, I will have a happy life in the end. Enough of this, this is too far, it's taking over my life. But I guess that's what this 'black hole' does.
I was still pretty confused about this Luke thing, but I didn't care, I'd lost all sense to care anymore. I decided to pick up my book, my favourite actually, 'The Fault In Our Stars', by John Green. It was my favourite book so far anyway, maybe because it was the last book I had read. I was reading the chapter where Augustus calls Hazel and asks her to help him out at the gas station, and she finds him there, covered in his own sick (due to his cancer) and she had to try and help him with his G-tube, but ended up having to get the ambulance. It was a short chapter, but it definitely broke my heart in two. I loved Augustus, and I felt like she was losing him bit by bit. A little like how I was losing Luke. Except, he didn't have cancer. I was supposed to appear as Augustus, sick, and losing myself to a disease. His disease was cancer, mine is depression. Hazel is losing Augustus, because his cancer is terminal, and she knows one day he's going to die. Luke is losing me, because to depression, comes suicide, and I know one day I'm going to die. So really, this reflected everything a little.
I closed my book after wiping away a tear that pricked my eye. Yes, Augustus' sickness brought tears to my eyes, like I said, I really loved Augustus. However, I'd read this book many times before, I knew exactly how it ended, but I still persisted on reading it because it really hit home, and it was always a book I had been curious about. If anyone has read it, they will know that Peter Van Houten left his book 'An Imperial Affliction' almost, unfinished. Which left Hazel and Augustus completely and utterly curious.
John Green left me extremely curious of his book. What happened to Hazel once Augustus passed? Did she find a new boy, and did she live long? What about Isaac, did he ever get that call back from his ex-girlfriend? These questions left me dumb-founded, and I was so desperate to find these out. But I couldn't possibly, unless I did exactly what Hazel did in the book. I wouldn't want to 'copy' her in anyway, especially to John Green. I put my book away and grabbed my laptop. I logged onto twitter, and scrolled down my timeline. Again, the tweets to the boys. Obviously. I clicked onto my mentions, which by the way, had finally died down from the hate. I actually got a little sympathy from the fans. Well, fans telling other fans not to hate on me. Yet they still pointed out I had done wrong. Like I didn't know that.
After a quick check on twitter, I went onto facebook. I logged in and found many notifications. A lot from people saying I'm a bitch, but it didn't really bother me much anymore, I already knew I was bad, I didn't need them telling me again. I had not one message or notification telling me they were there for me, nothing. I wasn't suprised, I just hoped people would actually care anyway, but they didn't.
I shut my laptop down, I wasn't in the mood to dwell in self hatred. I put my laptop away, so I decided to go to sleep, and fade into a dream about my own twisted version of 'The Fault In Our Stars'. My own version as in, I was Hazel-Grace, but instead of Peter Van Houten, it was John Green, and instead of Augustus Waters, it was Luke. Basically from my perspective. I closed my eyes, and began to fall asl-
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Like the ending huh?thats her falling asleep if you didn't get it. I reccommend you read The Fault In Our Stars. It's amazing really. 7K FOR UPDATE.
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lost in confusion ↣ luke brooks/beau brooks
Fanfiction"one girl. one diary. two boys."
