Incurable (BoyxMan)

Chapter 37: He's like the devil.

+Nikita+

I walked with the feather light of Amos for direction of where we are going. His hand was still on my lower back. I didn't know where we were going but Amos was walking like a man on a mission.

I turned back to Isaac to see him smirking at me and giving me a wave.

I was really confused. Why was Amos being like this? Did he think that my new friend was bad or that I was bad for him? Did he think that I was bothering Isaac?

All these questions whirled in my brain.

Then something popped in my head but before I can start hoping the voice in my head squashed the idea.

He surely couldn't be jealous could he?

No he can't, have you seen yourself? Because let me break it to ya- You aren't pretty or handsome like the half of the people he dated before.

I shook my head to shake the comment but it only came back and this time with a vengeance.

Who am I kidding; all of his exes are probably gorgeous and thin. Not one of them has that pudge at their stomach, not one has the fat around their thighs that you have and no one has that gargoyle thing you call a face. Even the rose in your neck looks like a ink spot and it sure as hell not because it needs a touch up.

I kept blocking out the comments but the burn in my eyes told me that I wasn't doing a good job with it.

I stopped walking and clenched my eyes shut until I could see the firework of colors. I started to wring my hands together.

I can remember my 3rd grade teacher telling me: "If you ever feel overwhelmed or need a distraction from all the voices. List everything you can remember- if that doesn't help; List every book you read in the world- if that doesn't help; List the amount of time you were naughty today- if that doesn't help; List the amount of time you spent doing nothing-if that doesn't help; List all the times the voices disturbed you-if that doesn't help; List anything you can. Just do something to occupy your brain and your hands because if your voices see you're succumbing to them, it's a done deal"

Me being so young- I couldn't understand what she meant and I asked her what she meant. She just said, "You don't need to understand anything just remember what I say. Now, Miss has to go so you go and play."

She told me this after the group of kids bullied me again. It was a normal recurrence for the kids in our class so they don't even drum together anymore. They just give us one sidelong glance and go on with whatever they were doing.

The teacher knew of it but the student teacher was the one who addressed the situation. It would happen in class when the teachers would turn her back towards the board.

It wasn't even big things they did. It was small things such as how they refused to play with me at break or when the teacher gives us a group art project they all make their groups, leaving me to fend for myself and it was usually then that I was alone.

I automatically block out anything other than my voice in my head. I list every Harry Potter actor and their character in alphabetical order. I only can remember a few so when I still feel overwhelmed I start listing every book with their author.

It was a big amount of books so when I start getting sidetracked- I start listing everything I did today.

That only spurred on the panic attack because this morning I can remember standing before the mirror and judging myself, pinching my stomach fat while standing naked in the bathroom.

I heaved in breaths of air but I couldn't concentrate on that.

You have to list the things on your hands.