To Kill Gods or Die Trying

♒Chapter 55-Dead Life♒

I gasp for air! Where am I! Whoa! I wheeze in and out of my mouth. I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

The last thing I remember is literally dying...

How is it that I'm alive? No power of love or movie magic my ass I'm invincible.

"Hello?" I yell. I can't see, even with my eyes open. I'm blind. I can't tell if this is Mythos or the real world. Am I in a hospital or in my bed back in the guild house.

"Hello?" I yell loudly.

"Ben?" someone asks.

"Who's there! Who's speaking! What is this?" I ask frantically.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down Ben it's me, Scotty."

"Scotty! Scotty... what happened back there?" I ask. Forget my blindness, I need to be up to date.

"Ben... you're not going to like what I'm about to tell you," he warns.

"I'm OK, don't worry," I assure.

Scotty sighs. "Sagittarius killed most of everyone. The number of people who survived didn't even go into triple digits. All of the Paladins died."

There's no way Alo died though. He can't mean all.

"Ben, I can't tell you this in a way that will make it better, but-."

No. Alo always survives.

"Alo is gone."

No.

"When the place got carpet-bombed, all of the Paladins did a Life Steal spell, then they all did a Life for Life spell. The Whisperers and Wizards soon finished it off. They all died and saved us. I'm sorry to tell you this," Scotty says grimly.

Alo gone? They seem like just words. Incomprehensible ones. Alo dead? My gaming rival and close friend. Alo is a brother to me. Was a brother to me? This all seems surreal.

My vision begins to return.

"What about the others who were saved?" I ask.

"You've been out for about five months. Same with the other people saved. The effects of bringing you us back to life differ. I got out a week ago. Some people are still out. Everyone from the group is awake," Scotty says.

What! Five months... that's insane. I pause.

"Did you see Alo. When, he... well, you know?" I ask.

"He was not far from me. Had this big grin on his face. That's all I saw before one of those explosive arrows hit me right in the back," Scotty replies.

I smile in despair. Sounds exactly like the selfish bastard. Always making sure everyone around him is OK before taking care of himself.

"And the campaign?" I ask.

"Essej succeeded you. He, Cece, Rachel, Sess, and Havanna were fine. Everyone else woke a while back like I said. He went ahead, reorganized the army, went out of order to Pisces' layer instead of Capricorn's, and killed it with about 40 something casualties. It was an extremely easy boss according to them, but it took place in the water."

I grin somberly. Good old Essej. I know I can count on the second in command to finish the job.

I need to get my shit together. The least I can do for my dead ally is continue what I was doing, and finish this all to avenge his and all of the Paladins' deaths. Alo would want us to keep fighting.

It's like the most selfless are the ones who die. D-pop, the people who die every god raid we do, and now Alo. It's a shitty world but that's why we're here. Because of them.

"Ben," Scotty says. He catches me by surprise in my thoughts and I look at him like a deer in headlights.

"We're gonna need you now more than ever. Essej says he doesn't want to command anymore," Scotty says.

I can only imagine. At the end of the day, you, the leader, are the one who gets your men and women killed, whether it's one or all. At the end of the day, the leader carries those deaths with him, keeping in mind that their good intentions caused grief for a family. No matter what you do differently, people will still die. That's just how it is. And that's, well, is shitty.

There's a reason why I never learned the names of the 20 other people fighting with my group in the demigod campaign. There's a reason why I don't talk to anyone but my friends. There's a reason why all these years, I've distanced myself from every player, despite the hypocrisy of telling them to get to know one another. If I got to know each and every man and woman, like I did Alo—even just their names or faces—I would be broken. Hell, I already am broken, but my friends are different from the players who follow me blindly because they dare have their own dreams and don't depend on me, God forbid my ego lets me depend on them. They are my equals—true friends. Their deaths would break me, but make me stronger because I know they died for what they believed in, and that's what motivates me—the fact that we're here for each other, for whatever reason we're doing this—not a bunch of scared people looking up to me like a messiah.

Death count is something I don't take lightly. Human life is valuable. Every fight has me more and more psychologically defeated, and occupies everything in my mind. I can't even think about getting back to my family at night because I feel so guilty that someone won't be getting to theirs. 1,021 someones to be precise. Alo would want me to be strong.

"Ben," Scotty says again.

"Sorry," I say. I'm spacing out on the kid. I swing my arm to the edge of the bed to push my body to sit. I push up, stand up, then collapse on the ground.

Scotty helps my limp body back into the bed. "What the hell is wrong with me?" I ask.

"Coma within a coma. You died, remember? You'll get your full bodily control within an hour or so," Scotty replies.

"Don't tell the others I'm awake. I need the hour to mourn," I say.

Scotty nods and leaves.

The door closes and I smother myself with my pillow as I scream. I scream and scream and thrash around in the bed until my throat is sore. No tears. I'm all out. I've been out.

I sigh deeply.