Write it Down so I Don't Forget

Flashback to October 22nd-24th

It was Monday and in the days leading up I had decided I was going to tell Kane how I felt, because in my experience after telling someone I liked them and then being rejected help me get over the crush, which is what I hoped to do. I like to call the four of us my calculus friend group because we met in calc and are friends..... Duh. Anyway on Saturday we hung out till midnight at my house as usual, talking laughing, and playing our made up card game, Riskuto. Don't ask.... Before heading to my house we went to the park where I arrived first as usual. I got out of my car and walked over to these things I remember loving to play on when I was younger. They were these swivel bars, they spun around and made you dizzy like never before, it was great. So I play on it until I see Kane arrive I wait for him to spot me but before that happens he texts me asking where I was and I hop off and walk toward him. When he sees me I do an extreme shrug, the kind of shrug that says "I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on", my hands were above my head and I shrunk my body, he returned and we laughed. We went back to the swivel bars and played on those for a bit, he got off and acted as if he hadn't just spun a million times. As for me I couldn't stop it I was laughing too much, he had to stop it for me. When I got off I had to sit down and realign myself with earth. He just paused and chuckled at me. We chat about how we both loves kids for a bit and how we both like to play like children. He is really the only friend of mine that gets being mature but also acting super immature at times. I promptly stood up and walked over to the toddler area. I made a few jokes about how this area was built for me because I'm so short, he laughed. I love making people laugh, it makes me feel good to know I'm not the only one who thinks I'm funny. He walks over to this balance beam type thing and attempts to show off and I smile cause I think it's his way of trying to impress me when really he just has a big ego, but also doesn't because he is extremely insecure and I see that. Me being me I have to one up him and jump from one part to the next on the balance beam. Our relationship involves a lot of one upping. Mostly because neither of us like to show our insecurities to those around us. We stop for a moment and see a Ken doll sitting on the bench we laugh and ask each other back and forth, why is it there!?! Claire and Erin arrive and spot us they start taking pictures, obviously they know how I feel. I make the "I'm going to kill you later face" and take Claire's phone. Of course Kane has no idea and is still playing with the doll. I tell him to put it down, laughing. He replies by sighing and sets it down. He is such a dork. We go over to the swings and I sit in one that secures you in, it kind of looks like one of those things you carry babies in. They all laugh and Claire tells me to stop while laughing because she is the mom in our group. We swing for a bit then Claire gets up and walks over to a table and says she wants to play Riskuto, our game. I get out the cards and we start playing however it's not as much fun with a cement table.... I pack up the cards and as Kane looks at the ground us girls make a break for it trying to be quiet and failing miserably. Claire likes to ditch Kane so she can ask me about what happens when we're alone, she is so obvious about it at times, but I love her. We decide to go to target because the park will be closing soon. Claire brought Erin and Kane and I parked near each other. We go to our respective cars Kane and I talking during our walk. About nothing really, just whatever pops up in our mind. Then I hear the sound of a picture being taken and turn around to see Claire and Erin taking more pictures! Gotta love 'em. Claire screams and run off and Kane just stands there really confused. I chuckle shaking my head and get in my car telling him I'll see him there. I start driving toward the target and Kane is right behind me, I see him pull out of the park as well. At the light I look in my rearview and we make eye contact he waves but looks as if he is thinking really hard. I turn while he goes straight and park in front of the target. I walk inside thinking Claire and Erin are already there since they left first. I wait by the doors and see him walking up. We say hi again and wait for Claire and Erin in somewhat of an awkward silence. Kane hates silence so breaks it to question what a Starbucks sign says, he assumes it's in Latin.
I reply with "didn't you take Latin, you should know." I says in a somewhat sassy tone, but teasingly. He nods and pulls out his phone to google translate. That leads us into a conversation about languages and I start signing for him because I took American Sign Language the past three years. Claire calls me and tells me that Kane and I have to "find" them. She gives me a riddle that I interrupt accidentally and don't hear the rest. I ask her to repeat it but she says no and hangs up. I sigh and say I'm just going to look for what I came for, tea bags. We start heading toward the grocery aisles and we talk about Star Wars because we pass light sabers on our way to the food. We are both Star Wars enthusiasts and could nerd out all day about it. Most of the time we just click, it's so natural because we are so similar, that's a big reason why I like him. I'll admit he isn't like the hottest guy in school or the most popular but he has my heart and stomach doing summer salts. We walk to the coffee aisle assuming that's where tea would be because that is the only thing that makes sense but we don't find it. We continue to look high and low with no luck. He excuses himself to the bathroom and I continue looking I ask an employee but they aren't sure about the aisle they tell me. I go and look with zero luck again. Kane finds me and we start talking again, this time about how we are the last people to be getting drunk and partying all the time. I find the same employee and ask him to show me where the tea is, he escorts us to the place but the tea my mom wanted isn't there unfortunately. Claire calls again complaining about how we didn't find them and how we apparently looked right at them. I tell her honestly that I didn't see them. Kane claims as well to not seeing them. I tell her to head to my house because there was no luck with the tea bags. She agrees and we head out to our cars. I get out of target and realize I'm behind Kane now. I drive home and see Kane already there leaning against my mom's truck like he is so cool. I rolls my eyes smiling as I park. He comments about my "amusing parking job" and I claim that I've never been good at parking, which is the truth. We go inside and wait for Claire and Erin, we sit in an awkward silence for a while before they finally get here. What a relief because we were sitting in my house in complete silence. We have our very awkward moments where neither of us talk or have those great moments where we can't stop talking. There is no in between. We all talk and have fun until 12 when we decide to go outside and watch the stars. Us girls take a walk around the block and talk while Kane waits on the side walk across from my house. When we meet up again we all sit in a circle. Kane makes a comment about how late at night/ early in the morning is the best time to get people to confess things. I found this slightly weird that this is how he'd start the conversation. We start playing the word association game. He gives us a word and we say the first thing that pops into our head. We laugh like we're drunk and say things like we're high. Anyone watching us would think we were absolutely crazy. But it was fun. He said each of our names and we all said something that we associate with that person. When he said his name I had to think which isn't the point were supposed to say what immediately comes to mind but I couldn't do that because I'd embarrass myself so I end up saying annoying, good one right. Then I say I want to be the announcer and they can play. I say my name and he does what I do he had to think for a solid minute before answering. Kind of weird right? Did he have the same problem? Did he like me back? Could he not say what he thought of first because it would make things weird? All these questions go through me head. But of course we continue as if nothing was wrong. We stop playing word association and and start a story each of us saying one word. He starts by saying there and we continue the story. After a few rounds he starts saying our names. When mine comes up Claire says likes because she is annoying. I say no one and fail at being inconspicuous. It goes over his head thank goodness and we continue like that until one in the morning. They decide it's time to go home so they do. I call up my other friends because I was so buzzed from hanging out with him quite a bit today, just the two of us. I can't sleep as usual after we all hang out. Fast forward to Monday when I decide I need to tell him sooner than Tuesday the original day I was going to tell him. I stay after to help my friend with the school literary magazine and a group of us are eating and playing around as we read scary stories students sent in for a competition. On a whim I tell the six other girls that I'm going to text my crush and tell him I like him. Most of them know who he is so they all get excited with me. I send him a paragraph about how I hate crushes and how I'm not asking for a date. I just needed to get it off my chest. A few hours later I'm doing homework using my phone and he replies, my heart stops and I say F**k it I'm reading it. The gist of it was that he wasn't ready for another relationship since he has gotten out of a 9 month relationship and how he didn't want to complicate our friendship. I totally understood and said we were cool. Then we started talking about how much crushes suck. He thanked me for telling him. He was so sweet about the whole thing and the next day wasn't as awkward as I anticipated.