Write it Down so I Don't Forget

Preparing for Thanksgiving

Today I'm going to clean the house to prepare for our guests on Thursday. I actually love cleaning the house, because a.) I like cleanliness and b.) it's soothing. I have a task and I can't think about anything beside cleaning. However I can't clean unless I'm completely and totally alone, I'm not side why but I need to the house to be empty to clean it. I love to blare music while I clean so that's one reason but the other is I like to sing and dance so if not like people to see me make a fool of myself. When my mom gets him I'm going to have her cut my hair, I'm super excited because I always feel great after getting my hair cut, it's refreshing and I feel like I can start over.
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Cleaned the house then my mom and I went to the grocery store where we were super lost because we went to a different one. Then we went to a little store where we were having lots of fun laughing and doing stupid stuff because my mom and I are friends and we have a good relationship. However there are those moments where I want to jump out of the car than ride in it with her. Driving home was one of these moments. So we go to McDonalds for fries and I get a peppermint hot chocolate and large fries. She sees that is was three dollars, which really isn't that much, and she starts saying that I take advantage of her, and I'm like did you not look at the price when I asked if I could get it?!? Then she brings up how yesterday I got 9$ worth of Chinese food as opposed to my friend's 5$, I got a drink and more food than her. She goes off on a tangent about how I don't want to deprive myself of things, in this case food, and how I over indulge. Eventually she made it about my weight, which really isn't bad, I'm 110 lbs. She always says 10 pounds too much. What she doesn't know is that some days I starve myself.... I've never told anyone that, some days when I feel extra bad about myself I don't eat. I'll go to bed with an empty stomach and feel sick the next day. It's usually during the week when she wouldn't be able to notice that I'm not eating so it goes unnoticed which I don't mind because I know she'll make me eat. Some days yes I eat more than I should, to make up for the days I didn't eat. She always comments on how I'm not going to like it when I'm "fat" who gives a shit!? I know when I won't be happy, and when I'm not I'll do things to change it but right now I'm young and I'm okay with eating like shit, honestly I rarely eat fast food, or eat period. Occasionally I'll have a snack to sustain myself but some days I say eff it and eat a lot, those are the only days se notices, what about the rest of the days?? The conversations I hate with my mom are those about the future and weight, the two things I hate the most, she brings them both up a lot lately. *sigh* I'm over it, honestly don't care.
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On the less depressing side of things, I finished my essays for college finally and now all I have to do is submit the applications! Yay! Finally my mom can stop nagging me to finish them. Love her and all but sometimes I can't stand it when she starts up about college and my future. She'll say things like "do you not want to go to college? Do you want to go to community college? " blah blah blah, I'm getting it done, slowly but I'm getting it done. I need to work at my own pace, don't rush me!
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You know what I do a lot of? Sleeping. I sleep a lot, and I know why. Because sleeping is better than real life, I get to dream and everything I wish would happen in my wake life happens. I go to bed early to dream, I sleep in to continue to dream. It's not exactly a problem but it's concerning that I enjoy sleeping so much. Is it? It's is bad to never want to wake up? Not because I'm tired or need kore sleep but because I don't want to deal with things. Sleeping is way better than life. It's 8 and all I want to do is go to sleep..... It's so flipping early!!! But I want to sleep!! And dream and not deal with life! I might just go to bed because I feel like it. I also tend to sleep more when I'm stressed or depressed, but I feel like that's everyone. I'm mildly hurting right now. Impending stress about school and about relationships and about my image. I can feel my worries begin to crush my soul. I haven't had my problems beat me down in a while, I guess it's about time they do... LIFE.