Write it Down so I Don't Forget

Life.

Sometimes I can't wait to be done with high school, but other times I hope to never leave. Life is way easier in high school. All people ever talk about is college and getting accepted, it's hard to talk about when you can't do a freaking thing right and not get into either of your top schools. It's hard when you're lying to everyone about how high your rank is or how well you did on the SAT. It freaking sucks when you aren't able to celebrate with everyone else about getting out of high school. If only I could stay in high school and my biggest worry be who I'm going to ask to prom. I fill my head with thoughts of a boyfriend/ significant other to mask the real problems. So I don't have to think about what a monumental screw up I am. I can dream and pretend to be lovestruck so I don't have to deal with crap. I've waited until the very last minute to apply and to start my future, well it's here and I've screwed myself over. All I hear from friends is "I got accepted to all my schools" well congrats I got into none! I don't want to fucking deal so tomorrow I'm going to hangout with my friends during senior activity day and act as if I'm going to college next year at a great school like everyone else and be worry free. Ignore my problems that's my motto.
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Instead I shall talk about Zane. He's so freaking adorable and lately we've been talking more like friends. He's nice, I really underestimated him, he's actually fairly smart and has aspirations. I like him. I really do. I feel like dropping by where he works randomly, only problem is that I hate the restaurant he works at.... I'll probably make Erin go with me and blame my being there in her. I texted him asking him a questions the other day about calculus. Wasn't an interesting conversation but he did reply and explained it to me. In class I'll pretend he's super annoying and a pain in my ass but in reality I love talking to him and reading him. Ugh crushes....
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Claire and I have this running joke that Kane and I are now dating. lol we're comfortable so it's just a joke. I keep texting him saying "Date?". It's great, today he replied with "sorry stats quiz" and "If you're being serious, then text is not the place to do it " lol. I like that we're close enough and comfortable enough that my past crush on him now is just a joke between us all. We talk about it openly and joke. I see him as a best friend now rather than a crush.
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Lately I've been wanting to get away from my mom, I love her an all but I've been telling Claire all my secrets and things no one really knows about me and I've realized a lot. Like the reason I don't eat some days is because of my mom telling me that I'm going to get fat. Or pointing out my food baby. I just haven't been wanting to be around her. Yesterday I purposefully didn't get home until around 8 because I didn't want to have a conversations with her. I've done it before but lately it's been worse. I've been dreading coming home. Today I tried getting out of coming home but my friends were busy and I didn't want to sit somewhere alone so instead I'm in my room writing it all down. So yeah that's where I'm at in life. Pretty much hating it except for my friends. Outside of them I pretty much hate everything....... so yeah. Life sucks. I don't want to deal but I have to.