Write it Down so I Don't Forget

He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not

Woke up and read Kane and i's old conversations and wrote them all down cause they're mildly cute.
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After having lunch and calculus with Kane I kind of think he likes me... I mean it might be me just seeing what I want but idk. Whenever I look in his direction he looks at me and his looks seem to linger a bit. Idk he seemed to be more interested today. I hope so anyway. Okay so like we are going to study at Starbucks and Erin was asking this guy John that would have been in our calc group if he would show up at our get together a cause we always invite him but anyway. Rein was like our table only holds four people and I was like nah it's fine Kane isn't going (earlier he said he had stuff after school) and he cuts in a bit and is like wait well how long are we going to go for? And I reply like an hour and he is like oh yeah I can go for an hour. Idk seemed a bit weird...
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Okay enough boy talk now onto Rachel. So today she was like we're prob not going to talk after this year and I mean I know that and all but she didn't have to be so blunt. I'm blunt but I also am not going to say "oh I'm not talking to you after this year" and crap like that... So it really showed me how much she doesn't value our friendship but it's whatever... Today she was so salty about me not eating lunch with her and Natalie... I mean sorry but I like hanging out with the calc group and I have other friends is that so bad? I've really only ever had Rachel until this year and I'm trying to branch out. I need to become more independent and she should understand rather than being salty about it. Like we still hang out and we still talk everyday. It's not like I'm avoiding her or have cut all ties. Not to sound awful but another reason i sit with the calc group and not Rachel is because of Kane. I don't just hang out with them to get close to him obviously. I enjoy hanging out with them we have a lot of fun and yes I do like him but that isn't my motivation for eating lunch with them. But truth be told he does make me happy. He makes me laugh and is super sweet. I was in a really bad mood Friday and I got instantly happier during lunch, after seeing him. Idk he makes me happy and being his friend is the closest I'm going to get an that's enough for me, so I'm going to take what I can get. She knows I like him and she knows we both know we probably aren't going to talk after this year. The calc group is all going to the same school (hopefully) and I'd like to have friends when I get to college. I have no idea but I do think she should be salty when she isn't going to try to stay in touch after this year. If she thinks that we're going to grow apart then why shouldn't we start now? That sounds awful but truly, like no I'm not going to continue to be a good friend to someone when she can't accept that I have other friends. Sometimes she angers me! Anyway don't with trashing my friend.
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I want to tell him again and I guess like refresh his memory that I like him because it's been a while since I told him last.... That was October and it's December now.... Idk though... Maybe I'll get him a present and in the card I'll tell him 😂😂 idk... Claire and I were talking during lunch and she told me that she was shipping us when we had our dihydrogen monoxide chat in the grext lol. I've been trying to look for the gleam the Internet told me about but I don't know what it looks like... Ughhhh boys suck and feelings are stupid why must we have them!!! I just realized he kept pointing at me when emphasizing things today. My head is so random...
I hate APES! My teacher sucks and I've learned absolutely nothing! I have to wake up at 4:30 in the damn morning to finish the report!! I honestly have no idea what the point of the project was so I'm going to bs everything. I've noticed that Kane has started cussing more and he used to not... I've been cussing pre lately when I was trying to stop so I'm going to get back to that. I don't find it as appealing or necessary anymore. The occasional but not so excessively. I got called easy today multiple times and so did Kane lol, even though neither of us have even gotten close, I've done nothing and I think the most he's done is kiss. Ohhh! Shit! I just remember something (so much for the non cussing me) he said something today that was kinda suspicious.... He was like I'm not sure if I ever even liked (his first girlfriend's name), I'm thinking now it was just because I was lonely and had no one else. And I'm like wait!? Does this mean you are having feelings for someone else (hopefully me) and you're realizing what extreme like really feels like!? ( I don't like to use the word love Willy nilly because I think it's more important than to use it for a crush...) that would be so flipping cute if that's what was happening! Even though it's probably not... ☹️ After I got out of the shower I was thinking if I had a friend that liked one of our mutual friends I'd totally try to hook them up. I wish I had a friend like me 😂 that sounded so conceited. Anyway I need sleep if I'm going to wake up early. Good night!