Write it Down so I Don't Forget

Fighting with friends

I had a weird ass dream.... I'm not even going to write it down cause it was bizarre af... Anyway just remembered something Rachel said that pissed me off and made me sad.... So in forensics we don't get a long very well, not sure why but we don't it's weird because on our way to we cold be laughing and having a grand old time but then once we walk through the door everything changes and we argue and there is a shit load of tension for some reason... Idk why. But anyway this happened yesterday when we were doing a lab and she basically said I was a bad friend. Which idk about you but that really fucking hurts when your best friend says that about you.... So I'm like I'm a great friend and she looks at me like "mhm yeah right." I just stop talking because that's hurtful af. Like why does she say things like that all of a sudden??!? Cause I won't flipping sit with her at lunch? There are other people she talks to and has a fun time with. Then when I do sit with them I get called a traitor and shit. After I see her after lunch on days I don't sit with them she bring things up from lunch and be like "oh right you weren't there" blah blah blah shit like that. And frankly I'm kind of done with it, maybe that's why I choose to sit with the calculus group more often... And also I've been thinking a lot about how much I've changed and how I've gotten rid of so much negative energy and I feel like she is a part of that... I love Rachel and she is my friend but there are times where I second guess our friendship.... Idk.... I'm just spit balling. But when she says I'm not a good friend how am I supposed to feel when I always drop whatever I'm going through and doing to be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on. I feel like I don't have anyone that would do that for me to be honest... That's why I'm writing this is to relieve the suppressed feelings. Like Ophelia in Hamlet, I relate to her a bit, or at least what I think Shakespeare is trying to portray through her. I feel like her father dying was just the icing on the cake. All her surprised feeling just came out and she is crazy because everyone is focused on hamlet and what's going on with him, they over look her. Try don't notice that she is just as tortured and depressed as he, she just hid it longer. She is a teenager too, going through similar things in life but she seems so innocent and carefree that they don't notice her demons. I think that's why she killed herself and I do think she drowned herself on purpose. It wasn't an accident she was tired. The scene before her death told us exactly what she was thinking. She knew what was happening she isn't as innocent as everyone had thought and she herself was hurting, not only because her father died. In Hamlet I am Ophelia.
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So I have a dentist appointment and my other mom (the one I don't live with that I don't see all that often) and she sees my childhood best friend's mom and they start talking and I walk up awkwardly because ew socializing. My mom wanted to wait to see my old best friend and I'm like ugh nooo I haven't talked to her in like 5 years! She has changed a lot and hangs out with the wrong crowd a bit and noooo were so different now. My other mother (what I call her even though she isn't really a parent period) holds onto the dang past too much she still calls her my best friend even though we haven't been best friends since like 6th grade maybe even longer ago than that. Thank goodness she took a while to get out I didn't have to talk to her. Worst part is that my other mother made me hug her mom! What the heck! I hate hugs unless I initiate them! Especially since I haven't seen her in years! That's awk af.
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No I'm waiting for the dentist... I hate the dentist the smell makes me want to vomit...
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During calculus Kane found a tie that is a freshman's in 8th period and he puts it on event though it don want go with this plaid shirt at all! It was stripped it looked so bad. Honestly the combination made me uncomfortable. Do you remember when I wrote about the Starbucks visit where it was just the two of us doing pen tricks? Well today while we were learning in calculus he did the trick that I intercepted that time at Starbucks and he looked at me right after, I was looking at the board and he thought I didn't see it, I did. For some reason this girl that is slightly irrelevant in my calculus class asked him if he had ever dated this girl that is also kind of irrelevant, I don't like her much, and he shook his head and if like to think he looked at me after, but he didn't... Oh well
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Ughh! I hate dentists! They keep getting my hopes up! Last time they said this was my last adjustment but now they're staying my next appointment is my last one. Anyone who has or had braces knows the struggle. Smh... Butt faces
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Holy fuck! I can't believe it... My top school.... The application didn't include my extra curricular activities 😭🔫🔫🔫 I'm so screwed. I should have checked to make sure God I hate myself and the only person I can blame is me.... I should have double checked damn me. Fuck my life. Why the hell do I fuck everything up.... Fuck. I'm so fucking dome with this shit. I know I'm over reacting but it hurts and I'm just going to shut down for now. I just need to be by myself for a bit and just be alone for right now. I can't deal with everything right now. College and everything can go to hell. I need to take a breather before I honestly do something I don't mean.