Write it Down so I Don't Forget

Kane & I's first date

You know those days when your depression just drop kicks you and continues to kick you while you're already down? Well that's exactly how I feel today, didn't want to get up, didn't feel like trying... I guess I look cute but I feel awful. I really just want to put a bullet in my head, I'm so done with myself. I hope we don't do much today... I have two tests so that'll be fun.... I've been wishing for a boyfriend when I should be praying I get into college.... Or that I can pay for freaking college!!! Ughh my federal aide isn't going through because of stuff and complications and crap and basically I'm not going to be able to pay for college..... So I'm probably going to end up going to community college, which isn't bad but I want to go to a university. But I slacked off to much and I'm not getting any scholarships and federal aide isn't going to help and fml. I just want to be done with this.  I might just stay home for college... The financial burden would be way less... I really enacted to go though, I didn't want to live with my mom still.... But right now that looks like my only option.
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We made homemade noodles in food science, that was really fun. But the fire alarms kept going off. Once when we were walking back inside, then again when we were back in the classroom. It was so dumb. The noodles were cool we had to run then through this press thing. I had to make sure I didn't keep taking over because you know me the biggest control freak....
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Durning lunch we talked about somewhat political topics, like veganism and things along those lines. He kept holding eye contact for an extremely long time, it felt like he was staring into my soul. Claire and I spent forensics in the hall where we had the intention of studying but ended up just talking. She drew a picture of Kane and I on a date, then proceeded to add us thinking back to our first date while I'm pregnant. 😂🙄 We also talked about secret Santa and ended up telling each other who we had... Apparently Erin and Claire had already talked about it and knew each other's.... Erin had me and Claire has Kane so basically we just swap gifts.... Kane is out if the loop and doesn't know we know who everyone has. We also decided to go to sonic after school so that's where I am now, waiting... This morning I felt awful but now I'm okay. I was just having one of those moments... After this I need to go to the grocery store. We also planned to do something Saturday, hopefully Kane actually shows up this time... He said he has a dance competition on Friday, kinda want to go see him preform. Lol but yeah. He said something during lunch about how he liked some sort of food and he was all shocked because I liked it too and I asked why. He said he just always expects me to dislike everything he likes...? Why... Lol I eat like anything, I try different foods all the time, I'm up to eat anything. Thought that was weird.
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While we were at sonic we were talking about how I kinda want to go to this swing dancing thing that he goes to every week at this college so Claire decides to tell him that! Like ugh no! I would only go if they did because it's out if my radius and he'd have to take me. This was our short convo.
Claire: Elizabeth wants to go dancing.
Kane: Dancing?
Me: Nothing Claire is just being an idiot.
Kane: No, I think she was trying to say something.
Me: I was there it was nothing. (Play it off Elizabeth play it off!)
Kane: oh, really quickly, I'm thinking of having a little "holiday bash" if you will next Wednesday after school, think y'all could go?
That's cool and all except that we were all going to go shopping! What the heck he forgets everything! Ugh we wanted to try on dresses and look at bras! And Kane was going to come because why not! 😂 I also kind of don't want to go because a.) I don't mind his friends but I'm not like good friends with them, I used to be but we've grown apart over the years. B.) he has quite a few friends and I don't like crowds. C.) There is a potential he could like ignore me... I mean he has a lot of friends outside of us and they're mostly girls so I mean, like if I go I might end up just talking to Claire and Erin and possibly Courtney if she goes. However I have been wanting to go to his house... And I'm happy he invited us, cause like he was talking to me then remembered to invite us. Idk I'm thinking about it.
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Omfg so my mom just now tells me I was supposed to decorate my GP's door today! I completely forgot and so I ask her why she didn't remind me! And she was like "you should be responsible" and I asked her if I could go to sonic and then she was like oh go to the store for me too. why didn't she remind me!? What the heck! Then she is making these little remarks basically saying that I'm not keeping up with my responsibilities and I'm like I've been uber busy! Last week I had tons of tests and projects and all this crap plus finals start this week! Like this is the first day I've day a break! She could have told me that i needed to do that today! I would have gone if I had remembered! She called me a liar because I said I would go but I didn't like just because I forgot doesn't warrant you to call me a liar... What the hell mom... She could have reminded me I gave her plenty of opportunities! I asked her if I could go, I came home for a bit then left again and she didn't tell me as I walked through the door, no she told me after I've been home fore an hour! Ughh what the hell. Ugh sh episodes me off sometimes! Sometimes I don't even want to come home because of her and that's why I've been going out way more. Like no stop. You stress me out and make me feel awful, I love you but no.
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Oh and Kane randomly brings up Lin-Manuel Miranda 😍😍😍 aka my favorite person in the whole freaking world.