Sex addict + Luh

T w e n t y - n i n e

|Ariana|

My heart literally sank into my stomach, I let go of Derek and emotionlessly stared at both of them.

Maxine opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out of her mouth.

I turned around, quickly walking towards the door. I closed the door behind me and began to sob.

How could they.

I felt numb and like I was suffocating. I couldn't move nor could I breath. I put my hand over my stomach, where my heart currently sat as I thought to myself. How could I be so naive to think that Derek wouldn't do this to me, most importantly how could I think Maxine was actually trying to look out for me when she told me to stay away from Derek. Once again I have set myself up for failure.

I loved him. I still love him. Even though he did what he did but that doesn't matter right now.

____________One day earlier_____________

I looked around the grey themed room and sighed. I hated talking about my mom with my therapist. I hated talking about my mom period.

I feel that my mom and I could have a wonderful relationship while we live drastically far from each other.

My mom just frustrated me way too much for me to want a relationship with her, it's just to much.

Some day if I even have children I know not to treat them the way my mom treated me.

"What about Derek? Anything new with him." She changed the topic making me grin.

"I think I'm gonna go ahead with my plan to go back to him."

I smiled, god I missed him.

"Do you honestly think your ready?"

"Yes I do, I was with my friend" I paused and thought to myself, probably best if I keep his identity unknown like I did with Derek.

I shifted in my seat and proceeded.

"Matthew. He and I were at this amusement and we got on this ride, and at that moment I felt so happy my adrenaline was racing my smile was huge my worries were all gone and I felt free. But then I got this feeling in my heart, something that was keeping me from being completely happy and that's when I realized I wanted Derek to be there. I want him to be there for all my happy memories. I was waiting for that, that feeling to know that I wanted Derek for real."

"That's really great Ariana." She smiled.  "But do you really feel like you can trust him?"

I paused.

Do I trust Derek.

Do I trust him with my heart, my very fragile heart.

"Yeah, I do. I don't wanna hold myself back anymore because of anxiety or assumptions, it isn't fair to anyone."

"Well I'm glad that your noticing these things Ariana. I'm very proud of you for making these decisions for yourself and that your not letting the rape take control of what you want." She smiled. "Your very strong Ariana. There's some things that still need some work but on the whole Derek situation your doing great."

I smiled to myself, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I wasn't crazy. "I don't know, he makes me feel crazy and like I don't wanna waste any breaths withou-"

"Ariana sweetheart, your in love." She laughed.

In love.

I'm in love with Derek.

"Oh my god, I love him."

I loved how it sounded, I loved how I felt about it. My head ringed with excitement.

"How does it feel?" She questioned.

"It feels great." I couldn't bring myself to stop smiling. I placed my hands over my stomach and could feel the butterflies swimming about in there.

__

After leaving my therapists office I went to Maxine's house. I wasn't going to tell her about my plan about attempting to get Derek back tomorrow, because I know that she'll have something to say about it. I really didn't wanna hear it.

No one was gonna talk me out of this.

I wasn't even gonna let my worries get into the way of it. I was going to do this no buts no if and certainly no cants.

She wants him out of my life, she wants the best for me.

She'll see that he's the best thing for me.

I knocked on the door, but no answer. I called her, but again no answer. I shrugged it off and continued my route to my house.

On the drive home I got to thinking.

What if he doesn't want to take me back because of sex. I couldn't see myself having sex anymore. The feeling of soreness struck my head and I tried to shake the thought out of my head.

But I couldn't.

I'm not letting what happened to me stop me from pleasing myself. I want my first time after having that gruesome experience to be with him.

I want to have sex with him.

I'm going to have sex with him.