Drowning in you

•twentyøne•

Numbness spread through Tyler slowly. Melting into his veins, swirling though his body. He stared a Jenna into those blue eyes that had once captured him, once insnared him with the feeling of undying and love. But as he looked he slowly started to realize that there was no such thing as undying love. Because as he stood there his arms hanging limply at his sides, he felt the beautiful flower of love wilting and crumbling to dust.
He turned and ran down the hallway of the house he had bought for Jenna, down the stairs and across the stain on the carpet where Jenna had spilled the gravy on thanksgiving. He paused at the door only long enough to cram his feet into his vans. As he was leaving he saw a picture of him and Jenna on their wedding day. Tyler was gripping Jenna's hand as they ran through the crowd of family and friends on their way to their honey moon. Tyler could still smell her soft floral perfume drifting in the evening air, and feel her excitement as he saw that photo.
His hand acted on its own. It reached up and took the photo In its frame off its hook above the door, and threw it to the ground. The glass shattered, shards flying everywhere. He reached down and grabbed the photo itself, he felt his heart tearing every time he tore the picture a little more with his shaking hands.
He ran out into the driveway, only then realizing that he had taken a cab from the airport and didn't have a car. He really didn't know what to do, numbness clouded his judgment, so he just walked.
It really is all my fault, thought Tyler.
I'm away so much I never could treat her like she should be treated. For gods sake, I could barely make it home for Valentine's, the day couples spend together all over the world. Maybe i just wasn't good enough for her, that guy probably did things I never could.

You've always thought she was too good to be true, you were right in the end.

His feet stumbled across cracks in the pale grey sidewalk. He was Thoroughly lost, both mentally and physically. There were no tears, just his mild running a mile a minute telling him that it was his own fault, that he deserved it.
"Shut up blurry!"
Tyler shouted.
Across the street an old couple stared at him with disgust, probably thinking he was some mentally unstable crazy person.

They aren't wrong...

Tyler cursed, pressing his hands to the sides of his heads trying to stop the voices of his demons. Eventually he gave up, and dragged himself over to a nearby park bench, and rested his head in his trembling fingers.

Tyler sat there for hours. The damp wood digging into the backs of his legs. Rain fell from the heavy clouds above him, leaving hundreds of tiny dark speckles on his army green skinny jeans.

In the end we are all ruled by fear, he thought. Yes the other emotions put up a valiant fight, but no matter what it seems fear creeps into the back of your head, followed by its minions doubt, sadness, and despair.
He had been rejected again. Ever since he was a child he had hated that feeling. Hated feeling inferior, it had made him fight to be the best. But fighting takes energy, and it became an obsession of his to be perfect.he soon realized that perfection was exhausting. The smile he had plastered on his face every day in high school hid a battle ground in his mind. He felt more panicked every day knowing that he wasn't perfect. His mind was as broken as a discarded doll, but no one could ever know.
Finally he had found something that slowly mended his soul, his music. His scribbled poems filling notebooks, the idea of knowing that maybe he could sing them too people and help better the world in some small way. It was less exhausting to live when he knew he had a purpose. He had found josh, found Jenna, gained fame. With every small step toward happiness he had lost a shred of his other more panicked side, but he had never lost the fear of rejection.
Every time he stepped on stage he was convinced the crowd wouldn't like him, that they wouldn't hold him up when he leaned on them for support, that josh didn't really value him as a friend, that Jenna never loved him. His fears were turning into a reality, she had given up on him, and who could blame her.

The sun drifted farther and farther toward the horizon, and finally sunk down, drowning in the dusky sky. Tyler's eyes were dry, the numbness was everywhere. He fell asleep to the clammer of his thoughts, His small body crumpled on the rickety park bench.