Drowning in you

•thirtyfour•

Tyler had been hauled away into some far away Ambulance, and josh stood petrified in the doorway of the room where he had watched Tyler being carried off.
His heart felt like a jigsaw puzzle missing the final  piece, he would never be complete without Tyler's soft mocha eyes gazing into his own.
He ran back into the hotel room his vans slapping against the grey carpet. He was about to snatch his phone off the bed when he noticed a piece of paper lying innocently on the bed. Josh's fingers still weren't functioning properly, their tips burning and shaking.
Looking closer he realized that the paper was covered in spots of dampness, making it fragile and delicate.
Josh peered down at the paper with his deep brown almond eyes, carefully unfolding the creases in its surface.
The paper was covered in messy handwriting, words rushing in panicked formation like soldiers fleeing from battle.

Josh,

Suddenly the reality of what this paper's purpose was hit him in a sudden flash, causing his throat to shrink and dry like he had been submerged in an icy ocean.
He slowly sank to the ground, his back pressed against the side of the bed.

(Triggering maybe??)

Josh,
By the time you are reading this I will probably be dead. Or not... if by some rather unfortunate miracle I survive I'm sure you'll still want to know why.
It's hard to explain what it's like to be suicidal.
My therapist in high school diagnosed me with "being suicidal" as a tenth grader after I sat in his cramped office telling him the dark poetry that was the inside  of my head.
It's always pissed me off that medical people try to shove me into specific categories, try to force me to follow a list of their predicted symptoms and causes. The truth is blurry doesn't follow anyone's rules, he's like a cancer cell, just when I think I've won our battle he mutates and finds another way to torture me. It's a never-ending battle, josh. Actually there is an end. It's death.
Remember when I was talking about my therapist? He gave me a whole bag full of pill bottles and pills, a whole schedule to keep my my mind in check.
My life was drugged and fake, it didn't seem right to hide, to take the easy way out.
Once I thought this I stopped taking my pills. I crashed hard into my life once again. I went to school that day and it took every ounce of me to stop the tears from seeping out of my eyes. That afternoon I claimed I was "sick" to get out of basketball practice,and went home and wrote drown.
That song was who I was, battling with my faith, asking why I had to be like that, like this.
Josh I could never preform songs from that era, and it's not because it hurt to much, its because those songs physically hurt me to sing because it breaks down the thin barrier I have put up between my personalities and I'm left battling myself every second of the show.
I met you soon after high school. Its funny how you can live your life not knowing what you're missing, you made me see in color. The smudgy grey that was my life clicked into focus the first time I played music with you. That's what purpose is josh, music is my purpose, was my purpose. But for all those years I was wrong, purpose won't save me, it gives me something to do, something to make the pain, which is the next best thing to feeling it josh. I'm not saying that it wasn't worth it, helping all those people is what I wanted to do with my life. I've done that, given it all I've got, pulled the very last scrap of the motivated,creative,happy Tyler out of myself until nothing is left but blurry. The blurryface era is over now, not because of the album, because blurryface has finally regained his rightful place at the steering wheel of my life. It's the start of a new era, of me finally coming to terms with who I really am, and what I am. That starts with my death josh.
Until last week I was convinced Jenna was my life, but as I'm writing this Im starting to realize what has been in my head all along. You are the most important person in my life. If I hadn't met you I never would have stayed alive this long, you have no idea how many times you've saved me. All those times you picked up on my sadness and when I locked myself in the bathroom with my pills or razor your were the one that forced me out with your words. I say forced because my sick need for inflicting pain on myself was to hard for me to overcome alone. I needed you more every day, every hour. You were a part of me, my heart, my lungs, my mind. My wings that lifted my soul when I couldn't do it myself.
You are blessed with a love for life, josh, I can't tell you what joy it brings me whenever I see you smile. You truly marvel at the world, remember that trip to that coffee shop in disguise? You were a punk, but behind your dark eyeliner you were who you've always been: strong enough to conquer fear itself, kind enough to stitch together a broken mind, powerful enough to lull the most powerful of storms.
Josh, everyone always gives me the mic in interviews, but you deserve it, you have the real talent.
Singing is the easy way to get across what you feel, but the crowd, me, we all know just what you are feeling, how much music is intertwined with your life just by seeing you play, seeing your face.
I know you will be sad. You would be sad if the first thing a tiny kitten saw when it opened its eyes for the first time was anything but perfect.
I know this will hurt you Josh, god, if there was any other way in this intersection, this crossroads, I would take it.
Josh, if anything find courage in the fact that I'm happy now. That you did all you could, and this is in no way your fault. everyday of my life has been a fight between my two halves. I've won until now, but that's no kind of life to live, so I'm surrendering on my own terms.
Death will tear you apart, but I'm hurting you as it is, you deserve a better friend, just like Jenna deserved a better husband.
Leaving you all gives me the opportunity for empty quiet, the only thing I've ever truly craved. It will give you space, go chase your dreams Joshua. I know it's cliche, but live life to the fullest. Live your life like it's worth two, then tell me what happened and stuff when you see me up here in the clouds in the end. Ends are inevitable josh, just like this letter. I could keep writing this, writing all the depressing things I would tell you if I had the bravery to say them to your face, but I'm just putting off what I've been meaning to do all along. The pull of death is stronger than it's ever been josh, and the only thing that has kept me going for the last few years has been the thought of hurting you if I were to die. It is my biggest regret to say goodbye josh, but know i am finally happy.
Let me live on in all those happy memories we shared, never forget josh, please.

Tyler