Drowning in you

•fortynine•

Clouds overhead and the road below, that was all josh knew. He couldn't help wondering if this is the last time he could think of Tyler alive . Last time he could think about what Tyler and him could do together, last time he could imagine Tyler was just sleeping in his bed in the hospital blissfully free of all his burdens.

He pulled into the hospital parking lot and felt his chest clenching, soft stabs of pain shooting across his numb skin. So many last times with no beginnings to ease the pain. Josh felt an urge to see himself then. He didn't know why, didn't understand the urge himself, but he pulled down the mirror that was clipped to the roof of the interior of his car.
There were the eyes that had looked back out of every mirror he had ever looked into. They didn't seem to be him. They were the eyes of a frightened child not of a successful musician. Those Childs eyes spoke of a man whose heart had broken every day since it confessed to his mind its love for the unattainable.
He had always thought it was odd that his reflection didn't reflect who he knew himself to be inside.
He looked into those eyes, their matte brown now glossed over with tears that seemed to linger in his eyes now from day to day.
He wished they could go back to how they were. He remembered the first time he had seen a picture of him and Tyler together. He had realized that photo was the first time his true self he kept inside had been captured on film. It was terrifying and thrilling and exciting and so new and exciting. With Tyler, around Tyler, near the man that knew his heart, he could be who he was, he could forget the burden of his aspirations.
He knew he had to get it over with. He hated the thought of reaching the hospital door and opening it to see dead eyes and a blank canvass of skin that had lost hold of the face that had once been painted on it.
And yet in some twisted black part of him he wanted more than anything to confirm his fears or his hopes.
He had to.
Needed to know, needed it more than anything he had ever known. Needed to know if his love was gone, or if it would return. He could almost picture Tyler's sitting on a bridge in the fog. His hands wrapped around his biceps, his knees pulled up close to his fragile chest. Josh could see the way his eyes were slightly glazed over like they always were when Tyler thought. He could see him staring out into the fog between life and death pondering the pros and cons of both options. Josh wished he could just touch his hand and make him believe he had a place in the world. A place next to josh. A place where he could be loved like he had always needed.
With this thought in his mind josh slowly opened the door of the car and walked out toward the hospital.