Drowning in you

•thirtynine•

Josh bones ached for no apparent reason. He hadn't done anything, no, not even drumming.
Thinking of his old passion made his stomach turn. He saw himself in third person, his past self. Saw his hair change from one bright color to another as months raced by as they gained fame. But with every memory lurked the persistent inching that reminded him that none of the past years would be the same without Tyler.
You don't really value and person until they're gone, josh knew that now. The most valuable things are the ones we take for granted.
His past self would laugh at him for wishing for the simple pleasure of sipping coffee next to Tyler on a rainy day, and yet, the more he thought, the more he craved Tyler's presence.
Wished he could just wake the fuck up from this nightmare that was dragging on for far FAR to long.
He pinched his arm hard, relishing the stinging pain that shot across his skin.
Tyler would tell him it was wrong to savor pain, enjoy the one thing that was meant to warn, to protect you.
Tyler would trace the little crescent indents left in his skin by his nails and whisper inaudible yet calming phrases.
Tyler would know how to mend the full emptiness of sorrow. He would know how painful it is to feel nothing. Know that josh couldn't really explain what it was, just something wrong, there was something deeply wrong with him.
Tyler would understand just how terrifying it is to feel all white and blank inside. Because only Tyler could understand there are two stages of messed up: sadness from real problems, and the nothing you feel when your soul finally whispers to your brain:
" there is no purpose to life anymore. Why are we waking up every morning to feel nothing, why must we choose to suffer endlessly so we can maybe get a job and live out our pointless lives in a suburb filled with grey houses where we can watch our dreams crumble to dust."
Tyler would know.
Tyler.
The most beautiful man josh knew.
He remembered that he had first been draw to Tyler's smile the night he had met him. It had been shy, shy like the adorable stutter in his voice. A curling of velvet lips, a pastel pink smeared across his cheeks.
Back then Tyler's smile had been genuine. Back then Tyler had smiled because of the rare bursts of joy that filled his small frame, not to hide what he was feeling. Josh never really noticed when this change occurred, the genuine to the fake.
Josh knew that game all too well, he played it everyday.
It's hard to pretend to be happy, try to come across as honest when really you spend your days lying on the Most basic level. These lies weren't little white lies, but big cloudy heavy horrible lies about who you are.
Music had healed josh, but now he hid behind his drums more then ever, it was the one comfort to him when he couldn't pretend any longer.
Josh gazed down at Tyler's pale face and worry seethed in him. It was so unfair that Tyler of all people should have depression. But then again, when had the world ever been fair. The best of us are caught like a fly in a web of self despising thoughts.
Josh had been angry at Tyler temporarily, but now he understood it wasn't Tyler's fault that his own mind had twisted reality into a hell personalized to Tyler.
He'd never missed anything like this before.
Never felt so lost when he was so close to the one person who was his home. Home was more than his overly expensive house he had in LA. He had bought it the day Tyler had proposed to Jenna, a fake show of independence, a action to show Tyler that he would be fine on his own, that he could make it on his own. It was all fake, josh knew this as soon as he moved in. He would sit alone in his stiff blue armchair, gazing down at the city surrounded by walls payed for with deceits.
Home was the lumpy pillow on his bunk that he had never replaced because it reminded him of the day he had bought it on the first day of their first tour.
The way the third step of the tour bus always creaked.
The way Tyler's mattress groaned when he shifted his body in the middle of the night.
Home was Tyler, Tyler was home.
One thick tear streaked down Josh's nose and he sniffled, feeling more like a small child then ever.
It landed with a splash on Tyler's forehead which was without its usual wrinkles of worry, smooth and relaxed.
He was so at peace with death, it scared josh almost as the thought of life without Tyler.
Almost.
He leaned down, hesitating briefly before sweeping his lips across the smooth skin of Tyler's forehead, wiping away all traces of fallen tears.
He shifted, settling deeper into the comfort of the worn armchair that sat next to Tyler's bed.
It smelled like the faded perfume of an old woman, a tickling musky sent that we never realize we love until it's there.
He cuddled Tyler's limp hand in his own.
Sleep took Josh's mind from him slowly then all at once.

                              .......................

The door creaked open and Tyler walked into the hotel room resting heavily on Josh's shoulder.
Josh watched himself, his double, as he directed Tyler to the bed then snatched up car keys and jogged out of the room.
It was then he realized he was seeing everything play out, his traumatized mind on repeat.
Tyler was slumped against the wall, his legs sprawled over the blankets.
For a long time he simply sat, to anyone but josh it would look like he was resting after a long day, but josh knew.
He watched Tyler's chest rise and fall faster and faster as panic seeped into his system. He heard him desperately shouting bits and pieces of a conversation to someone josh couldn't see. Blurryface.
Josh tried to go to him, but with every step he took he slid back, back, pulled away from the one thing he cared about.
He looked down to find thick ropes curling around his legs.
Slowly he turned around, and came face to face with Jenna's icy eyes.
Her thin fingers pulling the ends of the ropes attached to Josh's  shaking legs.
Suddenly he could speak.
"Jenna. Jenna let me go. Tyler needs m-" he was cut off by on of Jenna's icy cold hands clamping across his mouth.
"Shh... it's ok Joshua, you're safe with me, there's nothing wrong. Tyler's just taking his medications." her lips curled into a malicious smile.
Josh turned slowly dreading what he would see.
Tyler was slowly pouring pills into his hand.
Tyler no! He screamed, but nothing came out out.
Tyler
He raised his hand slowly to his lips
Tyler! He tried again
Tyler gulped down the pills which continued to flow out of his hand and into his mouth.
TYLER! Josh shouted, pouring everything he had into his voice, but there was no sound.
He tried to run to him, tried to fight the ropes binding him, but they only grew tighter, and he could hear Jenna's laugh behind him.
" Tyler doesn't need your help josh, never did. You were stupid to think he even cared about you. Don't hold him back, let him do what he wants, it's not like he values your opinion."
Josh tried to protest but his voice caught as he realized the truth in Jenna's statement. He helplessly watched Tyler's eyes slowly slide closed and his body sway, then fall in slow motion until it came to rest right at Josh's bound feet.
Suddenly josh could move, and he fell to his knees, gently whispering
"Tyler. Tyler. Wake up. Tyler. Tyler." But it was no use, all that was left was the shell of what once was a person.
" Tyler I'm sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't get to you I tried Tyler I tried," josh swallowed," I love you Tyler."
As he spoke Tyler was slowly devolving into cool swirling grey mist, slipping though Josh's clutching fingers until they held nothing.
"No!" He screamed in despair.
"NO!"

.............................

Josh's eyes flew open and took in the hospital room, trying to remember where he was. Then everything flooded back and he sighed. It was just a dream, just a dream.

..............................
Hey guys!
I'm pretty sure that chapter was 1444 words. Damn.
Thank you for reading my painfully slow paced fan fic!!!
Btw I love Jenna to pieces, but there Needs to be conflict if this is going to be a half decent story.
Don't forget to vote/ comment
That's all guys,
Much love ,
Samantha <3