Drowning in you

•thirtyfive•

I'm wearing my body today like a casket. Heavy sagging weight that bears the burden of me, I, myself.

One step is a mile
One smile a deal made with the shadows that tear though my sanity, teeth smooth against the cracked surface of lying lips.

Beyond taught skin and crumbling bones are the cavities of my heart, their halls echoing with the words you wrote down for me to read.

It's continuous off beat rhythm that drags my feet against the earth.

Brown eyes begging to be covered with the blanket of their lids

Eyelashes cluttered with crystal tears

Skin pulled away from the nail, rips and tears which my body has neglected to sew closed

Resolute emptiness brought about by every thought I have chosen to think, every breath I have decided to make

The the soft hands of sadness cupping my head, muffing the sounds of life.

Sweet surrender to a cowards paradise

Quiet were everything becomes known

Quiet where trembles stutter to a stop

This and many more thoughts sprinted though Josh's mind in the span of minutes. His thoughts clouded his logic. His mind was a ship lost off shore. No storm had swayed it before, but the fog of disbelief of Tyler's actions was quickly filling his skull like cotton wool.
He tapped his feet on the carpeted floor of the hospital waiting room, but somehow he couldn't make a beat.
The room was cramped, and lit by bright Fluorescent lights. The plaster walls were painted a pastel baby blue, and a long strip of white wallpaper ran around the crease where the walls met the ceiling. The paper was decorated with a illustration of a line of large pink ducks all marching in a never ending loop around and around the room.
It made josh feel old and out of place.
Directly across from him there were four people: a aged woman whose tissue paper skin was creases that lead josh to believe she had spent her life frowning rather than smiling. A teenage girl wearing leggings and a crop top, at least josh thought that was what it was, these days bras and crop tops weren't so different. Every few minutes a smile would tug at the edges of her mouth and she would raise her phone in one hand, then tilt her chin, pout her bottom lip, and gaze up at the camera through her fake eyelashes.
Josh truly hoped his Snapchat story wasn't that pathetic.
On the other side of the girl was a mom with her kid.
The mom had one hand pressed to her temple, she was trying ( and failing) to calm the small boy in front of her. He was screaming that "he'd rather die than be stuck with a needle", from this josh gathered he must be waiting to get  some sort of vaccination.
Looking at people had distracted him for about thirty seconds but now he had nothing to do but wait. Wait. Wait.
He stared absentmindedly at the grouchy receptionist for a few minutes, his mind wandering to The horrible memory of Tyler's pale face framed by hotel carpet.
He was snapped back into reality when she caught him staring, and gave him a look venomous enough to make a person shrivel up and die.
When had josh become so committed to Tyler he wondered. It was a new feeling to care this much about someone. As a teen he had never been wanted, or liked. He was the boy who had to jog to keep up with his groups of fake friends in the hallway. The one they "forgot to add to the group chat".
He tried to remember all the golden tinted memories of him and Tyler, but no matter which he chose, in his mind  Tyler was pale and weak, barely breathing.
It was all josh could do to keep his anxiety in check.
His breath was quick, panic forcing his lungs to spasm and his throat to contract, it was no longer a priority to collect oxygen.
He pressed his hand to his chest, feeling the steady pressure of something alive and sure calmed him down.
The thing was, Tyler had always been the one to rub his back and whisper song lyrics in his ear when his anxiety kicked in.
Tyler's never coming back you know
He's dead already
You are so weak, clinging to the hope of life
You know what hospitals are? The place people go to die
Besides it's not like your "god" will answer your prayers for life, why would he waste his time with you.
Shut.up.
Josh shook his head clearing the worrisome voice out of his head. He knew he would be back, he was behind his eyes, hiding in the dust filled corners of his mind.
He glanced up to see a nurse enter the room.
Her worn nikes squeaked against the tiled floor of the hallway, then the sound abruptly stopped when she stepped on the carpet of the waiting room.
Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, but large chunks of black hair had escaped, and now hung limply beside her flushed cheeks.
"Is anyone here for-" she glanced down at her faded purple plastic clipboard, "Tyler Joseph?".
She glanced around, her toe tap-tapping against the carpet. Josh's mouth was dry, he stared blankly at her not fully comprehending what she was asking.
"Well? Anyone?" She asked, her tacky cheerful voice straining with impatience.
She was met by blank stares from the other people huddled in the room. The old woman glanced up sullenly, the teen paused her Snapchating to roll her eyes at the nurse, the kid was temporarily silenced, his eyes were wide with the fear that this nurse was the one that was going to take him away to the torture room where he was to be stabbed with needles.
"T-that's-" josh cleared his throat huskily, "that's m-me, I'm here for Tyler."
The nurse twitched her mouth, forming what could appear to be a smile if you were half blind.
"This way please!" She said, motioning for josh to follow her out of the pastel room and into a hallway bustling with medical staff.

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Hello my beautiful amazing readers! I'm back from vacation so I should be updating more frequently.

Just wanted to say thank you thank you thank you because somehow ( don't ask me how I'm completely shocked) this fic has reached 3K + reads! ( 3.23k to be exact, I check every day, it makes me so happy people are reading my writing).

Don't forget to comment!

Hope y'all have a wonderful evening/ noon/ night/ day whatever it is where you live.

Much love,
Samantha <3