Drowning in you

•twentynine•

Trigger: homophobic words  ( skip if you need to frens)

Josh's mind was wild, and there was a deep throbbing pain in his head. He knew this came from panic attacks, he knew that all too well. He remembered the first one he had ever had. It had been freshman year, the year he still hated thinking about. It was Josh's first kiss that triggered the whole thing. Well it wasn't really my first kiss josh thought, but it was the first real one. His first had been hurried and meaningless in the back of a school bus with a girl he barley knew. Their lips meeting messily, their hearts feeling nothing.
No this kiss was so much better, it was the day that josh discovered he was bi. It had been second period, the last class before lunch, always Josh's favorite because it was music class. The music room was painted a dull beige color, dirt and dust collecting in corners. The sheet music was out dated, and all the black music stands were wobbly, their surfaces scratched with graffiti left behind over the years. The one true thing that stood out in Josh's memory about that cramped dirty room was the drum set that rested in the corner.
He spent all his time playing it, before school, after school, lunch... every possible minute of his day.
That specific day he had been practicing a drum solo from Green Day. He played hard, every few minutes pausing to take a bite out of his dry ham and cheese sandwich. On one such break he had heart soft claps behind him, echoing dispite the tiny size of the room.
Josh had turned around abruptly to find a boy he barely knew, the drum set faced away from the door so josh could understand why he hadn't seen the boy come in. His name was Charlie, he had dark auburn hair that curled in perfect ringlets framing his tanned face. In startling  contrast to his face were his eyes. They were large and green, framed with noticeably feminine looking eyelashes that curled slightly.
"Sounds great josh!" He exclaimed, his smirky smile spreading across his handsome face. Josh blushed involuntarily, nerves blossoming in his chest.
"T-thanks? I didn't know you came here at lunch..." Josh had stuttered, mentally cursing himself.
"No, I usually don't I just need to tell you something josh." His smile was gone replaced by a cute nervous look. He stepped closer to josh, passing the line of comfort.
"I like you..." he whispered in Josh's ear, his plump lips brushing the side of his jaw as they moved. Josh gasped slightly, looking deep into the foresty green depths of Charlie's eyes.
Everything was moving too slowly. Josh's cheeks burned, and the flood of nervous excitement rushed through him, doing a lap through his body before settling in his chest. Suddenly josh understood why people described this feeling as "butterflies"
"R-really?" Josh breathed.
"Yes really." Charlie Whispered back. And then it happened. Josh felt a surge of courage, he leaned into Charlie, pressing his lips against Charlie's only for a moment. He pulled away and Charlie smiled.
"Wow." Charlie had said.

Throughout the whole day josh had drifted around on a cloud. His mind filled with ocean green eyes and tanned skin. The though of running his hands though curly brown hair caused and hour of algebra to fly by. finally school was over, and he ran all the way to the music room. He was hoping to find a certain lovely boy, but what he saw instead he would never forget.
He ran into the room, and seeing no one decided to practice his drums. He sat on the cracked leather of the stool, and grabbed his sticks. Only then did he see the small folded piece of paper lying on one of the drums. He unfolded it with trembling fingers, hope fluttering in his throat.

Josh, I don't like you. I'm not gay, and if I was I wouldn't fall for someone as ugly and pathetic as you. This was all a dare from my friends.
-Charlie
P.s. Look behind you

Josh had felt like he had been injected with ice water. Cold flowed though him, defeat making tears spring to his eyes. He didn't want to, he knew he shouldn't, but slowly turned around. There written above the doorway in dripping red paint were the words Josh Dun is a fag

Josh remembered the strange feeling of not being able to breathe, his heart ran away, pumping at a feverish pace, his throat tight and painful.

Josh shook himself out of that painful memory, his eyes damp from a few tears he had shed thinking about that horrible experience. He swerved recklessly into the venue Parking lot where the tour buses were parked for the night.
He ran up the steps that lead to the third one, pulling open the door in a hurry, almost slamming into Mark who was leaning up against the door.
"Shit sorry Mark!" Josh cursed apologetically.
"Nah it's fine man, what's up? I thought you were staying with Tyler tonight?" He said his voice calm.
"Mark, he's gonna take a break from tour." Josh said.
"What? Why? What happened to him?" Mark said, looking horrified his hands shaking Josh's shoulders.
"He flew back to Ohio for Valentine's to surprise Jenna, and found her sleeping with another man." Josh's said simply, his voice dull.
"Oh my god is he ok?"
"I mean obviously not Mark!" Josh shot back.
"Sorry man, I didn't mean to be rude I'm a bit on edge that's all." Josh said his voice filled with regret
"No it's ok, I totally understand josh. I'll pass on the news to the manager. If there's anything I can do josh, anything at all, just tell ty to give me a call and I'll be there in a flash!" He said, sympathy in his eyes.
"Will do, thanks Mark."
"Yeah no problem josh, I'll come visit at some point." Josh nodded his thanks, then ran out of the bus and into his and Tyler's.
He looked around for a minute before gathering a few boxes of cereal, some new tee shirts for Tyler, and his laptop.
He began to feel nervous about how long he had been away from the obviously unstable Tyler.he left quickly, throwing his gathered provisions in the back of the car, and driving off quickly, barely shaking the feeling that he had been gone to long, far to long.