This is not the end~ Fourth book in PLMI series

Always there-28

A/n- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Okay. I'm good.

-Mackenzie's POV-
I slowly opened the door and saw Niall on the couch, watching television. He didn't have a shirt on and still was wearing his pajama pants. I sighed and walked to the couch and plopped down on his lap. I ran a hand over my messy sleep hair and he chuckled and pulled out the ponytail, which was holding the braid in. It fell out and my hair went wild, curls everywhere.
"Did you have a good sleep love...?" He asked as he grabbed my hair and pushed it back from my face, as I was doing nothing to try and tame it.I smiled and grabbed his hand, kissing his knuckles gently.
"Mmmhmmmm....." I mumbled, my voice still tired. He played with my hair quietly after that, neither of us saying a word. We didn't need to talk. We had each other. Just...being in his presence was enough for me.
I gently laid my head on his shoulder, feeling that pain in my chest again. Gosh, I wish it would just go away. I want to tell Niall. I really do. I'm just....I'm afraid. What if he doesn't love me anymore? Would he leave me? I don't think so. But...would it affect our future? What if he actually does leave me? It....won't be the same between us. I can't tell him. No. I have to. No. I can't. It's too embarrassing. But....I tell him everything. I do. What if he gets mad that I didn't tell him? Why does life have to be like this? Why do these things always have to happen to me? Trey. That's why. My mother. That's why.
"What are you thinking about love?" Niall asked, scaring me half to death. I was in a thought world, not knowing. His sudden question made me jump.
"You scared me." I breathed out a sigh and layed my head back on his shoulder.
"Sorry." He whispered, sighing into my hair. I nodded and he looked at me, his blue eyes piercing into mine. He looked as if he were trying to figure me out. I looked away quickly, scared he would be able to see right into my thoughts, finding out my secrets and every thing. "Are you okay?" He asked and I looked back up at him.
"I'm fine." I replied, the familiar phrase rolling off my tongue. Niall sighed and pulled me closer to him by my waist.
"Why do I feel like you aren't telling me the truth....?" Niall whispered, his voice chilling me to the bone. Maybe..because I'm not. I glanced at him and sat up more, refusing to look into his eyes. He gently took my face in his hands and I saw a glint of sadness in his eyes and...understanding....and.....a tear...? Yes. A tear fell down his face, slowly rolling to drip on his shirt. "Did....did you do it again.....?" He asked, his voice shaking nervously. I gently reached up to wipe his tear away, using my thumb to stroke his face.
I looked straight into his eyes and I knew instantly I couldn't lie. "I'm sorry Niall." I whispered, moving my thumb over his cheek. His arms tightened more around me, making it hard for me to breathe. But...I didn't mind. He's okay. He's okay. I want him to feel good. I want him to be happy. I don't want him to cry. It's...heartbreaking.
"Why....?" He asked, another tear falling from his eye. I wiped it away again, moving my legs so that I was straddling him, my legs around his waist and his hands on my hips.
"Niall.....I..have to.....to...tell you something....." I whispered, not trusting my voice to stay even. His eyes met mine briefly and then fluttered down to my hand, which he grabbed.
"Okay....." he said, waiting for me to talk. I gulped and tried to fight back the tears that were coming. But...it didn't work. They fell in fast, hard streams, finally letting me let it out. I leaned forward and cried silently into his shoulder, trying to make the whole world go away. Niall rubbed my back slowly, in patterns, trying to get me to stop crying.
"Shh....tell me what's been bothering you love....." Niall whispered comfortingly. I leaned into his touch, wishing to become part of him instead.
I sat back up and he wiped the tears from my face, as I had did for him before. I took two deep breaths and looked him in the eyes.
"Niall......you know...h.how I went to the d...doctor a c...couple m...months ago....?" I asked slowly, stammering on my words. He nodded and looked confused.
"Yeah. You went for a checkup." He clarified and I gulped, shaking my head.
"It....it....wasn't a checkup Nialler...." I whispered, looking down. I felt more tears stream down my face at a fast, alarming rate. I wished for them to stop, but they came even harder, drowning me before I even told him. He squeezed my hand gently, making me know that he was there for me.
"What....what was it?" He asked, his voice sounding anxious and scared. I gently looked up at him sadly, his face blurring because of my tears.
"Niall....the doctor....he....r..realized something....after I....after.....we got away from my m..mother....the d..doctor...he decided to do another test on me....and....I....." I stopped suddenly, choking on my tears. I began to shake with my sobs and Niall wrapped me into his loving embrace.
"Its okay love. Shhh..I'm here. It's okay. Tell me when you're ready...." his sweetness only made me cry harder. By now I was sobbing, unable to make a single word. Niall held me tightly as I sobbed into his chest harder and Hardee, letting my tears out on him. "I love you. Please don't cry. Whatever it is...we'll get through this together." He whispered in my ear, calming me somewhat. My breathing hitched and I shook, trying to catch my breath. I hiccupped and Niall sighed, rubbing my back like a child.
"I...I...I.." I stammered, unable to talk yet.
"Shh.....catch your breath before you speak love. In and out. In and out." She said, imitating the breathing exercises he once had to do.
"I...can't have children!!" I blurted out, crying into my hands bitterly. Niall stopped breathing and froze. I could feel it beneath me. I looked up to him and a tear rolled down his face slowly, tearing my heart to shreds.
"W...what....?" Niall stammered, his face laced with confusion and sadness.
"The d..doctor s..said I...can't...have children because...of...h..how...much..I w...was r...raped by T...Trey.......and......even if I d..did get pregnant...the...baby would have...terrible....birth.....d..defects...." I stammered, crying into my hands. I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to see his dismay. I didn't want to see his disappointment. I felt his body shaking and I looked up to see him crying silently as well. I sighed and gently pulled him into my arms, stroking his hair idly, trying to calm him. I still cried, oh yes. I cried so much I felt as if I would fun out of tears. But..I didn't. They just came and came and came and came and came. You get the point.
"I'm....so...s....sorry love. Why...does this all have to happen to you...?" He sobbed into my shoulder, his body shaking mine with his sobs. I almost fell off the couch, but he had such a firm grip I would never fall.
"D..do you still love me....?" I whispered, my voice shaking. He immediately pulled out of my arms and looked at me, tears streaming down his face.
"Why...would I ever....ever...not love you...this is......bad, yes....but...it would never keep me away....I...l..love you....more than anything. To the stars and back. Forever and always. I will..never not love you. This doesn't make me love you any less." He whispered, moving a piece of hair, which stuck to my tears, off my face.
"Y...you deserve someone better th..than me..." I whispered, feeling ashamed of myself. Of my past. Of.everything.
"Stop it. This. Instant. I..w...won't have talk like that. You hear? I love you and only you." He whispered, cupping my chin and raising it so that I was forced to look him in his red, tear stained eyes. I nodded slowly and he gently pressed a slow, meaningful kiss to my lips. But...I hardly felt it. I felt oddly exposed, but a weight had been lifted off my chest. His lips moved underneath mine, but I didn't respond, pulling away slowly.
"He took every thing from me Niall." I whispered, feeling the shame and guilt wash over me like a flood.
​​​​​​ "Oh Kenz......" Niall whispered, pulling me into a tight hug, but I pulled away.
"I n....need to be alone." I whispered, getting up.
"Are you okay?" Niall asked, concerned as he grabbed my wrist tightly, not wanting to let me go. I looked down at his sad, red eyes and sighed, looking away.
"I just...I...need to be alone." I whimpered, pulling my arm away from him. He stood up quickly and wrapped me into a tight hug, engulfing me in his warm body. I sighed and hugged him back tightly, making the most of this moment. He didn't let me go for a long time. Neither of us spoke. Not a word. I listened to his heart for awhile until he spoke.
"I want you to know...I will always love you. And....it hurts me to see you in pain. We'll get through this. We always do." He whispered, kissing the top of my head. I nodded slowly as he stroked my hair, making me close my eyes. I slowly pulled away and opened my eyes. He kissed my forehead with a long kiss that seemed to last a minute, before he pulled back and released me.
"I love you too." I whispered, releasing his hand, letting it drop to his side. I walked out of the room and shut our bedroom door with a click, but didn't lock it. I just...I needed time to...think I guess. I grabbed my guitar from where it laid against the wall and strummed a few chords before I was playing so hard I thought I might break the strings. A tear fell down my cheek as i played until my fingers were raw, my whole body shaking as my fingers moved rapidly over the strings. I finally was able to set down the guitar and I looked at the mirror, where a picture of me and Niall on New year's, kissing in front of the fireworks. I slowly opened my drawer and pulled out the picture of me, my dad, and Josh. I looked at the picture, brushing my fingers over their faces. I looked at my happy, little girl, smiling face and lost it. I began to cry harder and harder, my sobs getting louder. This is breaking me. Trey, you won. I sunk down to the floor, pulling up my knees to my chest and sobbing into them. I heard the door creak open and I hid my face with my hair. The picture was still gripped tightly in my hand, crushing it.
I felt Niall sit down next to me and pull me into his arms, holding me, even when I didn't want it. I sobbed into his chest anyways and he cried with me, feeling my pain and taking half of it upon himself. I cried myself to sleep in his arms, even though it was already morning.

​​​​​​A/n- I'm going through some things. I'm super depressed. I have a super bad headache. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight.