This is not the end~ Fourth book in PLMI series

Refusing to believe-76

A/n- Start writing, no matter what. The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on......

-Mackenzie's POV-
One thing drives us all.......fear. One thing keeps us from happiness. Fear. One thing, out of all of it. Fear. Constant. Gripping, so tight it won't let you go.
We all fear something. At one time or another. We all fear.........silly things. Such as the dark, when we were children. Or....monsters, demons.......
Too bad the demons were actually real........
How badly I wanted to go back to the past, to be happy again, a little girl again. How much I wanted to go back in time and redo all of this so my life was so much better.
But, with the bad, also came the good. I found Niall, who helped me realize my worth, and my strength.
My father had a strategy for fear, and I found myself constantly reminding myself of this. And sometimes....I wondered if he thought this when the burning house was coming down on him.....
Fear. Forget everything and run.....or....face everything and rise.
I'd like to think I had been doing the second, but I hadn't. Cutting wasn't of strength. It was of weakness. Of a great, powerful, aching weakness, as cliche as it sounds.
"Kenz?" I heard someone ask quietly, making me jump out of my thoughts. Startled, I looked up to see Niall, peering at me from the bed, probably wondering why his whole family was here.
"Mum? Greg?" He rasped, sounding completely and utterly confused. Maura stood up then, hurrying over to her son and leaning over to kiss his cheek gently. She tried to hug him, but he groaned, wincing. She mumbled an apology and stepped back, a hand over her mouth. I stood up then, wrapping her in a tight hug as she cried quietly into my shoulder. Harry poked his head through the door and saw my distressed state, before pulling Maura to him and leading her out the door quietly. I breathed a sigh of relief and looked at Bradley, who slipped out the door quickly, obviously scared of Niall's reaction that he was here.
Niall's weak eyes met mine and he winked cheekily, bringing a small smile to my lips. He's so strong........
Greg embraced me, kissing my cheek as he pulled away before he left me and Niall alone in silence.
"I wish Harry would bring me my damn hamburger. I'm bloody starving." Niall said weakly, chuckling even though he looked like he was in pain. Rolling my eyes, I sat down next to him in the chair and brushed back his blonde tinted locks from his forehead. His hair was reinstating itself back to the old brunette color, but not fully, just towards his roots.
"You're insane. Thinking about food at a time like this." I scolded. He shook his head and shifted as if he was uncomfortable and wincing. He looked to the right of me at Bradley, who was trying to seem unnoticed.
A smirk came onto Niall's face as he motioned Brad to come closer. Bradley frowned and got up slowly, approaching Niall's bed hesitantly.
"Hey! Harry Junior is here!" Niall exclaimed, raising his fist in a celebratory gesture. "Come to steal my woman again?" He joked, his eyes glinting slightly like when he laughed. I smiled at Bradley.
"You know it Irish." He replied. Since when did they get nicknames for each other??
"Well, sorry but you can't have her." Niall smiled, gently grabbing my hand in his to show Brad the sparkling ring. Brad's face fell for about two seconds before he regained his composure.
"Dang it."Bradley snapped his fingers in a disappointed way. "I thought for sure this was my chance." Brad joked, smiling gently at Niall in a surprisingly appreciative way.
"Take care of her though....if I..." Niall trailed, his serious gaze practically piercing Bradley's happy eyes. His eyebrows furrowed together. The smile dropped off his face and it was returned with a look of gratitude. I was utterly silent at their exchange, so I watched them both in awe.
"I will."
"No. Promise." Niall insisted. Brad looked at me with an expression I couldn't read, looking back at Niall carefully.
"I promise. But you should get better. Then you can do it yourself. " Brad suggested. Niall nodded slowly, but didn't look as if he believed that he would live.

"What do you suggest I think about? Dying. The fact that I'm leaving you here alone.....?" He replied, his voice cracking. My eyes started to water and I felt my stomach lurch as I winced.
"Why would you......" I started, but he sighed, realizing my paled face. I felt like I was going to throw up.......
"I'm sorry." Niall apologized quickly, but I stood up, backing away from him and slipping out the door quickly. "Kenzi wait!!" Niall tried to yell after me, but I shut the door between us, swaying slightly on my feet and feeling an odd sensation in my stomach. My eyes widened as I pushed past Liam and Britt, who were standing in the hallway and found the nearest bathroom before spilling all the contents (which wasn't much) into the toilet and partly on the floor.
The cold, grey and white tiles left patterns on my knees as wretched into the toilet.
"Mackenzie?" I heard Britt's voice call, echoing off the walls of the bathroom. I leaned my head on my hands and didn't answer, puffing the quick breaths out my mouth. "When you ran past us, you looked sick, are you...okay?" She asked through the door, having heard my ragged breathing.
I let a sob escape my mouth, before closing it off with my hand. Britt somehow got the door to the stall open and sighed when she saw that I had thrown up.
I closed my eyes in exhaustion. This week had truly gotten the best of me, severing me into tiny bits and pieces of my former self.
"I c..can't stop throwing up...." I whispered to Britt, scared of her judging me, thinking this was a part of the eating disorder I had. She frowned, her big brown eyes getting wider and broader.
"Mackenzie......could you....be pregnant?" She whispered quietly. My heart nearly stopped beating there. It felt as if someone had hit me square in the chest with a brick. You know that feeling, when you're out on the playground as a child? When you're playing ball with some of the other kids and you get hit in the stomach or the chest. The air rushes out of you and you lose your breath for about 5 seconds, but...that was the scariest seconds of your life as a kid? Yeah......that's how I felt now, as I had already been choking for air.
"No. It's.....no.....it is....impossible. No...it can't...I can't. No..." I cried, grabbing at my hair. Britt pulled me into a tight hug, rubbing my back slowly.
"Shhh. It's okay. Don't panic. Just.....stay here. Don't move. I'll go get you a pregnancy test. I'm sure they have one at the desk." She whispered, rubbing my back before getting up and going out of the bathroom, leaving me alone.....which was the worst possible thing she could do.....