This is not the end~ Fourth book in PLMI series

Epilogue

A/n- Saying goodbye is not the hardest thing. Letting go is.....

««5 years later......»»
-Mackenzie's POV-
"Mackenzie!! It goes left, spin, then right!" The choreographer yelled again. I stumbled and fell on the ground, groaning in anger.
"I'm done." I said quietly.
"What did you just say?" He asked sarcastically. I sighed, running a hand through my hair.
"I'm done. I said I'm done." I replied, walking off the stage quickly, my high heels too high. I was sick. Sick of everything rushing past me at high speed. A speed to quick for me to fathom.
I took a deep breath, running a hand through my hair as I flopped down on a chair next to the stage.
"Mackenzie, one more run?" My backup dancer asked me, running off the stage. I sighed, shaking my head once.
"Take it easy will you? I'm not as great of dancer as I used to be." I replied, waving her off.
"But-"
"I said no." I replied, grabbing my bag quickly and getting out of there as fast as possible before my choreographer came to yell at me.
Pulling my car keys from my pocket I unlocked Niall's car, getting in the front seat and locking the door behind me before laying my head down on the steering wheel. I took a deep breath in, then one out before starting the car and turning off my phone, as the choreographer was relentless. They should have known better than to wake me up at 4:30 anyway.
I pulled into the driveway of my house and got out of the car, locking it behind me as I hurried up and into the house quickly, ignoring the screams of fans that had followed me around relentlessly for the past 7 years.
"Hazza!! I'm home!" I screamed as I walked through the door. I heard a loud thump and looked toward the couch, where Harry had been sleeping. Key word, had. He was now lying on the floor, groaning.
"You literally always have to scream." He groaned as he sat up.
"Yes. Yes I do." I replied, sighing as I took off my heels and threw them to the side, stretching out my toes. "Where's Zayn and Gabe?" I asked him. He groaned, rubbing his head and eyes to wipe the sleep out of them.
"He took Gabe to the park, I'm exhausted, I was watching him all day." He mumbled.
"Thank you so much Harry. I appreciate it." I replied, leaning over to kiss his curly head. He swatted me away and sighed, rolling his neck to one side, then the other.

"Yeah ......I know..." he replied, sighing. I sighed as well and came to sit down next to him.
"What's wrong?" I asked slowly, not sure if I wanted to know what he was thinking about. He bit his lip and shook his head slowly.
"It's nothing." He answered, standing and starting to walk out the door. I let my eyes flutter to the floor as I rubbed my hands against each other.
"You miss him." I said quietly, but just loud enough so that he would hear. Sure, things had been tough on me, the fame, raising a child alone, and looking out for every one of the boys was tiring and stressful, but I had managed. I had learned to live without Niall, more or less. Sure, I don't usually sleep much at night anymore, and sure, I do seem to have trouble becoming happy, but that's what comes with grief. It's a war. There can be two outcomes. 1: You can fight for your life until you get out of it. Or....2: You let it consume you until you lose the fight. And to learn this, I had to endure about 6 months of rehab and therapy.
As soon as I had had Gabriel, I went into a different kind of depression. It was new to me, new to my heart, and certainly new to the guys. I wouldn't talk. Wouldn't eat, wouldn't even look up. I don't remember almost half of this time, as most of it was spent in the hospital and it was probably the deepest time in my life. But the boys were there with me through it all. So was Britt, Alexa, and Kendall, but it was kinda different. I decided on my own to go into therapy and rehab, as I had turned to alcohol heavily after Gabe was born. I had left for about 6-8 months, not seeing the boys, my baby, or my friends for that whole lapse of time. It was a hard time for me, but was necessary for me to get better.
"Kenz?" Harry asked quietly. I startled and looked up slowly. I saw small tears falling down his face and sighed. Harry was perhaps the one who had the worst time with Niall's passing, besides me that is. My mind itched to tell him not to call me that, but I decided against it for the moment, trying to make peace with the nickname.
​​​​​​ "Come here." I whispered. He swallowed and stayed put so I came to him instead, wrapping him in a tight hug, rubbing his back and trying to sooth him.
"Why doesn't the pain go away?" He whispered in my ear. I sighed, closing my eyes as I hugged him tighter.
"It does. Eventually. "
"Is that what you tell yourself? That it goes away?" He whispered. The comment sent an arrow flying through my chest as I pulled away.
"What do you mean?" I asked defensively.
"We both know you haven't been truly happy since that day." He whispered. I took a step backwards from him.
"I am happy." I answered quietly, holding in the sob trying to rip from my chest. Instead, I replaced it with a smile and a shake of my head.
"Don't speak to me through a mask. I can see it. Stop hiding. You try to be so strong for everyone all the time. You never let it out anymore. You need too...." Harry trailed, his eyes dropping to gaze at the floor.
"I stay strong for myself. And I've had a hard day, can't you just let me be for once?" I said, exasperated as I walked into the kitchen and set my phone down on the counter, pulling out a glass out of the cupboard and filling it with water.
"I only want you to be happy." He said, following me still.
"Harry....listen..." I started, but he put a hand up.
"No. You listen. You need to let go of your anger. And let go...of him..." he said quietly, grabbing my hand. I pulled away. "You need to face your problems, not run away from them or hide from them!" He said, exasperated.
"I need to let go? You're saying I'm the one who needs to face my problems!? That's rich coming from you. At least I've tried to put myself back together." I replied snarkily. He frowned, pain shining through his green eyes. That's when I knew he had hit a soft spot.
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean......." I said quietly, brushing a hair out of my eye. "When did you last speak to Kendall?" I asked, making the mistake of looking into his eyes. The dark circles underneath them didn't hide the fact that his eyes had started watering like they did when he wanted to cry but wouldn't.
"I can't talk about this...." he answered meekly before turning away from me and starting to walk away.
"Don't walk away from me! I'm talking to you." I said loudly, my anger rising at him. He had been so angry, so sad, so depressed lately that I had never seen him like this. The longer Niall was gone, the worse it had gotten. He doesn't even live by himself anymore. Occasionally he leaves, occasionally he goes back to his flat, or to see Louis or his family, but otherwise, he doesn't really do anything. Except hang around me and take care of Gabe while I'm working or on tour. The other lads had tried to get past it. Louis had laid low before trying out a solo record. Liam had done the same. Zayn pretty much hung around, did a couple interviews here and there, but Harry.....? No....in the eyes of the press it was like he had disappeared off the face of the earth.
"I don't need this." He whispered, his voice failing him, dropping out on the end.
"You need to get your life back Harry! What happened to you?" I inquired, sighing. He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back and forth on his feet. I heard the front door open and heard Zayn's voice, along with the sound of little feet running.
"Mummy!!" Gabe cried, running to me to hug my legs. I smiled and bent down so that I could pick him up, resting him on my hip, I poked his nose like I always did, never failing to make him burst into giggles. His light blue eyes, which he had inherited from Niall, shone in happiness as he hugged me around the neck. This was quite unusual, as the green eyes are usually dominant, but hey, I guess that's God's special way of letting me see Niall's eyes again.
"Hi baby. Did you have a good time with uncle Zayn?" I asked, smoothing down his brown hair, which was sticking up all over his head and hanging in his eyes.
"Yeah!! He taught me how to play football!!" Gabe cried happily, bouncing in my arms. I smiled truly, kissing his rosy cheek as Zayn came into the kitchen, looking exhausted as he sauntered over to a chair and collapsed in it.
"Why do I always get babysitting duty? I'm not as young as I used to be you know.....I chased that lunatic all over the place today. I deserve at least.....a million dollars." Zayn requested, a smile on his face as I put Gabriel down on the floor.
"Sorry. The most I have to offer you is a hug." I replied, holding my arms out. He shrugged me off and grumbled something under his breath.
"Too tired to move." He mumbled and groaned as Gabe jumped on his lap and smiled, bouncing up and down on Zayn's leg.
"Uncle Zayn!! Play with me!!" Gabe exclaimed, practically screaming.
"Gabe. Inside voice please." I reprimanded as I put my hand on Harry's back as I slipped behind him to open the fridge to get Zayn some water. He accepted it and pushed up his sleeves, revealing his tattoo covered arms. My mind drifted back to the tiny tattoo on my ribcage, one that held Niall's name......
"Kenz? You okay?" Harry asked nervously. I snapped out of my daze and hesitantly moved my hand to my ribcage, rubbing up and down before nodding.
"Please. Don't call me that. I'm fine. C'mon Gabe. Time for your nap." I said hastily, trying to hide my distress of Harry calling me that. Gabe groaned throwing his hands up.
"Can't a man get a break!!" He cried. I smiled, shaking my head as I took his hand and led him into his bedroom upstairs. I put him in his bed and tucked him in in silence and was just about to leave when his question stopped me dead in my tracks.
"Mommy? Why don't I have a daddy?" He asked quietly from his bed. I felt my eyes flutter shut as I put my hand to my forehead, closing my eyes as I turned back to him.
"Honey. I told you already, you have a daddy. He's just in heaven." I replied quietly, tears wanting to fall, but none coming to me.
"But.....what happened to him.....?" He asked again. I sat down on the edge of the bed and smiled sadly.
"He was really sick Gabey. God wanted him in heaven early."
"Does he see me?"
"Yes. Everyday Gabe. He's watching you right now. I know he loves you." I replied quietly. Gabe let his little blue eyes go over to his nightstand where a picture frame of me and Niall was sitting.
"That's daddy. Isn't it?" He asked, pointing to the blonde boy in the picture. I nodded, a tear finding its way out of my eye.
"Yes." I choked out quietly.
"Don't cry." Gabe said quietly, trying to hug me. I smile through my tears and hugged him to me tightly.
"Go to sleep Gabey......." I whispered, kissing his head and touching his soft hair like I always did.
"Mommy?" He asked again as I was about to leave.
"Hmm?"
"I love you. " He whispered, making my heart melt. I could tell he was going to be just like his father, a sweetheart.
​​​ "Love you too baby." I said quietly, holding myself together before flicking the light switch off and closing his door quietly. As I turned around, I ran into Zayn, who caught me around the waist and pulled me against his chest into a hug.
"Okay?" He whispered in my ear. That was his way of asking me if I was okay. I nodded slowly, burying my face in his chest.
"Thank you." I said quietly into his chest. He didn't ask what for, or say anything really, just hugged me tightly. I didn't cry, the few tears I had shed had dissipated as fast as they had come.
In that moment, I was thinking about more than anyone could imagine.....I was thinking about Niall, first of all. I was thinking about how Zayn was finally happy after Audrey's death. I was thinking about Britt and Liam, and their baby boy, and Alexa and Louis.... And although....not everything....happened like it would have or....should have....or how I wanted it to.....it all seemed pretty great from here. And at the end of a hard day, I was thankful for the friends I would always have, that could help me.....help me get through this.
Because...I truly believed I would. I hadn't cut...since...well...I can't even remember. Not for years.......and although the scars had long since faded, the memories hadn't. Niall's touch was still with me, his spirit hung around occasionally and his voice would pop into my head. I wouldn't forget his touch or his kisses, the way he loved me unconditionally, or the way he was just such a sweetheart overall. My snowflake.
Not everything was ideal, not everything was the best....anywhere really. But...I was thankful. I was still thankful for friends....that were my family.
"Kenz?" I heard Zayn ask quietly.
"Huh?" I asked, snapping from my deep thoughts and back to reality. I looked up at him kissed his cheek before releasing him.
"What happened in there?"
"Oh. He just asked about Niall." I answered, brushing him off with a wave of my hand. "Where's Harry?" I asked to fill the awkward silence.
"He's gone."
"Gone? What do you mean gone?" I asked quietly.
"He left. Said he was leaving and didn't know when he'd be back. Grabbed a duffel bag and practically sprinted out the door." He replied quietly, shoving his hands into the pockets in his jeans. I sighed and walked down the stairs with Zayn following, practically on my heels.
"You want something to eat?" I asked as we got back into the kitchen. He bit his lip before sitting down at the table and drumming his fingers on the table. He looked uncomfortable. "What?" I wondered aloud, confused at his odd expression.
"Mackenzie?" He asked. I turned to the counter and looked at my hands, scared of what he would say. "Whatever happened to you and Bradley?"
At the mention of Bradley's name, I winced. Last time we had seen each other wasn't the best of times for me. Let me 'set the scene' for you.
It was about.........two weeks after Gabriel was born. My body was weak, I was weak. My mind was weak. The birth was terribly rough for me. I'm just glad both Gabriel and I got out alive because of my conditions. It was my first day home in fact, after the Gabriel's birth. Bradley had stuck around me for awhile, trying desperately to be the good best friend and to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. Although he still didn't have a girlfriend, he didn't try to make any move on me. And for that, I was very grateful. But I remember distinctly, hearing his soft singing at night, and hearing him over the phone, trying to buy himself more and more time away from his band to be with me. Eventually, he had to leave, as his band needed him, which I understood. But...something happened between us. The unspoken words between us were growing and soon, he just never came back. And I didn't make him. We had been out of contact for awhile now, except the occasional text on birthdays and special occasions. But otherwise, nothing.
"Kenz?"
"Just one more person I lost....." I realized, sighing as I twisted my hands and turned from him.
I thought about all the empty holes, the empty places that the people I loved filled. My mom, my dad, Josh, Niall, Audrey, Trey even, heck, even Jake. Their deaths, mentally and physically, were still on my mind, but I tried to focus on the positive. Look at the bright side.
Liam and Britt had had their baby, a beautiful baby boy and lived in London, Zayn had finally found a girlfriend, and...I had to say...she was nice. Alexa and Louis hadn't been the same since Louis had slapped her that day at the hospital, his anger always the thing she was most scared of. But they must've resolved it somehow, as they were now married and she was pregnant. However, Alexa still couldn't manage to look at Zayn in the way she used to.
The only one left, however, was Harry. Kendall had been distant to him since her head injury, and I don't think she totally got all her memories back. But.....she definitely did seem to miss him. The only thing was fear. Constant, shaking her. Keeping her from him. Worse comes to worse, they don't get back together. But only time will tell.
​​​​​​ And.......Although I was still alone, I somehow knew I would be okay. I would finally have a family, but I always did. Niall was always there. Never failing to be there whenever I needed him. Physically, when he was alive, and mentally now that he's gone.
Now.......when I look back on my life, I will no longer wince. I will no longer cry and crumple to pieces. I will no longer whither in the darkness. I will no longer look back on the healed scars as a curse. No. They are a blessing. I will no longer have to hide. So when people ask me, why? Or what? I will answer them. And no...I will no longer be afraid of myself. Or my head.
The white scars on my skin are a constant reminder now, not that I was stupid, or ugly, or disgusting enough to inflict pain upon myself, no. Instead, that I was strong enough. I was strong enough to survive this mess. On my own. With Niall.
Now I do know. I was strong. I stayed strong. For myself.

A/n- Please read the next "chapter" it's a thank you. And an explanation......