This is not the end~ Fourth book in PLMI series

Diaries and hidden secrets-37

A/n- AHHH. ITS STARRR WARRRRS DAY!!!!

-Niall's POV-
I woke up slowly, feeling warm and tired. I shifted and turned to see Mackenzie on the other side of the bed. The covers had fallen off of her and she laid, shivering in only one of my big t shirts and a pair of shorts. I smiled and pulled her next to me, feeling she was cold. Her eyes fluttered open slowly and met mine, before she closed them again sleepily, sighing into my chest in content. I played with her hair slowly and felt her shift so that her head laid on my chest, where my heart would be.
"Good morning love." I whispered. She sighed tiredly in answer and I chuckled. She smiled through her sleepiness and her breathing slowed again, indicating she had fallen back asleep.
I let her wrap her arms around me tightly and watched her sleep. Her facial features were even more beautiful when she was asleep. And...she looked much younger. Does everyone look younger when they are asleep?
Her curly hair fell messily around her head and down my chest. It was getting quite long and turning back to its original brown color. Sure....I like the red. I also liked the blonde, but it would be interesting to see what would happen when her hair turns back. I wonder if she'll dye it again.
I frowned when I realized something. It's December. What? Oh no. Christmas.
I grabbed my phone quickly but sighed when I realized it was only the 20th of December. I've still got some time. I slowly tried to get up, but Mackenzie whined and pulled my body back to hers. I chuckled and kissed her head gently.
"Can you let me up love?" I asked and she shook her head as she opened her beautiful green eyes and moved her head up to kiss my jawline. She sat up and slowly straddled me, sitting on top of my chest as she pulled her hair out of her way and put it over her shoulder.
"Never." She replied, leaning down to peck my lips quickly. I smiled up at her and she blushed a bright shade of red, looking away and covering her cheeks.
"Why are you looking away?" I asked her and she smiled, her cheeks still a faint pink.
"Why do you make me blush?" She shot back, covering her cheeks. I laughed and shook my head.
"Because you're cute when you blush." I answered, making her blush more. She giggled and looked away quickly.
"You're cute no matter what you do." She said, looking back at me. I smiled up at her and she leaned down to kiss me again. Before she could pull away, I put my hand on the back of her neck, keeping her there. We shared a long, passionate kiss, which she broke too soon. She moved her lips down my jaw and to my neck, where I titled my head, giving her some more skin. She giggled and kissed in patterns down my neck, making my heart flutter. I sighed in pleasure as she found my sweet spot and kissed gently, but firmly around it.
"Oh the things you do to me." I murmured, my breath catching in the middle.
She giggled and pulled back, moving her lips back to mine. She quickly pecked them and pulled away, making me pout. She sighed, looking down at her wrists as she played with the bandage I had put on yesterday. I sighed as she looked down at me, her eyes breaking my heart. She looked sad and...overall...I don't know....sorry?
"Hey snowflake?" She asked quietly, her voice cracking. She cleared it and I widened my eyes. I blushed at the odd nickname that she had given me. Her reddish hair shone and...even though it was in knots from sleeping and her curls were going wild all over her head...she was still beautiful.
"Yeah love?"
"I'm sorry...about....you know.....yesterday..." she said, her voice dropping off at the end. I sighed as I looked up at her. I gently pulled her down so she was laying on top of me, her head on my chest.
"It's okay. I understand...." I whispered. She sighed, looking up at me slowly.
"Niall...that's the whole thing babe. It's the fact that you understand that makes me...scared." she said quietly. I frowned. I didn't know what she meant. Was she scared I'd do it again?
"I'm not sure I know what you mean love." I admitted and she sighed, kissing my cheek.
"I know babe. I know." She whispered and I was even more confused.
"No, but...what do you mean?" I asked and she looked away, shaking her head nonchalantly, waving me off.
"It's nothing Niall." She insisted, and I nodded, but something tugged at the back of my mind, begging me to ask her. And...before I could stop myself...it tumbled out of my mouth.
"I feel like..ever since we got back together...you aren't telling me something....like...you don't talk to me as much." I said quietly and she shifted to get a good look at my face, as if she were trying to figure me out. She ran a hand through her hair and shook her head as she pulled out of my arms and sat up, her bare legs poking out from under the covers.
"Niall....That is absolute bullshit. What about you? Have you told me anything from when you and I were separated....? No. Of course not. Why not? I dunno. But I'm not going to push you.....if you wanted me to know...then you'd tell me. Correct?" She asked, her tone firm and her eyes intense, practically begging me to mess with her now. I was surprised at her sudden change in personality.
"Mackenzie.....nothing happened when you were gone. Literally. We stayed on tour, I bawled my eyes out for like three months and sulked around and was slightly alcoholic because you weren't there for me." I said back, feeling my anger come back as she slid her legs out and put them over the edge, turning away from me. I sat up as well and did the same as her, not looking at her eyes.
"I really don't know what to tell you anymore Niall." She spat, her voice sounding tired of fighting and she sounded annoyed at me, for bringing up such a horrible memory for her. "What do you want from me? I tell you absolutely everything about me. I told you what happens. I told you freaking everything. So what the hell do you want?!" She said in exasperation, throwing her hands up.
"I...don't know!! Okay? It just seems like..we haven't been the same since..." I trailed, not wanting to finish the sentence.
"Since I left? Or since my psychopath of a mother kidnapped you? Or...since you got cancer? Or....since I can't have children? Or..." Mackenzie trailed, running her hands through her hair as some tears fell from her eyes. She swiped them away with an annoyed face and glanced at me out of the corner of her eyes. "Or..since I have hated myself...because I have always hated myself, so if we weren't right at the beginning, we sure as hell wouldn't be right now. "
"Kenz...." I whispered, putting a hand on her hand. She recoiled instantly, not wanting me to touch her. She stood up and walked over to the desk, picking up her old diary off the desk. She glanced back at me a second, before opening it and letting her eyes drift across the words a second before slapping it shut quickly and throwing it on the bed roughly.
"Did you read that?" She asked suddenly, her eyes intense as she looked at me. I frowned and looked down at the small book sitting next to me. I remembered back to when I tried to read the diary. The first few pages were fine, just poems and a few song lyrics....but...once I got to the things that happened in her life...I got to a point where I had to stop. It was too awful. And..with her being gone from me when I read it...it was too much for me. I never opened the book again.....I guess I was too much of a coward to. Maybe I was just scared of the cruelty of people. Maybe I was scared what I'd actually find.
"Niall. Did you read it?" She demanded, handing the book to me. I took it in my hands and felt the leather cover of it underneath my fingertips. I looked up at her emotionless face and she rose her eyebrows.
I quickly shook my head."No.....um.....I started...." I trailed off, looking down.
"But you couldn't finish it." She finished and I nodded, remembering the horrible things I had read in this little, innocent looking book. There was a little tear in the cover and it was quite worn out, but it still held together. Kind of like Mackenzie I guess....she has gotten quite beat up in her life, but she always manages to hold herself together.
"Yeah....." I whispered. She sighed and sat down next to me and grabbed my hand gently in hers. Her warm palm rested against mine and I was grateful for her touch, indicating she wasn't mad at me.
"No one ever finishes it....." she trailed, looking away from me and closing her eyes like it physically hurt her to keep them open.
"Niall....you know I left you to protect you....right?" She whispered. I sighed, setting the diary down next to me as I looked up at her to move a piece of hair out of her face. She bit her lip, looking scared at the time it took for me to answer and her eyes fluttered open.
"Babe...." I trailed, looking up into her eyes. The eye contact we shared was evident. We both knew. Her leaving didn't do anything to protect me. If anything...it made things worse. Together...we were stronger than ever. And she just..threw it away. But I forgave her. As she has forgiven me for the things I have done. That's what you do when you love someone. You have to have compromise. I believe we have that. At least I hope we do .....maybe I'm being stupid? Asking her to tell me everything right away? She never liked to be pushed into anything. That's why she's such good friends with Bradley. She shared that with him. They both hated to be rushed into things. Sure...I hated it too...but.....you know...I'm kinda used to it by now. I hope you know what I'm trying to say. (A/n- the author is not very good at explaining the feelings of her characters. Lol. Thanks Niall.)
"God. I'm such a screw up." She said and I squeezed her hand, trying to send some reassurance, not sure if she wanted the physical contact with me yet. I wanted her to know that I was trying not to push her.
"No you're not. It wasn't a screw up when you met the most handsome man in the world!" I joked, trying to lighten the mood. She chuckled gently and punched me on the shoulder lightly.
"You flatter yourself." She mumbled and I frowned, looking at her seriously.
"I was talking about Harry....but it's whatever." I said, making her giggle and blush. Her nose suddenly wrinkled and her cheeks turned a shade of pink as she looked at me.
"You know the paps come up with horrible things?" She asked suddenly and I nodded. She giggled again and looked at me.
"One thought I had sex with Harry behind your back." She giggled and I frowned, faking jealousy.
"Well....?" I asked and she stopped laughing, looking at me seriously.
"Well what?" She asked and I looked at her seriously.
"Did you have sex with Harry?" I asked and she burst out laughing, clutching her stomach and falling off the bed with a thump. I chuckled, leaning over to look at her.
"That's...rich!!" She squealed as she let her laughing burst into a fit of giggles. I smiled as I watched her laugh.
"Well...did you?!" I asked again and she sat up, running a hand through her horribly messy hair. She looked so cute in the morning, I swear.
"No!!! Ugh! That's disgusting!! Of course not!" She exclaimed and I smiled as she sat down on my lap. I wrapped my arms around her from behind, resting my chin on her shoulder. She seemed to melt into my touch as I buried my face in her shoulder, breathing in her sweet smell. The smell of her shampoo, perfume, and my cologne were mixed on her because she was wearing my shirt to bed.
"I love you." I whispered, planting a small kiss to her soft skin beneath her jaw. She sighed and smiled.
"I know." She whispered back as she stood up and kissed me gently. "Read it." She said, pointing to the diary which sat beside me on the bed. I glanced at it. She blew me a kiss and walked out of our room. I sat there, staring at the thing as if it were a time bomb. I sighed and got up. I'll read it later........hopefully. I just hope I have the strength to. Reading that about her was...painful to say the least.
Wait....why am I complaining? She's the one who had to live through that. I don't know...maybe I'm just mad. Not at her. Not at her. Of course not. She couldn't do anything. I'm mad at Trey. I'm mad at her mother. For fucking up her life so badly so that it was beyond fixable. I sighed, running a hand through my hair as I got up. I glanced back at the diary and quickly grabbed it, shoving it into the drawer in the desk. I closed the drawer without a second thought before walking out of the room.
I don't want to read it. But I know I have to. For her.

A/n- HAPPY STAR WARS DAY. MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU. DID ANYONE CATCH THE STAR WARS QUOTE!?!? I DID!!! YAY. PLEASE COMMENT. THANKS FOR READING!! I LOVE YOU AND YOURE ALL BEAUTIFUL.