This is not the end~ Fourth book in PLMI series

Stand up for something, or fall for everything-81

Mackenzie sighed, tugging at her black dress solemnly. Her body was there, sure, but her mind wasn't. All she wanted was to be alone. Not to be here, in the middle of a church, watching her fiance's funeral. It definitely shouldn't have happened like this for her, but it wasn't like she could do anything about it.......

The pastor rambled on about how loved Niall was and how much of a wonderful life he had....which only made Mackenzie feel that much worse. Thinking of all the things he could've done, could be doing, made her heart ache.
Twisting the crumbled piece of notebook paper in her hand, Mackenzie got up, going to the piano and not introducing herself before starting to play and sing the song she had written.
Her fingers touched the keys as she leaned over, playing the simple chords over and over before singing. Her voice was washed out and raspy, like she had a sore throat, but she pushed more air through her vocal chords, forcing them to work. She almost choked on her own breath.......her songs describing a piece of her soul.

I've cried enough tears to see my own reflection in them
And then it was clear
I can't deny
I really missed him
To think that I was wrong
I guess you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
Pain is just a consequence of love
I'm saying sorry for the sake of us

He was my everything 'til we were nothing
And it's taken me a lot to say
And now that he's gone, my heart is missing something
So it's time to push my pride away

'Cause you are, you are, you are my everything
You are, you are, you are my everything

I know you're not far, but I still can't handle all the distance
You're traveling with my heart,
I hope this is a temporary feeling
'Cause it's too much to bear without you
When I lose sight, ain't lookin'
If I go tomorrow, just know I'm yours
'Cause what we got is worth fighting for

'Cause you were, you were my everything 'til we were nothing
And it's taken me a lot to say
And now that you're gone, my heart is missing something
So it's time to push my pride away

You are, you are, you are my everything
You are, you are, you are my everything

You are, you are, you are my everything

Liam, sitting in the front row of the church, struggled to keep his tears from falling as he listened to her pain flow out of her like a fountain. Britt, sitting next to him, saw her struggling husband and grabbed his hand in hers for comfort, squeezing it reassuringly and fighting back her own tears.
By the time Mackenzie had finished her last of the many love ballads she had written for him, she was crying silently. That didn't mean it was any less painful.
Mackenzie stayed silent the rest of the service, not speaking, not talking, not crying, not making a single peep. Her hand remained in Zayn's hand for the rest of the time and it was like she was glued to him. She didn't speak to anyone after the funeral, not Maura, not any of her friends......Not even Harry, who she looked at with anger when he had said her song was "nice". It wasn't meant to be nice.....she had thought.
Every one was hugging her, old friends of Niall, famous people who were close to him, his family, etcetera, etcetera........
"I want to go home." She thought constantly....but what she really wondered where home was... Previously, she had thought it was Niall, but when he was gone....? Now she was confused......
Obviously, she would fend for herself now, and very well could. She understood more about depression and fighting it. She was stronger than ever now, more mature. She had learned that life....wasn't a fairytale. And when you get thrown on the ground, you can't lay there, crying in a heap. You have to get up and stand up. Stand up for something, or fall for everything......
The ultimate choice she had, was to give up, or to keep fighting. For Niall, for her baby, and for the people who loved her. And although it would be hard for her, she didn't believe that she would ever pick up another razor and take it to her pale skin again. That was the only thing Niall would have hated for her to do....to hurt herself.
She was sick of hiding, sick of this horrible pain and nightmare that was becoming real life. She was sick of the stress. Sick of people.
So that's why, when they lowered her love into the ground as she watched, she didn't let her tears fall. Not for now at least. She felt so badly like crying. But vowing to wait till she got home, she stayed close to Liam's side, finding his cold hand underneath his coat and squeezing it as he cried.
They had decided to bury Niall in London, as it was closer to where he usually lived. Mackenzie absolutely refused to let them bury him in New York. That city didn't exactly hold great memories for either one of them anyway....
"Kenz?" Harry asked quietly, his eyes red from crying, the tears still falling as he turned away from Niall's grave. Mackenzie looked up at him with incredibly tired eyes, sighing as she did so. "Are you okay?" He asked, confused as to why she wasn't crying her eyes out right now.
Mackenzie merely nodded her answer before she followed him to the car that they had all ridden in, Niall's absence quite noticeable in it. She gazed out the window in silence, the weight of everything on her shoulders.
It was awkwardly silent in the car, as no one had the gall or the audacity to speak or say something.
When they got back to their flats, Mackenzie walked into her and Niall's flat quietly, solemnly. Kicking off her black flats, she ignored Liam, who had said something to her and went straight into her bedroom, stripping off her dress and tights quickly, before exchanging them for a pair of sweatpants and a loose t shirt of hers.
Walking over to her bed, she sighed tiredly, her eyes beginning to droop. She pulled back the bedspread that hadn't been slept in for awhile and climbed in. Shutting off the lamp, she closed her eyes, her pain burning brighter in the darkness. She rolled to his side of the bed, hugging his pillow to her chest in silence, there was no sound of him snoring lightly or his quiet breathing.
She had laid there for who knows how long, her eyes wide open as she stared at the ceiling in the odd silence. The window blew cold air through it and she looked over, the moon shining through the curtains. Sighing, she got up again, walking over to shut the curtain, but stopped when she saw a familiar star in the sky. Her and Niall's. A million memories rushed through her head at once, and for the first time, she didn't cry. She didn't whimper, nor make a sound. Instead, she sat down on the window seat and gazed up at the star. A million memories flashed through her mind at once.
Niall stayed silent, and sighed, looking out the window. "Oh love....." he breathed out, his gaze focused on the sunrise. He reached his hand down and touched her ankle, moving his fingers over it, sending some comfort to her. "I know....I know..." he whispered, as if he was answering to her crying. She saw a few tears drift down his cheeks and bit her lip, looking down in shame.
"I'm so sorry." She had whispered. He looked up, his eyes scared.
"I'm scared sweetheart...." Niall whispered, starting to cry. Her heart broke. In. Two. She bit the inside of her lip as she cried harder, seeing him cry. She slowly crawled forward and parted his legs, so she could sit between them. He immediately leaned forward and cried into her shoulder, his body shaking. He wasn't crying hard, but just shaking. She didn't know why. Maybe he was that scared. Her eyes widened and she bit her lip as she tried to keep herself together for him.
She let his body shake hers as she tried so desperately to pick up the pieces of him.......