Awkward (Cashton)

Chapter 7 Unraveling

Ashton POV

It hurts to get out of bed the next morning as I underestimated how badly I was hurt last night. I feel like crying but I'm too tired.  I get my glasses off the nightstand and quietly gasp to see one of the lenses has a  crack going from the top to the bottom. Great. I get up and take a shower ignoring my razor knowing I should shave but not trusting myself enough to do it.  After getting dressed I leave early knowing my dad's not awake yet so I can get some peace. I glance at my keys on my desk and sigh before going into the garage and getting my bike instead. 

The morning air whips me in the face as I take a detour, I  go down the gravel path leading into the cemetery and let out a deep breath, as my chest tightens as memories of me being here as a child flood back.  the gravel turns to asphalt  I slow down and reach the section that I, unfortunately, know by heart. I get off my bike and lean it by a nearby tree, and walk down the row of headstones reading some of the names until I find the one I'm looking for and sit down. My eyes read over the headstone for a moment.

 "I'm trying to get better mum, but it's not working. I miss you so much." I whisper. The air has gotten a little chilly but I don't care.  I sit here for a while crying and thinking about how I'm really going to do this. Not being a coward like last time where I only took enough pills to knock me unconscious but nothing more than that.  "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough," I say through my tears my fingers tracing the letters engraved into the smooth grey headstone. I arrive at school a while later and keep my head down. Everyone's chatting in the courtyard as I slip into the building and to my locker.

I get to class late and see Calum, my heart lurches seeing him and knowing what I'm doing later today. I sit in the back and watch him frown seeing I'm not next to him. I go to my next class and am hardly listening.  I just need a way out. The bell rings letting us out for lunch. I get up and go have lunch by myself in the hall.  I should tell my friends what's going on, I know they would try to help. But... I don't want help.  For a brief second, I imagine what it would be like if I were gone. My dad wouldn't care, my sister would be devastated and my friends? Michael would just play video games for weeks not talking to anyone or just be over Luke's all the time cause the thought of being alone would break him. Then I think of Calum and want to  cry. He would feel immensely guilty. He knows I've been struggling and he wishes that he could have done something. I open my eyes and look around the empty hallway. Part of me wants to go into the lunchroom and tell them what's wrong, but I just sit here. 

I pack up my lunch and go to my next class early, I sit through my teacher showing us how to make a clay pot I'm only half listening. For minutes at a time, I hold my breath until my lungs burn, enjoying the pain. 

"You okay?" I jump to see a brunette girl looking at me curiously. 

"Yeah, just tired."  She looks skeptical but nods and leaves me alone. Class ends and I end up throwing my half done pot away, it's not like I'll need it anyway.  I sit in my seventh period History class for a good twenty minutes before I just get up and leave. I feel bad for what I want to do and how I feel but honestly, is there a point in continuing on in this messed up thing called life? My dad's abusive, my older sister doesn't care, and my mom's dead.

 My friends also have not batted an eye at my impulsive behavior lately or the fact I tried to give myself anaphylactic shock by going to an animal shelter and hanging out with cats for an hour. I have hit rock bottom for the fourth time this month.  I have finally admitted defeat, I've given up. I stand in the hall and am shaking as I pull out my phone and dial a number that I, unfortunately, know by heart. I'm waiting to hear someone talk me out of my awful plan.