Unexpected Love (Editing)

Chapter 92

Liliana's pov

"Hey sweetheart, are you hungry? I cooked breakfast." Jackson says walking into the nursery where I'm sitting.

I just shake my head no as I stare blankly across the room. It's been two weeks since the day our baby died and everyday that has passed the emptiness and pain I've felt has worsened. I've tried to block out my feelings, to numb the pain, like I've did with everything in the past, but I can't. This pain is overwhelming, like nothing or no one can help me. I'm filled with so much anger and sadness. Everyday I sit in this nursery holding on to George's blanket wishing that everything that had happened was a dream, wishing that my baby wasn't dead, but he is and there's nothing I can do to change that.

"You have to eat something. You've barely eaten anything lately. That's not healthy." He says walking over to me, but I still just sit there not bothering to say anything. "You know Derek's been calling. He's still in town. He wants to stop by and see you before he goes back to D.C. He's worried about you, maybe you should talk to him. That might help you feel a little better" he says as he sits beside me. "Look at me sweetheart" he sighs gently lifting my chin so that we're making eye contact. "What if we try again. Let's try for another baby" he says as he caresses my face.

"Why, why would you say that? Why would you even suggest having another baby, like we can just replace George" I frown

"No, I just want..." he begins to say before I interrupt him.

"What? What do you want" I ask bitterly

"Lily" he says

"No, screw you. Screw you for even suggesting that. Just leave. I want to be alone" I shout in tears.

"O..okay, I'll go" he says on the brink of tears also as he walks out of the room. I don't understand how Jackson could even suggest trying for another baby right now, like that would make up for George, like it would just erase the fact that he's dead, when it couldn't. Nothing could. I continue to sit in the nursery, looking around the room filled with reminders of what life was supposed to be like. I looked at the crib that my baby was supposed to sleep in, the closet filled with baby clothes, the stuffed animals that filled the room. I sat on the sofa that I was supposed to sit in as I rocked my baby to sleep at night, as I watched him crawl around the nursery, as I made memories that were now never going to happen, that were just shattered dreams of the past. I just continued to sit there zoned out for hours, thinking about everything until I hear the nursery door open again, but this time it's Derek instead of Jackson walking in.

"Hey" Derek says as he walks into the room

"Hi" I say not bothering to look up from George's blanket that I was holding in my hands

"How are you" Derek asks as he sits down beside me

"I'm fine" I sigh

"Lily, look at me" Derek says lifting my chin up so that I'm looking at him. "You're not fine, Jackson says you haven't been eating, you haven't been sleeping, you're shutting him out, you're shutting everyone out. We're all worried about you" he says

"Don't be, like I said I'm fine" I say blankly

"No you're not and that's okay. After what you and Jackson went through, it's okay not to be okay, but you have to take care of yourself you have to let people in, you need to let Jackson in. He lost a child too, he's hurting too" Derek says

"It's not the same" I sigh

"How not" Derek asks

"You wouldn't understand and I don't want to talk about it" I shake my head looking back down at the blanket

"Well I'm not leaving until you do, because you need to talk to someone, you can't just hold in what you're feeling" he sighs

"It's just, it's different for me and Jackson. How we feel is different. Of course he's hurting too because we lost our child, we lost a piece of us, but I'm the one who let our baby down not Jackson. I was the one carrying him. While he was in my belly, we were one. It was my job to nurture him. I was supposed to keep him safe, and I couldn't do it. I failed my son as a mother" I sigh not bothering to wipe away the tears that began sliding down my face

"Lily this is not your fault. Nothing that you did caused this. You can't blame yourself" he says wrapping me in a hug

"You know everyday, I still feel my stomach because for a split second I feel like he's still there, like I'm still carrying him, just for a split second and then reality hits me in the face and I realize I'm not. That he's not there anymore" I sniffle

"I know it hurts" Derek sighs sympathetically as he wipes away my tears

"I don't know what to do, Derek. I've dealt with so many deaths in my life and it always hurt but it's never felt like this. When I lost my mom, when I lost my friends it was like I lost my memories, my past, but when I lost my baby I lost my future. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep going" I sigh

"I know it feels like you're not going to get through this but you will because you're strong. It's going to take a while but one day you will be happy again. I know you can't imagine it now, but you will survive this, but you have to take care of yourself physically or you're going to make yourself sick. Your body's going to shut down if you keep going the way you're going" he says

"I don't care. You know I've had all of these near death experiences and I was always scared of dying and I would just hope that I could recover, that I could make it out of whatever situation I was in but if I would've known that this would happen I wouldn't have fought so hard all of those times. I was always afraid of dying before this but now I'm afraid of living, because this is my life now it's worthless" I say bitterly

"That is not true at all and I don't want to hear you say anything like that again. You have so many people that love and care about you and that need you in their life. And think about Jackson, he already lost his baby.  He needs you. You're his wife, he needs for you to be healthy, he needs you to feel like your life matters, because it does" he says

"I know, this is just so hard that I just want to shut down" I sigh

"I know it is but I need for you to please try to let the people who care about you in and take care of yourself, I don't want anything happening to you" he says

"I will" I nod. Derek continues to sit with me, trying to encourage me for a while, until he leaves to go back home. Even though I still feel overwhelmed and devastated, I realize Derek is right. Jackson needs me to pull it together as best as I can. We're both struggling right now and I can't be selfish and not take care of myself and let myself get sick, that wouldn't be fair to Jackson. I decide to finally get up from the chair and leave the nursery.

"Hey" Jackson says

"Hey" I say softly

"If you're hungry I picked uo Chinese food, it's in the refrigerator" he says

"Okay, thanks" I say grabbing the food out of the refrigerator and microwaving it before sitting beside him at the dinner table.

"Thank you" he says

"For what" I ask

"For trying. I know you feel like giving up and honestly I do to, but we're going to make it somehow. I just need you to take care of yourself, because I need you by my side through this. You're my wife" he says taking my hand in his. Even though this is the hardest thing either of us has ever been through we have each other and we're going to make it through this somehow.

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