Unexpected Love (Editing)

Chapter 95

Liliana's pov

There's this saying about going through struggles in life. It goes "When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what the storm is all about." But what happens when you want to be the same person again. When you don't like the person that came out of the storm. When you can't accept that you've been forever changed. Well that's when you fight. You fight to be the old you again. You fight to feel how you once felt. You fight for your old life back even if you know in the back of your mind that you're fighting a losing battle.

"You coming into work today" Jackson asks me as I sit in the kitchen on my laptop

"No, Derek's in town for a visit and he's supposed to come over today" I say. After Jackson and I had our disagreement the other day, it made me realize that if no one else is going to see me as the Liliana Garcia I was before everything happened, I have to portray myself as that person to try to convince myself that she's still there. I can't sit at home avoiding people, avoiding my life, so I returned to work. I've only been back for 2 weeks so far, but since my first day returning I've been going pretty much non stop and constantly operating, just trying to get back into the swing of things, but I had today off since Derek's in town and he's coming over to the house.

"Oh that's nice. Tell him I said hey" he says

"I will" I nod

"Well, I'm about to leave. I will see you when I get off" he says

"Okay" I say before he leaves. Then I start back typing on my laptop. Even though I'm not going in to the hospital today I was still working on the surgery schedule and reviewing scans. I'm so lucky I had Amelia around to run everything at the hospital while I was gone, because she kept everything updated and organized for me so I didn't have to return to a disorganized department. I spend most of the morning working until I see that Derek text me to tell me that he's outside so I go to the front door to open it.

"Shepherd, I've missed you" I smile hugging him

"I've missed you too" he smiles hugging me back before walking into the house.

"You want something to drink or eat? And before you answer that remember that I do not cook, so food in this household pretty much means popcorn or granola bars" I say making him laugh

"As tempting as that sounds I'll pass" he says as we sit down in the living room. "The house looks different" he says as he glances around

"Yeah, I've been doing some redecorating, just trying to change the energy around here" I sigh

"Well it looks nice" he says

"Thanks" I smile

"So how have things been going" he asks

"Great" I sigh

"Okay, I'm going to ask you that question again and this time I want you to tell me the truth. How have things been going" he asks

"Fine, really. I mean I'm back at work and I'm not sitting in the house crying all day like I was" I say

"But you're not happy, I can look at you and tell. Something's bothering you. Talk to me" he says

"Yeah, you're right. It's just I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm back to my normal routine. I mean I go to work and I run my department then I come home with my husband just like I used to. But things are still different, you know? When I go to work I don't feel like this unstoppable surgeon with a purpose. It's like I'm just there. And everyone is always checking in on me and asking me if I feel overwhelmed or if I need a break and I know that they're just trying to be helpful but that just makes me feel helpless and like everyone sees me as weak and vulnerable. I mean remember when the residents first got here? They were all terrified of me, but now they just sympathize for me. And besides that I don't even feel like I have a passion for surgery anymore. When I walk into the O.R. it's like I'm just there to occupy my time and feel like I'm not completely useless, but when I operate my heart isn't into it anymore. I don't live for surgery like I used to. And if all of that isn't stressful enough, Jackson and I are so distant right now and I don't know what to do. We don't treat each other like husband and wife anymore. We don't say I love you, we don't communicate, we barely talk and when we do he treats me like I'm going to break and it's like he's constantly walking on eggshells during our conversations to avoid upsetting me and I know he's just trying to be sensitive because of what we've went through, but he's the one person I need to just treat me like me and I just don't know what to do. I need something in my life to go right and be normal again, because every day it's still a struggle for me to get out of bed and keep going, so I need there to be something to keep going for" I sigh in frustration