My Hell

Monday, July 14

Hi. How are all you guys? I'm doing ok. Just kind of lonely. Love Charlie so much though. Plus I'm happy for my new found friend Sam. He's a chill dude. Blarg is very mad at Charlie. And I will tell you why. So here is why:

Blarg and I were getting really close and then all of a sudden Charlie showed up out of the blue and asked me out. But Blarg had already asked me out and was waiting for a pending answer. But I gave Charlie an answer within 2 minutes. I told Charlie, "Hell yes!" The reason I answered Charlie so quickly was because for a long time, I had loved Charlie. I had actually loved him since I met him a few months ago. Charlie and I had been good friends. I felt that if anything were to happen between me and Charlie, we could probably go back to being friends no problem. However, with Blarg, I felt as if something would of happened, we wouldn't be able to come back from it. Besides, as me and Blarg had just been friends we fought a few times. I have never fought with Charlie. And Charlie is so adorableee! I just wanna cuddle with himmmm :3

Ok, now for the story with Steven. Pretty sure he's gone forever. He and I had a fight, and I realized, he doesn't even know anything about me. I asked him about what my favorite color was and he completely avoided the question. I asked again, he avoided again. He wouldn't answer to me what I was to him in his head. He wouldn't tell me what image I was portrayed in his head as. Another thing about him is I realized he's not my type. He's too cold and pissed off. I don't like it. So he can fuck off. Bye bye Steven pie.

I painted my nails black today. As rebellion. My parents have this stupid rule, "No painting your nails black." It really is stupid. I asked my parents the reason for this rule and they had said stuff like: "Why would you want them black?" "People will judge you.""You will get stereotyped." "You will look like an emo." Like wtf. But you should have seen my mom's death stare when I told her, "Don't get mad if I paint my nails black." She gave me a murderous stare. Like damn, they are my nails. -_-    

I once asked my mom if I could shave half of my head, you already know what she said. "Why would you want to do that?? You will look like an emo or a bad girl. You will get stereotyped." My dad was just like, "You'll look ugly." Same thing with dying my hair or highlighting it. :/

My heart is of untold pain

Bottomless shame

Of unwritten lies

The higher I climb

The further I fall

Til the only things that are left

Are the open books

Of other people's lives..

I don't know, that just came into my mind. Sorry for the random poem. 

As for right now, its not that late. But I'm alone and lonely af. I know what your thinking, talk to your boyfriend. Can't. He's at a friend's house. I mean it is his life too and I don't control. So like, let him do whatever the hell he wants except cheat. Am I right? I know. Sorry. 

I want to go home. Stupid thing to say, I know. Especially when I'm in my literal home. Except, this place, it doesn't feel like home. Home is where the heart is. My heart is not here. Life is like a baseball game. Where you hold the bat and with every ball that life throws at you, you can either hit or miss, and when you strikeout, your dead. 

Sorry...that was a lil dark..*sighs* 

Sorry i'm so done with life. I haven't had good sleep in three days and I've been so tired since I returned from camp...whoops..? *shrug*

Turning clocks

Long socks

Winter

Spring

Summer fall

I don't want it all

I'd rather just take a break

From my life

Stupid earthquake

Sorry another random ass poem. I just need a fucking break. I don't want to deal with anything, anyone, or any activities for awhile. There are so many things that I wish.

I wish I could die.

I wish I was skinny.

I wish life was easy.

I wish I didn't have to cry.

I wish I had a few better friends.

I wish Blarg wasn't always so pissed.

I wish I could get cuddled.

I wish I hit a home run. 

I wish I was strong.

I wish my family would stop bothering me.

I wish I wasn't so pissed off all the time.

I wish I was patient. 

I wish...

I could wish a thousand times, but most of these will never come true.

I want my life back from before I was depressed. Please... please give it back..I miss being happy all the time. I miss when I was positive and I was never negative. I wish that I wanted to be with my family more. I wish...

Please go away depression. Stop making my life so dark and hard. Stop making me pissed off and crying all the time. I'm sick of it. FUCK OFF. 

Please can I stop being lonely...I wanna feel like I'm living life to the fullest. You understand? I want to crazy and amazing things. I want to live my dream life..I'll never get to do that because of the shit hole I live in...

Please...Please let me out...I want out.

Well...I could write forever today..but..I don't know. I feel almost dead, kind of numb even..I should go..Well..bye guys. Goodnight.

~Calli     :/    *shrug*